Team-BHP > Shifting gears > Et Cetera

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Old 9th June 2006, 11:31   #1231
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A young lady is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.

She says: ''You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the
left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you''

The boyfriend says: ''Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?''

"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?''
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Old 9th June 2006, 17:04   #1232
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The Scotsman on The Bus
A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up: "You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."
The Scotsman responds: "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."
They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase, and hurls it out of the bus.
It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.
The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ya trin' to overcharge me for the ticket -- but now you're gone 'n drowned me boy Jonny."

10 Years

Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one.
Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.
"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".
The man signed the papers, started waliking away and then stooped, turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the morning or at the afternnon".
"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman. "Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".
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Old 9th June 2006, 17:38   #1233
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I had read this somewhere, don't remember exactly, probably some car audio magazine. It was about this radio jockey. He said..

"I woke up listening to rap music this morning. I had no choice. It was playing in a Jeep a mile away"
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Old 9th June 2006, 22:18   #1234
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# Sign on a railway station at Patna:

Aana free, jaana free,

pakde gaye to khana free.

# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:

Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.

She may be your grandmother!

# Seen on a bulletin board:

Success is relative

More the success, more the relatives.

# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:

we need your heads to run our business.

# A traffic slogan:

Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....


Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations

It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."

- Indian Armed Forces
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Old 9th June 2006, 22:18   #1235
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How to identify the city u are in by observing a street brawl

Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a thrid guy comes along, then a fourth and
they start arguing about who's right.
You are in Kolkatta

Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a thrid guy comes along, sees them and
walks on.
That's Mumbai

Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a thrid guy comes along & tries to make
peace. The first two get together & beat him up.
That's Delhi

Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along
and quietly opens a chai/kapi stall ---
That's anywhere in Kerala

Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy come along, then a fourth and
they start
To figure out an algorithm to solve the fight , without actually
getting involved ;making sure
They earn a lot of foreign currency for the state
Then you are in Bangalore

Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting and a third guy come along, dont even tries to
make out what had happened
start hitting one of them and then go with the second guy ask him to
pay for his effort with a beer...
that's Gurgaon

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along
and gives 3-4 slaps to one of them and vanishes away
Then u r surely in UP.
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Old 10th June 2006, 10:04   #1236
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******Breaking news******
Water found on Mars...!

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Old 10th June 2006, 12:04   #1237
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Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from
some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no
longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of
being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases
have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

I think you could use more training.
You don't know what the f___you're doing.

She's an aggressive go-getter.
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

Perhaps I can work late.
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

I'm certain that isn't feasible.
No f______ way.

You've got to be sh__ing me!

Perhaps you should check with...
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

I wasn't involved in the project.
It's not my f______ problem.

That's interesting.
What the f___?

I'm not sure this can be implemented.
This sh__ won't work.

I'll try to schedule that.
Why the h_! __ didn't you tell me sooner?

He's not familiar with the issues.
He's got his head up his a__.

Excuse me, sir?
Eat sh__ and die.

So you weren't happy with it?
Kiss my a__.

I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
F___ it, I'm on salary.

I don't think you understand.
Shove it up your a__.

I love a challenge.
This job sucks.

You want me to take care of that?
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

He's somewhat insensitive.
He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources
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Old 10th June 2006, 12:07   #1238
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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night
and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if
I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bicycle!"
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Old 11th June 2006, 19:35   #1239
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Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”. “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”
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Old 12th June 2006, 10:27   #1240
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when an intruder startled her.She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you". "Scripture?" replied the burglar."She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
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Old 12th June 2006, 10:29   #1241
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The Manager asked: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Indian said: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in

Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him
the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we
close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our
sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you
want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better
than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale

Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"

Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sold him small
Then I sold him medium fishhook.
Then I sold him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a
boat, so we went down to the boating department and I
sold him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to our automotive
department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he'd be staying, and since he
had no accommodation, I took him to camping department
and sold him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw
in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here
to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck
and a tent?"

Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy
Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is
the best way to relax your mind."
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Old 12th June 2006, 10:30   #1242
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Gabber: Kitne Aadmi they.
Sambha: Sardar Do,
Gabber: Mujhe ginti nahi aati. Do kitne hotey hain?
Sambha: Sardar Do Ek ke baad aata hai.
Gabber: Aur Do ke pehle?
Sambha: Do ke pehle Ek aata hai.
Gabber: To beech mein kaun aata hai?
Sambha: Beech mein koi nahi aata.
Gabber: To fir Dono ek saath kyon nahi atey?
Sambha: Do Ek ke baad hi aa sakta hai, kyonki Do ek se bada hai.
Gabber: Do ek se bada hai? Kitna bada hai?
Sambha Do ek se Ek bada hai?
Gabber: Agar Do ek se ek bada hai to ek ek se kitna bada hai?
Sambha: Sardar, Maine tumhara namak khaya hai, mujhe goli mar do.
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Old 12th June 2006, 21:07   #1243
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cheapest supercar in the world
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Old 13th June 2006, 11:30   #1244
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do a search frm any page for the word JOKE. what do you see?
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Old 13th June 2006, 12:57   #1245
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"Time to ICE up the Aveo"??!!
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