Team-BHP > Shifting gears > Et Cetera

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Old 13th June 2006, 13:06   #1246
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Originally Posted by v1p3r
"Time to ICE up the Aveo"??!!
Thats the first thing that comes in the search result.....!!! ??? Hey JK is it this that you were pointing at or the entire result ???
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Old 13th June 2006, 13:15   #1247
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A man kills a DEER, cooks it and does'nt tell his kids what it is.... He gives a clue, " Its what your mom calls me !!! "... Son screams : Dont eat , its an AS*HOLE !!!

Two twins JOE and JOHN...
An elderly lady said to JOE ( mistaking him for JOHN ) : Sorry for your loss !!!
JOE ( thinking about his boat ) said : She was a rotten thing with a huge bottom. She was losing her water, had a crack in the back and a big hole in the front which got bigger and she leaked crazy. What finished her was when i rented her to 4 guys. The fools tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down in the middle.....
The old lady FAINTS !!!!

Last edited by Jay : 13th June 2006 at 13:17.
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Old 14th June 2006, 12:35   #1248
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It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself. You lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads " Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him inthe dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And theyonly scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes."
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Old 15th June 2006, 04:04   #1249
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Pj On The Day

Teacher to Sardar: Make a sentence in which one word is repeated twice.

Sardar : If Lara Dutta Marries Brian Lara, She will become Lara Lara,

Bolo Tararara!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last edited by bike_bug : 15th June 2006 at 04:07.
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Old 15th June 2006, 10:58   #1250
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HOTEL KERALA-FONIA courtesy Kerala Tourism Board

On the road to Trivandrum
Coconut oil in my hair
Warm smell of avial
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a bright pink tube-light
My tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thin
I had to stop for a bite
There he stood in the doorway
Flicked his mundu in style
And I was thinking to myself
I don't like the look of his sinister smile
Then he lit up a petromax
Muttering "No power today"
More Mallus down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace,
Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
It's infested here
It's infested here

His finger's stuck up his nostril
He's got a big, thick mustache
He makes an ugly, ugly noise
But that's just his laugh
Buxom girls clad in pavada
Eating banana chips
Some roll their eyes, and
Some roll their hips
I said to the manager
My room's full of mice
He said,
Don't worry, saar,I sending you
meen karri, brandy and ice
And still those voices were crying from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them pray

Save us from the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace
Trying to live at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
It is no surprise
It is no surprise (background)
That it swarms with flies

The blind man was pouring
Stale sambar on rice
And he said
We are all just actors here
In Silk Smitha-disguise
And in the dining chamber
We gathered for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can't cut that beef
Last thing I remember
I was writhing on the floor
That cockroach in my appam-stew was the culprit,
I am sure
Relax, said the watchman
This enema will make you well
And his friends laughed as they held me down
God's Own Country? Oh, Hell!
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Old 15th June 2006, 13:40   #1251
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A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”
Kenny replied, “Well then, just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Kenny said, “OK then, just unload the donkey.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Kenny———-”I’m going to raffle him off.”
Farmer———” You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
Kenny———-”Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”
Kenny———-”I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.”
Farmer———”Didn’t anyone complain?”
Kenny———”Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
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Old 17th June 2006, 01:09   #1252
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Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

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Old 17th June 2006, 03:28   #1253
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Two doctors are walking down a hospital corridor when a patient runs past them screaming for help, with a pretty blonde nurse in hot pursuit.

The older doc asks the younger one, "What's up with that guy?" and the younger one says "Damn Amy, she always gets things wrong. I told her specifically to prick that patient's boil".
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Old 17th June 2006, 03:33   #1254
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Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)

A2: By doing the splits.
Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their b**** show!

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde b***h going to leave!?
"All the blondes have gone home!"

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: T**s Go In Front.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Last edited by Rehaan : 17th June 2006 at 10:37.
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Old 17th June 2006, 03:41   #1255
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Some Ronald Reagan Quotes:
* Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.

* The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

* Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

* Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

* Actually, a government bureau is the nearest thing to eternal life we'll ever see on this earth!

* A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a short time ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist.

* The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.

* Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

* Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

* When you see all that rhetorical smoke billowing up from the Democrats, well, ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee (Bill Clinton): don't inhale!
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Old 17th June 2006, 11:32   #1256
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hi all

Cases for and against marriage:


Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied,
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.


Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."


Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad : "That happens in most countries son."


Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."


A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.


When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?

CASE 10:

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

CASE 11:

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

CASE 12:

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

CASE 13:

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.

CASE 14:

A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
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Old 18th June 2006, 13:05   #1257
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A family is driving in their car on holiday. A frog is
crossing the road and the husband somehow manages to stop
the car without hitting it. He gets out and carries the frog
to the side of the road.

The frog is very grateful and thanks the man, telling him
that he will grant him a wish. So the man says, "Please make
my dog win his next race."

The frog looks at the dog, which jumped out of the car, and
notices that the dog has only three legs. He tells the man
that it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks
that the man make another wish. The man says, "Well, then
please help my wife win the next beauty contest she enters."

The frog asks the wife to get out of the car. The wife comes
out of the car and walks over to the frog. The frog turns
to the man and says, "Could I have another look at that
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Old 19th June 2006, 09:51   #1258
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The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?” “Yep.”
“Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
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Old 19th June 2006, 16:35   #1259
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Reliance Mobile ke handset ke pichhe "3G CDMA" kyun likha hota hai?

The meaning of "3G CDMA" - 3 Gujarati Chor Dheeru, Mukesh, Anil

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Old 20th June 2006, 11:57   #1260
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A program was … a television show
An application was .. for employment
Windows were….. something u hated to clean
A cusor … used profanity
A keyboard was …a piano
Memory was….. something u lost with age
A CD was… a bank account
If u unzipped in public u went to jail
Compress was something u did to garbage
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
Log on was adding wood to fire
A backup happened to your toilet
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
Cut.. u did with scissors
Paste.. u did with glue
A web was a spiders home
And a virus was the flu!!
… Times surely have changed
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