|30th September 2005, 22:08||#496|
Senior - BHPian
Bush In Hell
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
|30th September 2005, 23:11||#497|
Join Date: Nov 2004
Thanked: 9 Times
A Sardarji goes abroad…. to a big city, in search of a job. Since he came from a village, he is quite amazed by all the tall sky scrapers there. As each building was unique in its design and architecture, he spends a few minutes admiring each one of the building and then moves to the next one.
A local, noticing what the Sardarji is doing realises that he is new. He approaches the Sardarji and says………..
Local - So how do like the these tall buildings ?
Sardarji – Its quite amazing… never seen such tall, beautiful buildings. I especially like that grey building there…
Local – Well …… I own that building and there is a local law here, you gotta pay 10 dollars for each floor of the building you saw to the owner of the building.. and that’s me… So how many floors did you see ?
Sardji – Is that so ? Never knew about it…. (He thinks for a while and then says…. ) Well I saw 14 floors of your building….. so here ‘s your 140 dollars.
The local is overjoyed by this…. he quickly collects the money and goes away.
Another woman, who was watching all this from a distance goes up to the Sardarji and tries to tell that he has been tricked…. but to her surprise before she says anything, the Sardarji starts laughing out loudly…. The confused woman asks the him “ why are you laughing…. that guy just tricked you “
To that the Sardarji says, “ No, you fell for it too ...I lied... I saw 40 floors …. But I told him I only saw 14…..".
Last edited by vinod : 30th September 2005 at 23:13.
|1st October 2005, 16:37||#498|
Join Date: Feb 2004
Thanked: 219,584 Times
Why NOT to marry a car girl
I get it every time. ?I wish my GF/wife/SO was like you!? No. You don?t. I am a car chick, and you don?t want to be attached to a car chick. You want to run. Far, far away. And I am going to tell you why it sucks to be married to me.
First and foremost, it is because I am a girl and I know about cars. I know about driving, fast AND twisty. And I might know more about cars and driving than you do. You don?t want to live with that, trust me. You have no idea how fast that is going to get old.
Second. Don?t tell me what car to get. I can figure that out for myself, thank you. I?m probably going to tell you what car you should get. I?m going to not only tell you what chassis to buy, but what motor and transmission to put in it. And if you don?t agree with me and decide to buy something else, I?ll give you crap about it until you are ready to get rid of it. I won?t work on it and I won?t wash it. You can pick the colors, though. I?ll live with that. And if you decide that you need to tell me what to buy, go talk to your mom instead. She probably needs your help.
Third. OMG, OMG, OMG, thank you, honey! What an incredible surprise! I knew you loved me! That turbo kit you found on eBay? The one you bought and didn?t tell me about? Well, it fits my car too. And since it arrived while you were away on a business trip and I had no way of knowing whose car it was for, I already have it installed. On my car. I love you!
Fourth. I?m female. Females like to shop. Not all for the same things, though. You?ll be sorry about that when instead of replacing my worn out old clothes, I?m more interested in a new intercooler or exhaust. When everything I own is covered with grease and oil stains and looks like it spent a week in the gearbox (including that cute Puma tee you got me), you are going to hate it that I don?t shop for clothes. You?re going to wish I shopped for clothes. Yeah, I like those MissSixty jeans, but the only fabric I?m interested in spending money on is the Alcantara I?m going to redo my interior with. Costs more, too.
Fifth. I know how to fold a map. You don?t. You are a lesser being.
Sixth. Your friends all want to hang out with me. At first, this is cool for you. You can bring me along to a meet or a garage day and I don?t get all weirded-out. I can even lend a hand where needed. Eventually the guys realize that I know what I am talking about and I become an equal. And then they remember I am a girl. And now I?m cooler than you.
Seven. Speaking of maps, you had better be a good navigator. This is one that you can?t win. If you suck at navigating, I?ll be cranky because I have to navigate and can?t drive. If you?re great at navigating, you won?t get to drive. In fact, I might drive and navigate at the same time if you?re really that bad. Then I will be happy and cranky at the same time and probably ignore you since you?re pretty much superfluous.
Eight. My toolbox is my toolbox. It is a fancy rollaway stacker filled with nice stuff. I do not skimp on tools. I don?t care if you do, but I had better not catch you pilfering my stuff when yours breaks. I not only have nice tools, I know how to use each and every one of them. I will use each and every one of them on my car and any other car I deem worthy. Sometimes I won?t, which will probably be when I am fixing your car. No tool is no excuse for not working/repairing/etc. If I can do it with my bare hands, you had better be able to. Otherwise, you are going to get owned by a girl.
Nine. My car is my car. It?s not your car. Ask first. And put the seat back. And the mirrors? And the radio station... And if there?s a ding on it, be prepared to pay up.
Ten. You love me for being a car chick, and you hate yourself for putting up with it. If you do manage to put up with it (glutton for punishment, you are), you are going to wonder why all your friends don?t find car chicks of their own. Mostly so they will leave me alone. Let?s face it, I get more attention than you or your car does no matter where we go. Even worse, I go away sometimes just to do car things with car guys. I will probably have a guy as a co-driver, too. I behave myself when I?m away, but you have no way of knowing that. You are just going to have to trust me.
If these aren?t enough reasons to run away from a car chick, I can keep going. I have tons more. Of course, if you decide you are man enough to date that car chick or even marry her, I wish you all the luck in the world. You?re going to need it.
Source : VW Vortex Article
|1st October 2005, 18:29||#499|
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: nerul, navi mum
Thanked: 40 Times
GTO that has me laughing all the way to home now. i mite let my husband read this or i mite not let him read this article. coz if he reads this he is gonna sympathise with himself and if he doesnt then i m gonna sympathise with myself.
so i think i let him read this and emphatise rather then me going thru the torture of not letting him know that i m a car chick. the fact he chooses to ignore.
|2nd October 2005, 18:05||#500|
Join Date: Feb 2004
Thanked: 22,466 Times
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked: "What's your hurry?"
She replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered: "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
"I work from side to side until I can get both hands in and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide"
"And just what the hell do you do with a six foot *******?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket £60
Court Costs £45
The look on Cop's face..
|5th October 2005, 17:34||#501|
Senior - BHPian
Clever Attorney !!
A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has
screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper
happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his
attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10
million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney,
using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10
million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back:
"I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't
know what you're talking about." That's when the
Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him
again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll
kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is
in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my
cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he
say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have
the guts to pull the trigger.
|7th October 2005, 15:04||#503|
Join Date: Sep 2005
Thanked: 10 Times
Hallmark Cardz !!
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.3. We have been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!13. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.1 7. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.18. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
|7th October 2005, 16:58||#505|
Join Date: Sep 2005
Thanked: 10 Times
....just kidding buddy, those were from a fwd mail.
|8th October 2005, 01:28||#506|
Senior - BHPian
A man once spent days looking for his new hat.
Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday
and sit at the back. During the service he would
sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The
sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat
through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he
waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the
one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I
started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed
The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery.
When you started to preach on that, I remembered
where I left my hat."
|8th October 2005, 01:29||#507|
Senior - BHPian
Question of hieght
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget!"
|9th October 2005, 21:23||#509|
Join Date: Oct 2005
Thanked: 0 Times
Funny motor insurance claims
The biggest and best list of funny insurance claims forms gaffes. Real motor insurance claims forms gaffes have been making us laugh for decades. Here are the best funny insurance claims all in one list.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
|10th October 2005, 08:44||#510|
Join Date: Feb 2004
Thanked: 22,466 Times
An educational and inspiring guide on how to name your kids as if you are a Malayalee Christian -
Remember, all this in just jest ....
Statutory warning : If you are not South Indian or have no expreinec of things South Indian it might be pointless reading further.
Extra Statutory warning : If you are a Mallu with the pride of Kerala in your loins but no sense of humour to go with it DON'T read any further.
You stand warned.
It has been a well kept secret for eons, shrouded in mystery and mazes of deceit, but finally Itty Boben Jacob Elias Kuruvilla from Pazhookaville,near Thelmasherry, Kerala has consented to let us publish what has been till now a highly classified Mallu formula, on the naming of Mallu Christian kids.
1. Select a combination of both the mother's and father's names. Eg: Suresh and Sharon = Susha or Joseph and Beena = Jobi.
2. The addition of a 'mon' (meaning son) or 'mol' (meaning daughter) is optional. eg: Sushamol, Jobimon
3. To attach a modern Anglicised feel to the names, the mol or mon can be replaced with boy or girl. eg: Jobiboy, Sushagirl.
4. For the politically correct Keralite family, mol and mon can be replaced by the universal 'kutty' (child), which can be used for both boys and girls! Eg: Jokutty, Susikutty
5. Even parents having combination names can still give their children suitable names eg: Libi and Jobi = Lijo
However, in the scenario where the parents already have combination names that cannot form more comprehensible child names. Eg: Itty and Amukutty, would produce only Itam (which doesn't even sound like a name) or Amit (which is like Northie and stuff!!!!), then
a. use an English word like Baby, Merry, Titty, Pearly, Smiley, Anarchy, etc.
b. use a combination of two English names that you think sound cool (but never cool enough) like Meredith + Gina = Megi, or Sharon + Darlene = Sharlene
c. Use a name from the Bible (and not Nebuchadnezzar! Use one that even Velliammachi can pronounce!) like Jacob, Sam, John, Joseph, Mathew, or Jijo!
d. Use a name that sounds like a cuss word but isn't. Eg: Boben, Prussy, Shagi, JustinTimberlake etc.
Note: The use of the letter 'j' is useful in the naming of sibling where names that sound alike are a novelty. Eg: Ajji, Sajji, Majji, Bhajji and Nimajji, or Sijo, Lijo, Jijo, Anjo, Panjo, Banjo.
BTW, what do you call a mallu kid who sticks his nose into other people's business?
A. Pokemon ?!!!!!
Now, await the secrets of naming mallu Hindu kids .... all will be revealed soon!