Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering what to do, when his
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh
Singh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab. I am ringing to inform
you that we are officially declaring the war on you!"
"Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army"
"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi
team from the Gurudwara Sahib. That makes eight"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."
"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
"Mr. Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a buffalo and Amrik's tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2
million since we last spoke."
"Oh teri to ...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of
shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school
pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Tera bhala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.
"Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart"
"Well," said Gurmukh, "we all have had a long chat over a couple of
lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid .....aht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
Strange, isnt it?
So GTO, as spelling is not important , can we relax the rules on the forum.
when you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, rather take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Joe. Could I please speak with Robyn?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "a$$hole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too I said,
"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're an a$$hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called a$$hole #1.
"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"A$$hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole," and hung up.
Then I called a$$hole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, a$$hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said “Honk if you love Jesus.”
So I honked. The
driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled “Can’t you see the light is still red, you moron?”
1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
3. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
4. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
6. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
7. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A : Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
8. Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
9. Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
10. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
>Saturday 29th April 2006.
>Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
>shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit
>late so thought it might be that.
>The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
>quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we
>go somewhere nice to eat.
>All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed,
>and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was
>saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
>He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
>he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was
>something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the
>After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to
>I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He
>just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later
>he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed
>distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and
>that he had found someone else...
>I cried myself to sleep.
>Saturday 29th April 2006.
>Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then,
>Got a shag though.