The Official Joke thread

RX135 · 2nd August 2005, 18:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gordon

Got this in a forward:
HOW A SON or DAUGHTER THINKS OF HIS/HER FATHER AT DIFFERENT AGES

<SNIP>....

Thus, it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st
stage! So.................................Realise it in time.

I had read this one long long time ago. But off late, I just remember it often and realize how true it is. May be just that I am getting older!

artofzen · 2nd August 2005, 18:21

Please do not bring any joke which involves any religion. Artofzen, I'm sorry that this is an extremely sensitive area you've touched in a wrong manner. Lot of members won't take it easy. I'm deleting this post and it would be nice if you can put a note on this.

SMG · 2nd August 2005, 18:42

This post by artofzen is offending. I worship Lord Shiva and I am sure there are many Lord Shiva devotees on this forum. The member who posted this joke involving Lord Shiva has got no right to offend me .

Moderators please see that the said post is removed, the member who posted this should be warned and better asked to apologize .

haryan · 2nd August 2005, 18:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by artofzen

Bartender : AB CHADHI ISKO!!!

Art of Zen ...
please do be careful about the Jokes yu post ... Consider other members Religious feelings when you post jokes about Religion and gods ...
I FIND THIS JOKE OFFENSIVE .... I am a LORD SHIVA follower by our caste ..

artofzen · 2nd August 2005, 18:49

Sorry all.Thi swas just a mail i recieved.I didnt think twice before posting it

I apologise to anyone who have felt offended as it wasnt meant to.
Moderators please remove that post.

haryan · 2nd August 2005, 18:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by artofzen

Sorry all.Thi swas just a mail i recieved.I didnt think twice before posting it

I apologise to anyone who have felt offended as it wasnt meant to.
Moderators please remove that post.

you delete it yourself ... and please please do check what you are about to post next time

v1p3r · 2nd August 2005, 21:50

I don't think he can delete it himself. Only mods have that privilege. He has apologized, so please let's leave it at that, in public.

speedsatya · 4th August 2005, 18:21

To be sung to the tune of Ai Malik Tere Bandhe Hum

Hey Mumbai tere bandhe hum,
Yeh kaise kyun hum-par situm,
Na railways chale, na BEST chale,
Paidal chalte huwe nikle dum.
Hey Mumbai------------------
Waise office-se jaldi nikle hum,
Jamke station-thak badhaaye kadam,
Hum khade the magar, gaadi ki na khabar,
Toota ummeed-ka papaddum.
Aake baahar jab pheri nazar,
Dekha Bambai bana tha gutter,
Na auto chale aur na taxi rukhe,
Ab kaise karenge safar.
Hey Mumbai------------------
Hua baarishse yun saamna,
Na kahin bijali, koi phone na,
MTNL kho gaya, Ambani bhi so gaya,
Andheremein hamein chod diya,
Cell-phone bhi kare gadbadam,
Yeh kaisa bada sankatam,
Bhejemein fikr aur kuch na clear,
Bheegke tan man hua bahut naram.
Hey Mumbai------------------
Thoda rukhke maine saans li,
Yaad aane laga family,
Biwi tum ho kidhar, bachhee hain kya udhar,
Ya kahin phas jaayenge raat-bhar,
Ab kaise karenge aur sabr,
Kare koi na aisa suffer,
Mere dilmein fear, aankhonmein tear,
Tension chadne laga ekdum.
Hey Mumbai------------------
Chal pada public-ka caravan,
Girnewalonko kiya saavdhaan,
Hum chalte rahe, saath bhadte rahe,
Door manzil, kadi imtihan.
Man-holes bhi khule the idhar-udhar,
Upar thunder, neeche bhi no cover,
Drainage-ke tale khaddepe gire,
BMC bhi bada be-sharam.
Hey Mumbai------------------
Yeh meteorology jaaye bhaadmein,
Saara metro duba paanimein,
Koi Shanghai kahe, future Hong-Kong kahe,
Yaaron unko hum paagal kahe,
Yeh hota hai year after year,
Kab sudhrega apna shahar,
Na Government sune, na bhagwan sune,
Rothe thairthe aa pahuncha main ghar.
Hey Mumbai tere bandhe hum!

revtech · 5th August 2005, 01:38

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says," you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk !"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do
I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says,
"I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited... "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked: "Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing' around with that cute little redhead next door" ? The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog".

"I sure did, Dad!" "I sure did!"
"That's my boy!"

Rev

speedsatya · 5th August 2005, 21:05

haryan ,SMG,

i am sure artofzen had definitely no intention of offending any one.itwas just a joke.

i am also a hindu and i definitely did not find it offending.

what about other jokes about a particular religion . http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/showth...&page=20&pp=15 and we do have a few members o f that religion .-in mumbai and bangalore,if they can take it sportingly ,why cant the others.

SMG · 5th August 2005, 22:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by speedsatya

haryan ,SMG,

i am sure artofzen had definitely no intention of offending any one.itwas just a joke.

i am also a hindu and i definitely did not find it offending.

what about other jokes about a particular religion . http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/showth...&page=20&pp=15 and we do have a few members o f that religion .-in mumbai and bangalore,if they can take it sportingly ,why cant the others.

I don't know what other members thought about that joke but I found it offending so voiced my concerns.

turbo_lover · 6th August 2005, 02:31

There was this indian tribe in Bihar.And it was this tradition in every new year that the chief of the tribe had to fart! And so the new year came and there was big preparations, but the chief was not able to fart.
So the sad villagers went to the tribal doctor and told, "big chief no fart!"
So the doctor gave a portion of potato and beetroot.they took it but it didn`t work. So they went to the doctor again with a sad face. They said, "Big chief no fart!"
The doctor gave them a portion of chilli and beans. They took that but it didn`t work either.
They went to the doctor again with a sad face and said, "Big chief no fart"
This time the doctor got fustrated and mixed all the portions he had and gave it to them.They took it and the chief farted so loud that they were all happy.
But later they came sadly to the doctor again and said, "BIG FART NO CHIEF!"

Revvhead · 6th August 2005, 11:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by speedsatya

haryan ,SMG,

i am sure artofzen had definitely no intention of offending any one.itwas just a joke.

i am also a hindu and i definitely did not find it offending.

what about other jokes about a particular religion . http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/showth...&page=20&pp=15 and we do have a few members o f that religion .-in mumbai and bangalore,if they can take it sportingly ,why cant the others.

well said Satya!
So easy to poke fun at Sardars, but not that fun when its aimed at your own is it??
This is a joke thread guys,
please remember to bring your sense of humour along with you
when entering here.

If you cant stand the heat, dont go into the kitchen!!!
In the meanwhile, we will try not to uspet your sentiments,
so that you can be sissy.

Revvhead · 6th August 2005, 11:56

And since it is a jopke thread- here goes!!

Drive-thru ATM Driving Procedures

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 . Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE! :
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate look at the irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release parking brake.

manaa45 · 6th August 2005, 12:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by Revvhead

FEMALE PROCEDURE! :
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate look at the irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release parking brake.

this joke made me thinking how much of this is applicable to me, empty bag looking for the thing i need suits me the best. i m always looking for the thing i need in my messy bag , be it a pen, lipstick or any other thing. secondly i have mastered the art of putting make up in my car, some times while driving too.

pin no and everything i remember and dont need to write it. so i m good at that atleast.

shubbhi

2nd August 2005, 18:21	#317
artofzen BHPian Join Date: May 2004 Location: VOCI-LHR Posts: 735 Thanked: 68 Times View My Garage	Please do not bring any joke which involves any religion. Artofzen, I'm sorry that this is an extremely sensitive area you've touched in a wrong manner. Lot of members won't take it easy. I'm deleting this post and it would be nice if you can put a note on this. Last edited by Rudra Sen : 2nd August 2005 at 19:00.

2nd August 2005, 18:42	#318
SMG BHPian Join Date: May 2005 Location: Mumbai Posts: 72 Thanked: 107 Times	artofzen: You offfended me... This post by artofzen is offending. I worship Lord Shiva and I am sure there are many Lord Shiva devotees on this forum. The member who posted this joke involving Lord Shiva has got no right to offend me . Moderators please see that the said post is removed, the member who posted this should be warned and better asked to apologize . Last edited by SMG : 2nd August 2005 at 18:49.

2nd August 2005, 18:49	#320
artofzen BHPian Join Date: May 2004 Location: VOCI-LHR Posts: 735 Thanked: 68 Times View My Garage	Sorry all.Thi swas just a mail i recieved.I didnt think twice before posting it I apologise to anyone who have felt offended as it wasnt meant to. Moderators please remove that post. Last edited by artofzen : 2nd August 2005 at 19:02.

5th August 2005, 21:05	#325
speedsatya Senior - BHPian Join Date: May 2004 Location: bangalore/manga Posts: 3,169 Thanked: 738 Times View My Garage	**!!!!!!! haryan ,SMG, i am sure artofzen had definitely no intention of offending any one.itwas just a joke. i am also a hindu and i definitely did not find it offending. what about other jokes about a particular religion . http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/showth...&page=20&pp=15 and we do have a few members o f that religion .-in mumbai and bangalore,if they can take it sportingly ,why cant the others. Last edited by speedsatya : 5th August 2005 at 21:17.*

6th August 2005, 02:31	#327
turbo_lover Senior - BHPian Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Toronto Posts: 1,377 Thanked: 9 Times	Big Fart.... ! There was this indian tribe in Bihar.And it was this tradition in every new year that the chief of the tribe had to fart! And so the new year came and there was big preparations, but the chief was not able to fart. So the sad villagers went to the tribal doctor and told, "big chief no fart!" So the doctor gave a portion of potato and beetroot.they took it but it didn`t work. So they went to the doctor again with a sad face. They said, "Big chief no fart!" The doctor gave them a portion of chilli and beans. They took that but it didn`t work either. They went to the doctor again with a sad face and said, "Big chief no fart" This time the doctor got fustrated and mixed all the portions he had and gave it to them.They took it and the chief farted so loud that they were all happy. But later they came sadly to the doctor again and said, "BIG FART NO CHIEF!"

2nd August 2005, 21:50	#322
v1p3r Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: BLR / DXB / LON Posts: 5,334 Thanked: 6,896 Times View My Garage	I don't think he can delete it himself. Only mods have that privilege. He has apologized, so please let's leave it at that, in public.

4th August 2005, 18:21	#323
speedsatya Senior - BHPian Join Date: May 2004 Location: bangalore/manga Posts: 3,169 Thanked: 738 Times View My Garage	To be sung to the tune of Ai Malik Tere Bandhe Hum Hey Mumbai tere bandhe hum, Yeh kaise kyun hum-par situm, Na railways chale, na BEST chale, Paidal chalte huwe nikle dum. Hey Mumbai------------------ Waise office-se jaldi nikle hum, Jamke station-thak badhaaye kadam, Hum khade the magar, gaadi ki na khabar, Toota ummeed-ka papaddum. Aake baahar jab pheri nazar, Dekha Bambai bana tha gutter, Na auto chale aur na taxi rukhe, Ab kaise karenge safar. Hey Mumbai------------------ Hua baarishse yun saamna, Na kahin bijali, koi phone na, MTNL kho gaya, Ambani bhi so gaya, Andheremein hamein chod diya, Cell-phone bhi kare gadbadam, Yeh kaisa bada sankatam, Bhejemein fikr aur kuch na clear, Bheegke tan man hua bahut naram. Hey Mumbai------------------ Thoda rukhke maine saans li, Yaad aane laga family, Biwi tum ho kidhar, bachhee hain kya udhar, Ya kahin phas jaayenge raat-bhar, Ab kaise karenge aur sabr, Kare koi na aisa suffer, Mere dilmein fear, aankhonmein tear, Tension chadne laga ekdum. Hey Mumbai------------------ Chal pada public-ka caravan, Girnewalonko kiya saavdhaan, Hum chalte rahe, saath bhadte rahe, Door manzil, kadi imtihan. Man-holes bhi khule the idhar-udhar, Upar thunder, neeche bhi no cover, Drainage-ke tale khaddepe gire, BMC bhi bada be-sharam. Hey Mumbai------------------ Yeh meteorology jaaye bhaadmein, Saara metro duba paanimein, Koi Shanghai kahe, future Hong-Kong kahe, Yaaron unko hum paagal kahe, Yeh hota hai year after year, Kab sudhrega apna shahar, Na Government sune, na bhagwan sune, Rothe thairthe aa pahuncha main ghar. Hey Mumbai tere bandhe hum!

5th August 2005, 01:38	#324
revtech Senior - BHPian Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,992 Thanked: 38 Times View My Garage	A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school. Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says," you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk !" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited... "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked: "Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing' around with that cute little redhead next door" ? The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog". "I sure did, Dad!" "I sure did!" "That's my boy!" Rev

6th August 2005, 11:56	#329
Revvhead BHPian Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Bombay Posts: 450 Thanked: 20 Times View My Garage	And since it is a jopke thread- here goes!! Drive-thru ATM Driving Procedures MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5 . Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE! : 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card 22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give appropriate look at the irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release parking brake.