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Old 23rd March 2005, 10:37   #121
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Little Johnny....


> > >Teacher : Why are you late?
> > >L-Johny : Because of the sign.
> > >Teacher : What sign?
> > >L-Johny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
> > >L-Johny : You told me to do it without using tables!
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
> > >L-Johny : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
> > >Teacher : No, that's wrong
> > >L-Johny : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : What is the chemical formula for water?
> > >L-Johny : "HIJKLMNO"!!
> > >Teacher : What are you talking about?
> > >L-Johny : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : George, go to the map and find North America.
> > >George : Here it is!
> > >Teacher : Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
> > >L-Johny : George!
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
> > >have ten years ago. L-Johny : Me!
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
> > >L-Johny : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >L-Johny : Dad, can you write in the dark?
> > >Father : I think so. What do you want me To write?
> > >L-Johny : Your name on this report card.
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
> > >L-Johny : Don't bite any.
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
>>> L-Johny : 'I' is...

>>>Teacher : No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
> > >L-Johny : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" L-Johny :
> > >"Maam, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
> > >tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
> > >punish him?" L-Johny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >L-Johny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
> > >Father : No. Why do you ask that?
> > >L-Johny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
> > >and one is blue with red spots!
> > >L-Johny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at
> > >home.
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
> > >him,what virtue would I be showing?
> > >L-Johny: Brotherly love.
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me truely do you say prayers before eating?
> > >L-Johny : No maam, I don't, my mom is a good cook.
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
> > >your brother's. Did u copy his?
> > >L-Johny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
> > >
> > >Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
> > >no longer interested? L-Johny : A teacher
> > >
> > >*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Christmas was coming near and it was time for Little Johnny to finish his holiday shopping. He went into a toy shop, took a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.

The shopkeeper spoke up, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."

Little Johnny didn't reply and continued walking.

The shopkeeper repeated himself, but Johnny kept walking.

The third time the shopkeeper called him, Johnny replied, "What?"

The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."

Johnny looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
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Old 23rd March 2005, 11:07   #122
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Comfortablywacky.........the Harley and Ferrari jokes had me in splits!!!
crazy ones,they are!!!
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Old 23rd March 2005, 11:17   #123
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Why Newton commited suicide


Here is the reason.
Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his
head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics
were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.
1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't
be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great
Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet
passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he
is cured! Long Live Rajanikanth!
2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters.
Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife.
Guess, what he does?
He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards
the knife. The knife cuts the bullet i! nto 2 pieces, which kills both
th e gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the
middle one.

3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but
no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah? not even in your
remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots,
Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches
the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun.
the gangster dies...
The 'climax' f! inally arrives.
Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a
very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries
like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use.
Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the

(Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)
Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two gu ns from his pockets. He throws one gun
in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall,
he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in
air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

Newton commits suicide...
Well I ! guess Newton couldn't have done anything worse after seeing
these scenes.
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Old 23rd March 2005, 12:38   #124
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CW and moralfibre
had a good mighty laugh at those..
Keep em coming..
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Old 23rd March 2005, 12:42   #125
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Collection of famous quotes by Navjot Singh Sidhu

1. That ball went so high it could have got an air
hostess down with it.

2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India,
but it's that of an incoming train which will run them

3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when
you are bald.

4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for
a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was run out
in the third test against the West Indies at
Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends
of the rope."

5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian

6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more
than what they hide.

7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way
they will turn!

8. He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a
lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!

9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me
tell you, my friend that the Kiwi is the only bird in
the whole world, which does not have wings!

10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble -bee and the
Indians are in the sea.

12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin a

13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a
topless bar!

15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the
cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls
and everything else falls!

16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss
without a Squeeze.

17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.

18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a
goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to
Manchester United.

19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first
two bites too.

20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect
to score a six.

21. This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third
umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the
second test at Port of Spain T&T "Eddie Nichols is a
man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two

22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a
puncture or two.

24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or
losing your pants.

25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.

26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming

27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a
hard-boiled egg.

28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking

29. The third umpires should be changed as often as
nappies and for the same reason.

30. Kumble's bowling at the moment is flat as a Dosa.
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Old 23rd March 2005, 13:42   #126
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those are some very good quotes, love them.
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Old 23rd March 2005, 20:35   #127
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Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Failure In Italian Automotive Technology

Fancy Oil Recycling Device

Garage Man's Companion

Had One, Never Did Again

Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside

Just Expect Every Problem

Just A Guess U Are Rich

keep it away

Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious

Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements

My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke

Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday

Some A$$ Actually Boughtit!

Stupid Urbanites Bumbling Around Rural Areas

Toyota Overcharges You On Their Accessories

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions
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Old 23rd March 2005, 21:26   #128
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The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew today.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of
the Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ
people from Macquarie Fields.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent
documentary on how unemployed youths from the Macquarie Fields area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment.

John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by
the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.....
At the crew's first practice session, the Macquarie Fields pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12
seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a slab of VB, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in the shower!!.
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Old 23rd March 2005, 22:32   #129
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1)There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought, and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 120-mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."

2)A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, 'Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.' The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, 'I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.' Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, 'I want the house.' Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, 'I want the kids too.' The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, 'I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.' The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, 'Is there anything you want?' The husband says, 'No, I've got everything I need right here.' She asks, 'What's that?'

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, 'I've got the airbag!'

3)A mechanic was removing cylinder heads from a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor, please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively. "So doctor, look at this, I also open hearts, take valves out, grind'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try to do it when the engine is running."
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Old 24th March 2005, 18:30   #130
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Three engineers were in the gents. The guy from Volvo washed his hands thoroughly, and used 13 paper towels so that his hands were completely dry. "At Volvo, we take care to be thorough" he said. The second chap also washed his hands thoroughly, but only used one towel to dry his hands, using every corner, and even turning it over. "At Volkswagen, not only are we thorough, but we are also trained to be efficient" he said.
The third man headed straight for the door. "At Rolls-Royce, we don't pee on our hands."
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Old 28th March 2005, 13:25   #131
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Michael Jackson finally gets married ...and his wife delivers a son. so MJ goes to the doctor and asks " doc how long before we can have sex ? "

doc replies " let the kid become 13 atleast "
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Old 29th March 2005, 12:05   #132
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A millionaire in america had to go on a long vacation with his family. but her was worried about his dearest property . i .e his car worth 50000 dollars.

he went to a bank and asked for a loan of 5000 US dollars. the bank officials were surprised that a millionaire asking for a loan of such a smal amount. they agreed to give him the loan on a collateral guarantee. the millionaire offered to give his car as a collateral for the loan amount for one month at certain rate of interest which came to around us dollars 12.50. the car was parked in the parking lot of the bank under supervision

after a month when he came back from the vacation the millionaire went to the bank to return the loan of UD dollars 5000 along with the interest of US $ 12.50. the bank manager the asked him that he was such a big person still he asked for a loan of such a meagre amount. on this the millionaiore replied

" where in USA would i get to park my car safely for US $ 12.50 for a whole month"

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Old 30th March 2005, 01:27   #133
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This is not a joke. In fact my father was using this trick since 1960, instead of hiring a back locker (safe box) to keep our family gold ornaments, he used to obtain a loan againt those items from a bank and used to clear almost 90% of loan immedtly , then he used to pay only a small interest on the balance loan which was far less than bank 's locker rental charges. When ever our family needed those items ( for functions, festivals etc) he could go to the bank , clear the loan and get the items back in a day.

I believe this trick will work even today.
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Old 30th March 2005, 10:18   #134
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hey thaqts likt the millionaire sindhi/guju guy in new york who takes a 5000$ loan on his rolls since the parking is too expensive!!!
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Old 30th March 2005, 12:34   #135
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an american visits his old friend in australia both farmers the australin shows his 40hect farm to his friend,the american quickly says that in america he has a 60hect farm,then he shows his multiple use harvesting machine,the american quickly says i have two of these machines,suddenly a kangaroo jumps in,the american gets very scared and asks what is this?the australian say,"dont you have any grasshoppers in your farm?"
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