[dadudeonfire]

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter, 'What are you doing naked?'

The daughter responds, 'This is the dress of love.'

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her, 'What are you doing naked?'

She responds, 'This is the dress of love.'

'Well,' he says to her, 'go iron it.'

[dadudeonfire]

A nervous lady sat on a dentist's chair to get her tooth extracted, seeing too many instruments she got frightened.

'Doctor, I would rather have my baby than my tooth pulled out'

The dentist retorted 'Well make up your mind so that I can adjust the chair accordingly'.

[dadudeonfire]

Santa Singh goes to the market with his wife and meets Banta.

On seeing his beautiful wife Banta comments, 'Oye Santa, apni rakhail kay sath kithe jaa raha hai?'

Santa gets angry and replies, 'Oye rakhail hogi teri, meri to Biwi hai!'

[dadudeonfire]

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, 'I know the whole truth'. The boy decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, 'I know the whole truth.'

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, 'Just don't tell your father.'

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, 'I know the whole truth.'

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, 'Please don't say a word to your mother.'

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, 'I know the whole truth.'

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, 'Then come give your FATHER a big hug.'

[dadudeonfire]

Santa and Jaspinder had been dating for about six months, but he had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally one night, Santa gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.

While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

'No thanks,' Jaspinder says. 'You know I don't smoke.'

[vipulG]

And Now Air India:

WELCOME TO AIR INDIA !


"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain
welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Air India flight 717 to Mumbai.

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bar.

Flight duration is 14 hours and we will be touching Mubai Airport by 7:30 PM local time, however landing there is not guaranteed, but sure we will end up somewhere in India . And, if luck is in your favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Air India has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!


It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our passengers have reached their destination.


If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!


To make your journey pleasant and memorable, it is our tradition to serve best veg/non veg dishes but as our kitchen staff is on strike we will serve you complimentary ice cold Wada Pav and Nimbu paani .

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Emirates Airline, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.


This is no smoking flight. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!


As our Navigation system is not functioning , we try to fly as close as possible to important landmarks, if however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!


Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off andfasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. If you are not wearing any belt use your neighbors. And, for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who
will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.

Our AirHostesses will help you but because of age (all of then are 65+) they may not hear your call and may not come to your seat (arthritis) , so please bear with us.

And lastly, we are out of toilet papers, so avoid using toilets as far possible.



ENJOY AIR INDIA

[revtech]

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

House is feminine "la maison,"
Pencil is masculine "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is a computer?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups male and female- and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.


The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender (la computer) because :


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because :

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



Rev

[VtecDeGr8]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple".

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man." We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said,"That's once".

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting; She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.


"And we lived happily ever after "

[VtecDeGr8]

Kid : Mom..who is god..?

Mom: God is neither male nor female
God is neither black nor white
God is neither a child nor an adult
God loves children

Kid: Oh..then it's Micheal Jackson..

[revtech]

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.
Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America."
Politely, President Bush answered, "If I can help explain things to you, please let me know."
The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese… but there aren't any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?".
President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future.


Rev

[VtecDeGr8]

Dad : Don't you want to marry a girl of my choice
Son : I want to choose my own bride.
Dad : But the girl is Ambani's daughter.
Son : Well, in that case......yes.


Next, the dad approaches Mukesh Ambani


Dad : I have a husband for your daughter.
Ambani : But my daughter is too young to marry.
Dad : But this young man is a Vice- President of the World Bank.
Ambani : Ah, in that case.....yes.


Finally, the dad goes to see the president of the World Bank.


Dad : I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President : But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Dad : But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law.
President : Ah, in that case.......yes.


Now, this is Concept Selling!

[ajmat]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[typeOnegative]

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLl

That was an awesome one ajmat. ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

[Neel]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[typeOnegative]

Neel, old one. But it brought the laughs all the same. LOL I like the second last para.