The Official Joke thread

adya33 · 6th September 2005, 15:59

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on practically any surface … but… it took them one decade and $12 million !!!

And what did the Russians do...?? well……. They used a pencil !

pingmepal · 6th September 2005, 17:01

v1p3r · 6th September 2005, 17:59

Try Djibouti and an iguana eating an apple!!!

Gordon · 7th September 2005, 14:29

Got this in my mail.
Its about some Hosur Road in Bangalore that connects to Electronic City.

http://savefile.com/files/1688971

amitoj · 7th September 2005, 17:13

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gordon

Got this in my mail.
Its about some Hosur Road in Bangalore that connects to Electronic City.

http://savefile.com/files/1688971

that was hilarious,Gordon! Specially the 4th slide!! Yeah Hosur road is one big pain for those who commute to electronic city.

Sid Schumacher · 8th September 2005, 15:39

Joke 1
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
************************************************** *******
Joke 2
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
************************************************** *******
Joke 3
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
************************************************** *******
Joke 4
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

Sid Schumacher · 8th September 2005, 16:16

> > A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
> >
> > around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is on heat."
> >
> > "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's
> >
> > in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad,
> >
> > may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she
> > said the dog was
> >
> > on heat, and to come to you". Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
> >
> > He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
> >
> > With it and said, "Okay, that should take care of that problem, you
> >
> > can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around
> >
> > the block."
> >
> > The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog
> >
> > on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
> >
> > The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around
> >
> > the block, so another dog is pushing her home".

__________________________________________________

Sid Schumacher · 8th September 2005, 16:20

Two old ladies are outside their nursing homes, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

MAUDE: What in the heck is that?

MABEL: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn?t get wet.

MAUDE: Where did you get it?

MABEL: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

?Doesn?t matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.?

The pharmacist fainted

Sid Schumacher · 8th September 2005, 16:24

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm
gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast
to
a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you
get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're
both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at
you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
place?

adya33 · 8th September 2005, 16:27

normally_crazy · 9th September 2005, 09:10

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and
spitting.
He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive",
then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here?
You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he
calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride.
So I say sure, why not?"
He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we
start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!!

He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and
the road is all twisty and curvey.
We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've
got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to
do something!!

We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500
foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an
overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!

I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Buddy, if
you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've
ever had!"

"DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!" ...*SPIT*

Sid Schumacher · 9th September 2005, 19:20

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you
like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
p*** before the film starts

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the
stains.

SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
out at 90 degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of
their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS. Avoid time-consuming job interviews by immediately tossing 90
per cent of the applicants' CVs into the bin.

MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together
with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or
grating.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and
wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on
their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR THIEVES. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply
shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle. When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3
miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,
where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the
countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Gordon · 13th September 2005, 21:45

This is a collection of leave letters and to mind you these are not Jokes but real things which we have received from diffrent places....................

applications written by people in various places of India.

1. A student's leave letter:

"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot

attend the class...."

---------------------------------------------

2. A candidate's application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for

a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I

am both for the past Several years and I can handle

both; I am applying for the post."

---------------------------------------------

3. I.T.I., Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as

follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along

with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

! ---------------------------------------------

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as

follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10

o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half

day casual leave"

---------------------------------------------

5. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from

headache. I request you to leave me today"

---------------------------------------------

6. An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day

holiday."

---------------------------------------------

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for

the day.

---------------------------------------------

8. A covering note:

! "I am enclosed herewith..."

--------------------------------------------

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:

As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible

for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

---------------------------------------------

10. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her

only husband At home I may be granted leave".

---------------------------------------------

11. Letter writing:

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same

well."

---------------------------------------------

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an

employee who was

Performing his daughter's wedding:

"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's

leave..."

karthik247 · 13th September 2005, 22:45

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................

So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!

adya33 · 14th September 2005, 02:06

Friends of Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none of them confirm that she was with them.

Friends of Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them!!

6th September 2005, 17:01	#437
pingmepal BHPian Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 47 Thanked: 0 Times View My Garage	Tattoo of the year

8th September 2005, 15:39	#441
Sid Schumacher BHPian Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Bangalore Posts: 262 Thanked: 3 Times	Some funnies Joke 1 A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked." ************************************************ *** Joke 2 The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois." ********************************************** *** Joke 3 A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bulltin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it." ********************************************** ***** Joke 4 A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak. "Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

8th September 2005, 16:16	#442
Sid Schumacher BHPian Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Bangalore Posts: 262 Thanked: 3 Times	Birds and Bees > > A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk > > > > around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is on heat." > > > > "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's > > > > in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, > > > > may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she > > said the dog was > > > > on heat, and to come to you". Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." > > > > He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside > > > > With it and said, "Okay, that should take care of that problem, you > > > > can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around > > > > the block." > > > > The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog > > > > on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" > > > > The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around > > > > the block, so another dog is pushing her home". __________________________________________________

8th September 2005, 16:20	#443
Sid Schumacher BHPian Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Bangalore Posts: 262 Thanked: 3 Times	Use of a Condom Two old ladies are outside their nursing homes, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. MAUDE: What in the heck is that? MABEL: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn?t get wet. MAUDE: Where did you get it? MABEL: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. ?Doesn?t matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.? The pharmacist fainted

8th September 2005, 16:24	#444
Sid Schumacher BHPian Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Bangalore Posts: 262 Thanked: 3 Times	Ever stop and wonder? Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum." Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . . Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

6th September 2005, 15:59	#436
adya33 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pune Posts: 1,834 Thanked: 185 Times	When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on practically any surface … but… it took them one decade and $12 million !!! And what did the Russians do...?? well……. They used a pencil !

6th September 2005, 17:59	#438
v1p3r Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: BLR / DXB / LON Posts: 5,365 Thanked: 7,507 Times View My Garage Infractions: 0/1 (7)	Try Djibouti and an iguana eating an apple!!!

7th September 2005, 14:29	#439
Gordon Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Mumbai Posts: 2,549 Thanked: 508 Times View My Garage	Got this in my mail. Its about some Hosur Road in Bangalore that connects to Electronic City. http://savefile.com/files/1688971

8th September 2005, 16:27	#445
adya33 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pune Posts: 1,834 Thanked: 185 Times

9th September 2005, 09:10	#446
normally_crazy Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Mumbai Posts: 4,305 Thanked: 544 Times View My Garage	There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit. A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit". "Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?" He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey. We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!" "DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!" ...SPIT

9th September 2005, 19:20	#447
Sid Schumacher BHPian Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Bangalore Posts: 262 Thanked: 3 Times	Good Advice DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*** before the film starts RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with your old bank statements. WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint. MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again. BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you. EMPLOYERS. Avoid time-consuming job interviews by immediately tossing 90 per cent of the applicants' CVs into the bin. MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating. ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness. DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again. CAR THIEVES. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. MOTORISTS. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. JEREMY Beadle. When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks. SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. SINGLE men. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan. ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices. McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

13th September 2005, 21:45	#448
Gordon Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Mumbai Posts: 2,549 Thanked: 508 Times View My Garage	This is a collection of leave letters and to mind you these are not Jokes but real things which we have received from diffrent places.................... applications written by people in various places of India. 1. A student's leave letter: "As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...." --------------------------------------------- 2. A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post." --------------------------------------------- 3. I.T.I., Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave. ! --------------------------------------------- 4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave" --------------------------------------------- 5. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today" --------------------------------------------- 6. An incident of a leave letter: "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday." --------------------------------------------- 7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day. --------------------------------------------- 8. A covering note: ! "I am enclosed herewith..." -------------------------------------------- 9. From H.A.L. Administration dept: As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave. --------------------------------------------- 10. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave". --------------------------------------------- 11. Letter writing: "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well." --------------------------------------------- 12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was Performing his daughter's wedding: "As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."

13th September 2005, 22:45	#449
karthik247 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: BLR, HYD Posts: 2,710 Thanked: 30 Times	When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive................... So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!

14th September 2005, 02:06	#450
adya33 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pune Posts: 1,834 Thanked: 185 Times	Friends of Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none of them confirm that she was with them. Friends of Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them!!