The Official Joke thread

sinharishi · 30th January 2015, 18:00

Husband and wife at home watching National Geographic.

Wife : I can't bear to see the cheetah kill the deer and eat it.

Husband: This is nature darling. If the cheetah has to survive, it has to hunt and eat.

Wife: No, no.... Do something....

Husband: What can I do about this darling??

Wife: If the cheetah captures and eats the deer, my mother will come to live with us permanently.

To know what happens next, watch the video below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRbPgFuAGtk

1self · 1st February 2015, 07:16

The TRUTH has ben spoken!

babu.sundaram · 1st February 2015, 15:42

The other day, I was in for wheel alignment. The gentleman whose car was ahead of me, just got done. The shop owner doesnt know anything other than Kannada and (a very broken) English. The gentleman doesnt know Kannada and speaks heavily accented English.

Post the alignment the gentleman wanted the shop owner for a test ride and that was done too. Finally, the gentleman wanted the shop attendant to return the "pins" though new ones installed. He feared that the new pins would not be able to hold tyres in place and he has a bug risk. The shop attendant blinked and there ensued a small tussle. After couple of mins, I intervened spoke to the shop owner, understood the problem and explained to the gentleman that "pins" are not needed. The gentleman got very upset and drove out in anger.

PS: The "pins" are the balancing weights!

Gannu_1 · 4th February 2015, 17:53

Customer: Vehicle Grinds shifting into 3rd gear.
Service support: customer 4'10 can't push clutch all the way in and hit 3rd.

Customer: Radio volume goes up and down on it's own.
Service support: Vehicle has speed dependent volume where it gets louder the faster you go.

Customer: Air bag light on.
Service support: Found control module under center consul filled with coffee. Customer denies ever spilling anything.

Customer: Washer fluid light on.
Service support: found washer fluid level sensor broken off, bumper damaged. Customer denies hitting anything.

Customer: Bluetooth won't pair with their phone.
Service support: Customer has a 5 year old Nokia flip phone.

Customer: Smear on sunroof glass won't clean off.
Service support: Found booger trapped in sunroof glass seal causing smear.

Customer: Engine low on power.
Service support: Found air box filled with dog treats causing restriction.

Customer: AUX input only plays through left channel.
Service support: Throw away mono cord, get stereo cord.

Customer: Strange knocking/rattling noises heard.
Service support: Kids marbles found inside rear door pocket.

Source: Imgur

johannskaria · 7th February 2015, 14:17

Couldn't stop laughing!

poised2drive · 7th February 2015, 14:34

From Fb:

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNo w!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdi otGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[notwithstanding the technical mistake where the same password wouldn't be detected like a username ]

1self · 8th February 2015, 10:18

The REAL meaning of Ecoboost!

vinay kamath · 8th February 2015, 18:24

marriage has some humourous situations

SunnyBoi · 8th February 2015, 18:41

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet......Please advise."

heydj · 11th February 2015, 16:20

Mods: Please remove if you feel its inappropriate. Thanks!

Got this on Whatsapp-

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said,!

'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And! for more than three hours, too.”

“The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Patel fainted ! ! !

rajshenoy · 11th February 2015, 17:01

A joke from Facebook ...

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change
to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on
towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Moral of the story: "Silence is Golden"

1self · 13th February 2015, 08:34

As Feb 14 approaches, some thoughts.

Gannu_1 · 15th February 2015, 18:34

Cricket World Cups - Sri Lanka has never beaten Pakistan, Pakistan has never beaten India and India has never beaten South Africa. And South Africa has never won a World Cup.

benbsb29 · 16th February 2015, 08:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gannu_1

Cricket World Cups - Sri Lanka has never beaten Pakistan, Pakistan has never beaten India and India has never beaten South Africa. And South Africa has never won a World Cup.

So, which order to start? From Sri Lanka beating Pakistan, or SA winning the World Cup?

poised2drive · 16th February 2015, 11:50

Quote:

Originally Posted by benbsb29

So, which order to start? From Sri Lanka beating Pakistan, or SA winning the World Cup?

As the tradition continues, PAkistan still cannot beat India and if the chart goes on, the Proteas might still not win the WC

1st February 2015, 07:16	#8732
1self BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Pune Posts: 629 Thanked: 330 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread The TRUTH has ben spoken! Attached Thumbnails

1st February 2015, 15:42	#8733
babu.sundaram BHPian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Bangalore Posts: 264 Thanked: 93 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread The other day, I was in for wheel alignment. The gentleman whose car was ahead of me, just got done. The shop owner doesnt know anything other than Kannada and (a very broken) English. The gentleman doesnt know Kannada and speaks heavily accented English. Post the alignment the gentleman wanted the shop owner for a test ride and that was done too. Finally, the gentleman wanted the shop attendant to return the "pins" though new ones installed. He feared that the new pins would not be able to hold tyres in place and he has a bug risk. The shop attendant blinked and there ensued a small tussle. After couple of mins, I intervened spoke to the shop owner, understood the problem and explained to the gentleman that "pins" are not needed. The gentleman got very upset and drove out in anger. PS: The "pins" are the balancing weights!

4th February 2015, 17:53	#8734
Gannu_1 Team-BHP Support Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Madras Posts: 7,174 Thanked: 20,220 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Customer: Vehicle Grinds shifting into 3rd gear. Service support: customer 4'10 can't push clutch all the way in and hit 3rd. Customer: Radio volume goes up and down on it's own. Service support: Vehicle has speed dependent volume where it gets louder the faster you go. Customer: Air bag light on. Service support: Found control module under center consul filled with coffee. Customer denies ever spilling anything. Customer: Washer fluid light on. Service support: found washer fluid level sensor broken off, bumper damaged. Customer denies hitting anything. Customer: Bluetooth won't pair with their phone. Service support: Customer has a 5 year old Nokia flip phone. Customer: Smear on sunroof glass won't clean off. Service support: Found booger trapped in sunroof glass seal causing smear. Customer: Engine low on power. Service support: Found air box filled with dog treats causing restriction. Customer: AUX input only plays through left channel. Service support: Throw away mono cord, get stereo cord. Customer: Strange knocking/rattling noises heard. Service support: Kids marbles found inside rear door pocket. Source: Imgur

7th February 2015, 14:17	#8735
johannskaria BHPian Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: MH 12 / KL 08 Posts: 795 Thanked: 2,105 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Couldn't stop laughing! Attached Thumbnails

7th February 2015, 14:34	#8736
poised2drive BHPian Join Date: Sep 2014 Location: Vijayawada-HYD Posts: 491 Thanked: 1,315 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread From Fb: PASSWORD PROBLEMS: WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively. USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNo w! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdi otGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. [notwithstanding the technical mistake where the same password wouldn't be detected like a username ]

8th February 2015, 10:18	#8737
1self BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Pune Posts: 629 Thanked: 330 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread The REAL meaning of Ecoboost! Attached Thumbnails

8th February 2015, 18:24	#8738
vinay kamath Senior - BHPian Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: MUMBAIBANGALORE Posts: 1,349 Thanked: 1,852 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread marriage has some humourous situations Attached Thumbnails

8th February 2015, 18:41	#8739
SunnyBoi Senior - BHPian Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Mysore / B'lore Posts: 1,666 Thanked: 4,111 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet......Please advise."

11th February 2015, 16:20	#8740
heydj BHPian Join Date: May 2014 Location: Rotterdam/Delhi Posts: 535 Thanked: 734 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Mods: Please remove if you feel its inappropriate. Thanks! Got this on Whatsapp- Making a baby. This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!-- The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said,! 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And! for more than three hours, too.” “The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Patel fainted ! ! !

11th February 2015, 17:01	#8741
rajshenoy Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: bangalore Posts: 2,885 Thanked: 2,230 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread A joke from Facebook ... As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen politely turns to President Obama: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses." Moral of the story: "Silence is Golden"

13th February 2015, 08:34	#8742
1self BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Pune Posts: 629 Thanked: 330 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread As Feb 14 approaches, some thoughts. Attached Thumbnails

15th February 2015, 18:34	#8743
Gannu_1 Team-BHP Support Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Madras Posts: 7,174 Thanked: 20,220 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Cricket World Cups - Sri Lanka has never beaten Pakistan, Pakistan has never beaten India and India has never beaten South Africa. And South Africa has never won a World Cup.