Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to
use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
"Don't I know it!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.
Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."
Five Irishman are out parachuting. They all have a bet to see who can drop the furthest without pulling the chut up.
The first man jumps out......falling falling falling---pulls his shoot up.
second man jumps out.....falling falling fallling falling--pull his shoot up.
third man jumps out...falls for ages and pull his shoot up
fourth man jumps outs....keeps on falling and falling and falling, looks down see he is about as far as he could go and pulls up.
Well the fifth guy though to himself, "i can win this easy" well he jumps out...falling-falling-falling. Takes a look down at the ground. and goes
"I can jump from here"
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man
departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife
the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate and the
man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal
to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the
problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was
having a heat wave and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as
Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would
arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool
off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail-but, due to his haste, he made an
error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an
elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had passed away only the
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S.: Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how
hot it is down here."
So why are New Yorkers so depressed...?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
So this Jew goes up to his Rabbi and says,"Father, I am very troubled. My son went away, and came back home a Christian" So the Rabbi says,"My son too went away and came back home a Christian". So they decide to pray about it to God, who said"You know, its funny you said that..."
Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good for him. Suddenly he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.
At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes that he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
The famous question...
"Why did the chicken cross the road ?"
when put before a few Indian personalities
Well...this is what they had to say.....
Question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Azharuddin:"I am totally innocent, you know, I'm unnecessarily being dragged into this, you know, because I'm from the minority..... I neither know the chicken nor the road, you know.."
Deve Gowda:"zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....mmmm...mm... chicken ???
Thanks, I'll have it later !! mm.. snooore........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
George Fernandes:"I am deeply hurt that this question is being asked after my 40 clean years of public life. I don't own a house, or a car, leave alone a chicken !!!"
Mulayam:"I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, so that they can cross the road freely without their motives being questioned"
Abdul Kalam:"Yes, why did the chickens cross the road?
... please tell me why? .. they crossed to go to the other side of the road... now children, repeat after me...."
Advani:"I see the hands of Pakistan in this ..."
Vatal Nagaraj:"No Tamil or outside chickens will be allowed to cross our roads, our roads are meant only for Kannadiga chickens!".
Bal Thackrey:"Chickens crossing the roads is against our culture, my followers (goondas) will stone all such chickens which cross the road".
Jayalalitha:"From reliable sources I've got the information that the chicken belongs to Karunanidhi. He is making his chicken cross the road to create law & order problems. The chicken has now been imprisoned under POTO".
Mamta Banerji:"If I'm made Union Railbay minstaar, I bill chee that chickans will trable by train... no cross road anymore!".
A.K Antony:"Zimmmmply! ...that's a question you should ask Karunakuran..Heee, heee."
Amitabh Bachchan:"The chicken has crossed the road?
.. are you sure.. pakka ... lock kiya jaaye..."
Sonia Gandhi:"That the chicken crossed the road clearly demonstrates the fact that the people and chicken have lost confidence in the Government. The Government should own moral responsibility and resign!!!"
Venkiah Naidu:"We are very sure of the fact that the chicken did not cross the road. It's a conspiracy by the congress to bring the Government down. The poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this whole issue"
Surjeet:"We are adopting a wait and watch policy. We have convened a meeting of the third front today. We will decide the future course of action after the chicken comes back.."
Menaka Gandhi:"Chicken crossed the road alone...!!
If a vehicle had passed over it, we would have lost one of our dearest creatures. Ban all
vehicles from using the road. Protect our chickens..."
Salman Khan:"I ran over the chicken (Hic!). It was not intentional ... It was accidental (Hic!)...... you're now asking this question to me only because I'm a celebrity(Hic!)".
Gabbar Shingh "Arrey oh Saamba, Kitne chicken they ?
Hope everyone just sees the humour in it and not be offended if some politician u like is there in the list...
So Steven Speilberg is talking about this new movie he's working on about the superhero alter-egos of some famous composers to his favorite three action stars - Sylvester Stallone, Van Damme, and Arnold S. So he asks them, "Which composer do you wanna be??"
Sylvie: I'll be Mozart.
Jean-Claude: I'lll be Bethoven.
Arnold: I'll be BACH!!!
on wifes birthday husband says "honey, as your birthday gift you can have sex for one hour the way you want"
hearing that wife comes running towards husband hugs him & gives a big kiss & suddenly starts running towards front door and yells "honey I'll be back in one hour"
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber.
He looked up, pale lips moving slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.
- "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
- "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother."
- "I know sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
Inzamam appeals to ICC against ban on Sourav Ganguly
April 13, 2005
Inzamam will appeal against the six-match ban slapped on Sourav Ganguly by Chris Broad, the ICC's match referee, after India fell behind with their over-rate yet again yesterday. “Chris Broad is biased against Pakistan by banning the Indian Skipper. We are disappointed with the decision and we badly need Sourav Ganguly in Indian team to help us win the series“ Inzamam said to our Sports Correspondent today.
“I have discussed the issue in detail with Shaharyar Khan [the PCB chairman] and General Pervez Musharraf and we feel we have a good chance of a successful appeal against the ban” Inzamam added.
1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friends
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit without talking and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work, more pay
19. Grey hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same shirt you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes