The Official Joke thread

Sam Kapasi · 21st October 2005, 10:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by n_aditya

... except that ur leg is heavily tattooed.... thats the joke...

hehehe

Coming from a man who put a cd cover on his body... HAHAHAHAHA

n_aditya · 21st October 2005, 13:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sam Kapasi

Coming from a man who put a cd cover on his body... HAHAHAHAHA

well thats something you don't seem to understand Sam... Its called passion and you could use some in life. Haven't you seen anyone with Harley Davidson Tattoo's ??? Passion doesn't stop with cars or bikes...

Anyways the intent was just answering someone. Stop being such a kid. We are all here to share what we know. No point being mean to each other. I hope this ends here.

Ciao.

ajmat · 21st October 2005, 14:19

I wanna try this !

www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=13458

Sam Kapasi · 21st October 2005, 15:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by n_aditya

well thats something you don't seem to understand Sam... Its called passion and you could use some in life. Haven't you seen anyone with Harley Davidson Tattoo's ??? Passion doesn't stop with cars or bikes...

Anyways the intent was just answering someone. Stop being such a kid. We are all here to share what we know. No point being mean to each other. I hope this ends here.

Ciao.

I am sorry if you thought i was being mean to you. I was genuinely wondering what the description of your tattoo was doing in a joke thread.

I am told, often, that I understand passion, because of what i do for a living.. And I dont even LIKE cars and bikes. And I AM heavily tattooed.And I wasn't being mean to you. I was making a joke. I've heard that people that make jokes, can take them too. That said amigo, don't ever stop being a kid, life's no fun then. Ask anyone that knows me what a big child I am.

So... brushing THAT aside, *flicking my hair like alicia siverstone in that movie... (help me someone)* Now I'll have to post a joke before i get pulled up and spanked for spoiling a joke thread.

I'm not pasting this, I just heard it a long time ago. SO I shall have to type it.
Here goes...

Once a guy went to a urinal and there was a black gentleman next to him. (I've used the politically correct term na?)
So this guy happens to look over at his dingaling and it's bloody huge! So he just cant help himself and remarks about how big it is.
The black guy just shrugs and says, "well, I come from an ancient African tribe and when we are young, our mummys tie a pebble to our dingalings. As we grow older the size of the pebble is increased and by the time we are adults, well, we look like this"
So the guy says, "wow, I think i want to try this" The black guy says, "go ahead, might work"

So a few weeks later, this black guy bumps into our man. "hey" says he, "what happened about your thingy?"
"Well, i went home and tied half a house-brick to my dangler" said the man.
"and?"
"well it seems to be working, I'm halfway there, it's turned black already"

mclaren1885 · 21st October 2005, 15:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sam Kapasi

I am sorry if you thought i was being mean to you. I was genuinely wondering what the description of your tattoo was doing in a joke thread.

I am told, often, that I understand passion, because of what i do for a living.. And I dont even LIKE cars and bikes. And I AM heavily tattooed.And I wasn't being mean to you. I was making a joke. I've heard that people that make jokes, can take them too. That said amigo, don't ever stop being a kid, life's no fun then. Ask anyone that knows me what a big child I am.

So... brushing THAT aside, *flicking my hair like alicia siverstone in that movie... (help me someone)* Now I'll have to post a joke before i get pulled up and spanked for spoiling a joke thread.

I'm not pasting this, I just heard it a long time ago. SO I shall have to type it.
Here goes...

Once a guy went to a urinal and there was a black gentleman next to him. (I've used the politically correct term na?)
So this guy happens to look over at his dingaling and it's bloody huge! So he just cant help himself and remarks about how big it is.
The black guy just shrugs and says, "well, I come from an ancient African tribe and when we are young, our mummys tie a pebble to our dingalings. As we grow older the size of the pebble is increased and by the time we are adults, well, we look like this"
So the guy says, "wow, I think i want to try this" The black guy says, "go ahead, might work"

So a few weeks later, this black guy bumps into our man. "hey" says he, "what happened about your thingy?"
"Well, i went home and tied half a house-brick to my dangler" said the man.
"and?"
"well it seems to be working, I'm halfway there, it's turned black already"

haha..u gotto hear that one from sams mouth to really have a hearty laugh..the way he says it is fab..im sure all of us at bangy fell over and over listening to that one..well done sam...

Dyslexic_Typist · 21st October 2005, 19:09

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her:
"Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little problem... you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."
"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell. At the day's end St Peter returned.
"So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."
The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell."
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there's just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

DCEite · 22nd October 2005, 12:12

Got this in my mail today.. i thought let me share it with you..

LAWYER:
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lordi.e.Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in
confidence and if you have the confidence.

SOFTWARE ENGINEERS:
Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features(privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities).There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her. Low Bugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build.

She must _NOT_ be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT or USER FRIENDLY.

We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.

DOCTOR:
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

BEGGAR:
Allah ke naam pe koi ek biwi de de, Doosre ki nahi to apni hi de de,
Allah tujhe ek ke badle do dega, Hillary hogi to Monika bhi dega

BANKER:
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

SHAYAR:
Badi muddat ke baad ek arzoo jaagi hai, Ki hum bhi shadi shuda ho jaye, Kya vajah shadi karane ki jo kahde sahi sahi, To yaaron ab khud se kaam ghar ka hota nahi.

DRUNKARD:
wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

CAR MECHANIC:
Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average............

Badcheetah · 22nd October 2005, 13:38

Hey Decite ,

On a LIGHTER NOTE ...

What line of work are you in and are you married yet ?? this might come in handy to some of us ..........

sorry yaar , no offence , all in good humour

nice one thow ,

Dyslexic_Typist · 24th October 2005, 23:02

The funny quotes are apparently true extracts from courtrooms. In each case the questioner is the lawyer; the answer is from the witness in the box.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

---------------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

--------------------------------------------

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

-------------------------------------------

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

---------------------------------------------

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

---------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk, in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

revtech · 25th October 2005, 00:39

An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.

A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.

Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, 'I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.'

The police officer said, 'I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.'

'But the sign says 22.'

The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.

As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.

All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, 'What's wrong with them?'

'Well, we just came off Interstate 134

Rev

revtech · 25th October 2005, 00:40

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine

rev

revtech · 25th October 2005, 16:44

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box?
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....

rev

Scuderia · 26th October 2005, 10:52

I'm sure even Sam and Navin havent seen such speakers... saw them in a rick yesterday

Sam Kapasi · 26th October 2005, 11:15

The pics arent very clear...lol what is that, an ulta speaker?

Scuderia · 26th October 2005, 11:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sam Kapasi

The pics arent very clear...lol what is that, an ulta speaker?

Yeah, captured em through my cell-cam.

Ulta speaker... me still guessing

22nd October 2005, 12:12	#562
DCEite Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: NCR Posts: 3,591 Thanked: 3,491 Times	Matrimonial Ads by profession !! Got this in my mail today.. i thought let me share it with you.. LAWYER: I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lordi.e.Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence. SOFTWARE ENGINEERS: Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features(privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities).There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her. Low Bugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She must _NOT_ be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT or USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer. DOCTOR: Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply. BEGGAR: Allah ke naam pe koi ek biwi de de, Doosre ki nahi to apni hi de de, Allah tujhe ek ke badle do dega, Hillary hogi to Monika bhi dega BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service. SHAYAR: Badi muddat ke baad ek arzoo jaagi hai, Ki hum bhi shadi shuda ho jaye, Kya vajah shadi karane ki jo kahde sahi sahi, To yaaron ab khud se kaam ghar ka hota nahi. DRUNKARD: wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample. CAR MECHANIC: Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average............

22nd October 2005, 13:38	#563
Badcheetah BHPian Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: New Delhi Posts: 123 Thanked: 3 Times	on a lighter Note Hey Decite , On a LIGHTER NOTE ... What line of work are you in and are you married yet ?? this might come in handy to some of us .......... sorry yaar , no offence , all in good humour nice one thow ,

24th October 2005, 23:02	#564
Dyslexic_Typist Newbie Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Mumbai Posts: 6 Thanked: 5 Times	Funny courtroom gaffes The funny quotes are apparently true extracts from courtrooms. In each case the questioner is the lawyer; the answer is from the witness in the box. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. --------------------------------------------- Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ------------------------------------------ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. -------------------------------------------- Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ------------------------------------------- Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. --------------------------------------------- Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? --------------------------------------------- Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk, in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

25th October 2005, 00:39	#565
revtech Senior - BHPian Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,992 Thanked: 39 Times View My Garage	Speed limits !! An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower. A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over. Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, 'I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.' The police officer said, 'I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.' 'But the sign says 22.' The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22. As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car. All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy. The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, 'What's wrong with them?' 'Well, we just came off Interstate 134 Rev

26th October 2005, 10:52	#568
Scuderia BHPian Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Mumbai Posts: 127 Thanked: 8 Times	anti-cones I'm sure even Sam and Navin havent seen such speakers... saw them in a rick yesterday

21st October 2005, 14:19	#558
ajmat Team-BHP Support Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Bangalore Posts: 15,201 Thanked: 31,509 Times View My Garage	I wanna try this ! www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=13458

21st October 2005, 19:09	#561
Dyslexic_Typist Newbie Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Mumbai Posts: 6 Thanked: 5 Times	A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her: "Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little problem... you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you." "Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?" "Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity." "Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell. At the day's end St Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two." The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell." Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there's just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

25th October 2005, 00:40	#566
revtech Senior - BHPian Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,992 Thanked: 39 Times View My Garage	A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine rev

25th October 2005, 16:44	#567
revtech Senior - BHPian Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,992 Thanked: 39 Times View My Garage	A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box..... rev

26th October 2005, 11:15	#569
Sam Kapasi Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Mumbai (but wat Posts: 6,935 Thanked: 2,480 Times View My Garage	The pics arent very clear...lol what is that, an ulta speaker?

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