A man, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible ship-wreck, and they find themselves stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig.
They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, beautiful cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, the four of them lying there, perfect for romance.
The guy started getting those ideas again so he leaned over toward the girl and asked,
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny b****** ," called out Eddie.
A man lives with his parents his whole life. He doesn't drink, smoke, or do anything of that nature. Most importantly, though, he doesn't swear.
After both of his parents have died, when he's in his late fifties, he becomes lonely. He decides to go to the pet store, and buy a friend to talk to. He asks for the most talkative parrot that they have. They bring him a small, fluffy blue parrot, and he takes it home.
Excitedly, he says, "hello, new friend, what would you like me to call you". The parrot doesn't reply. The man, thinking that the parrot must be unable to hear him, repeats the sentence a bit louder. The parrot replies with "I heard you the first time, A**hole".
Appalled, the man solemnly says "we don't use that kind of language in this house". Upon hearing this, the parrot starts screaming every profanity he's ever heard, even in other languages. The man gets terribly upset, and chases the parrot into a closet. Twenty minutes later, he's still swearing like a sailor.
So, he puts the parrot into a kitchen cabinet, and it does no good. Finally, he decides that a few minutes in the freezer will scare the parrot into stopping. He puts the parrot into the freezer, and after about a minute, the swearing comes to a stop.
Scared that he must've killed the parrot, he throws the freezer door open. The parrot hops out, and immediately cuddles up against the man, and says "I've learned my lesson, I'm sorry".
The man says "what caused you to stop using such horrible language?". The parrot shakes a little bit, and says "I saw what you did to the chicken".
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Mr.Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma?" "Yes...... speaking" AEC guy,
"You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
" Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... he will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle." :