Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back at 'Show and Tell'

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom
to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

This is copy of my blog on another website, I thought I should share with all you guys too. Read on...

Chennai's traffic rules:
A few weeks ago, M.S.Dhoni was riding his super bikes in Chennai and has gone on records saying that Chennai traffic is bad. Poor Dhoni, He didn’t know the Traffic Rules, that are prevalent in Chennai City for decades and every Chennaite knows ‘em all and meticulously follow all the rules. Let me throw some light on the Chennai Driving Rules..

Let me start with the most basic form of transportation – the pedestrians.

Pedestrian Rules:

The Road Belongs to You.
Walk in the middle of the road, move to the side when the vehicle behind you blows horn.
Cross roads wherever you want to, preferably run rather than walk.
Wherever road dividers are built, a) break those, or b) jump over those to cross over to the other side.
On Zebra crossing, when the Signal is green for the vehicles, stand up to half of the road, allowing the other half for the vehicles to pass through.
When the signal turns red, run to the median and run to the other half.
Never miss the chance to cross during the signal change-over time. Time is Precious.

Two Wheeler Rules:

The Road Belongs to You.
Ride the bike at its maximum speed wherever you are.
Keep the helmet on the petrol tank, or hang it at the back or side. There are special fitting kits available in the market for this purpose. Never wear helmet on your head.
Always ride between other vehicles. Each lane is supposed to have one 4-wheeler, one 2-wheeler and 1 bicycle on roads and at the traffic signal junctions.
When the signal is red, squeeze through the gaps between cars and go to the front as far as possible. If required ride on the platforms to reach there.
If there is no divider, go through the other half of the road, reach the front traffic island area in front of everyone else.
If there is a divider, plan your path ahead, pass through the other side to reach the traffic island.
Fit the loudest horns on your bikes and keep them blaring when you cruise along the roads. Everyone should know that you are riding a bike.
At junctions, you have the right to turn where you want to, no matter in which lane you are. Just Turn. That’s the rule.
Do not fix rear view mirrors. If they come with the bike, do not see them. This might divert your attention from the music you are listening, which could be dangerous.
When you are entering from a side road to the main road, DO NOT see to your right for oncoming vehicles. Just enter, turn and go at the same speed.
When you are in the middle lane and want to turn left or right, just turn, with horns blowing full steam.
When the mobile phone rings, take it even if you are riding the bike. Answer the call, meantime, keep going. If the signal is red, just stop wherever you are and talk. It doesn’t matter even if you are on the first lane or on a bridge.
If you have a girl (doesn’t necessarily have to be pretty) sitting behind you, imagine you are on racetrack while driving.
Whenever there are no vehicles passing in the other direction, just cross, though your signal is red.. Don’t waste petrol in idling.

Three Wheeler Rules:

The Road Belongs to You.
Turn wherever you want to. At traffic signal, if you are on the left and you want to go right, just inch your nose through and block the vehicle to your right. When the signal turns green, pass him and turn right.
Do not fix rear view mirrors. If those are there, do not see them.
If you want to take passenger or drop a passenger, just stop and do so.
Also rules 3 – 12 of 2 wheelers are applicable.
Load your vehicle to the maximum capacity. Only way to save fuel for the nation. Move at 10 kmph on the fast lane. Everyone knows the proverb “The Herd Moves As Fast As The Slowest Buffalo”.

Four Wheeler Rules

The Road Belongs to You. (As you can see, this rule applies to everyone using the road, of course…)
Turn side view Mirrors Inwards.
Keep hand-bags, groceries packets, Bunny Rabbits, Cushion pillows at the back below the screen. Use the storage area effectively. That helps you not to see the rear view mirror. Seeing rear view mirror could be dangerous.
Always look only in your front and drive on. At traffic signal, whichever lane you are on, slowly inch your nose beyond the next vehicle’s nose and turn a bit to block him. This will help you to turn to the desired direction, stopping the other vehicle.
Even when the signal turns red, keep going, until the vehicles from the other direction start moving and blocking your way.
In case of traffic jam, use the opposite side road and block the traffic going the other way. How they can go free when we are struck in traffic jam?

Female Driving Rules:
(These are additional rules for 2/4 wheelers)

The Road Belongs only to You and there are no other vehicles on the road.
Do not turn your head left or right while driving. Your head must turn in unison with the Handle-bar in case of two-wheelers and with the steering wheel in case of a car.
Always have dark film affixed to your car windscreens and windows. Others must not see you and you don’t have to see outside anyway except in the front.
Keep your child standing in front of you in a scooter. As a safety measure, you may tie the child up with you using your Duppatta, (like a safety belt).
When you are going straight and missed a turn to the right or left, just stop, back up (reverse) and turn. Don’t worry the traffic will sincerely obey you.
Park wherever you want to, others know how to go around your car.
Adjust your make over at traffic signals. Do not move until you finish the touch ups.

Now, M.S.Dhoni obviously wasn’t aware of these rules that Chennai’s road users are strictly following. Of course, Chennai is one of the most educated cities in India and what else you expect other than strict compliance or Rules…!!!

My Dear Dhoni, before you kick your super bike next time in Chennai, please follow these rules, just as every educated individual in Chennai are following.

On the similar lines of the above post :D

Truck Drivers:

You usually don't get to see them directly because they sit somewhere at an altitude. You can however identify the cabin crew by a frantically waving hand on the non-driver side. This hand belongs to a crew-member called 'cleaner' and all scholastic efforts till date have failed to decipher the symbolic meaning of these waving. It is however Safe to assume that these waving mean 'stay away'. Fortunately the trucks are prohibited from the arterial roads. But you can see them racing each other at 30 kmph and 31 kmph on the ring road. They successfully block the whole width of the road. It is advised that you take them over from left (yes, the wrong side) for, they wont let you pass from the right side anyway. The other advice is to keep away from them.

BMTC Drivers:

You can see them from a mile away from the distinguishing color and driving. It can be very dangerous and frustrating to follow a BMTC bus. The bus follows Heisenberg's uncertainty principle and at any instance you can not predict the speed AND the position correctly. One observation that might help the reader is that they always keep right between bus stops and move to left (well, almost) at bus stops. This is the apt opportunity for you to take the bus over and go stuck behind the next one. The drivers can be seen although mostly through the bus's rear view mirror. If you happen to see them directly through their window, be prepared to listen to advice for having taken them over in a dangerous fashion. While a normal bus can easily create a road block on any given road, there are special capacity joint-buses (called janti vaahana) which have an uncanny power of blocking up to 3 roads at a time at a junction.

Cab Drivers:

Characterized by red eyes, irritable nature, unkempt facial hair, constant honking even at stationary object! They always try to go at 80 kmph, assume the urgency of an ambulance and expect everyone else has less important job. Most of them do not sleep for days together and some of them are trying to compete with David Blain for stretching human limits. The author personally knows few cab drivers who do not have a habitat. They just keep a pair of spare uniform in the cab, eat sleep in the cab and use public bathrooms. Driving style of these indicates that many of them were auto rickshaw driver earlier. However, they still seem to carry the self image of an auto rickshaw and try to squeeze a MUV into the 1 meter gap between any two objects.

Car Drivers:

Characterized by creased foreheads. Having paid through their noses and fighting to pay the EMI, they are obsessive about their cars and want to make sure nobody bumps/scratches their car body. This sits on the mind perpetually and causes those creases on foreheads. Most pitiable class of drivers having the most to lose from the mistakes of other classes of drivers.

Auto Rickshaw Drivers:

Having stood over years as undisputed symbol for rash driving, they are unfortunately losing grounds to cab drivers.
(Unfortunate because a rashly driven MUV is more dangerous than a rashly driven auto rickshaw). Auto rickshaws are the vehicles with most diverse speed ranges. They travel at speeds approaching zero when they have no passengers aboard and travel at speed of unto 3x108 m/s when a passenger is aboard. Analogous to the belief that "a cat can pass through any hole that is bigger than its skull" auto rickshaws can "pass through any gap that is wider than the headlight". They defy all laws of Physics. A typical auto driver sits with a calm and indifferent attitude of a formula-1 driver just before the race. Based on his age, he is a Rajkumar/Shankarnag/Darshan fan.
He feels strongly towards these actors and towards Karnataka and Kannada. In a surprising observation, many auto drivers refuse 1.5 times the meter reading after 10 PM if you are exiting from Ranga Shankara*. This is their humble way of commemorating their favorite star who made films like Auto-Raja.
* Ranga Shankara is a theater built in memory of late Shankar Nag and it is the place where all new dramas are staged first

Two Wheeler Riders:

The class in the most advantageous position. They consist of a variety of sub-populations like office goers, salesmen, mothers dropping children to school, college students, neighborhood store owner transporting about 1 ton weight on a moped, whole families of 4-5 children going on an outing etc. They usually mind their own business and do not cause inconvenience to other types of vehicles. They use all possible space on and around the road, including footpaths, medians, drainages, staircases etc and thus enhance infrastructure utilization .

I don't know if it has been posted before so posting here. Here's how you should tune your Audi :)

Quote:

Hey guys, I've got a 98 1.8T. I've had a k04 and chip for a while and wanted to get more performance. I was recommended to port and polish the intake and exhaust. We found out they used abrasive material to do it like gritty sand. So I got with my friend that tunes Hondas and we decided to try it ourselves. We got a bag of sandblasting sand and hooked up into the intake and started the car. We had to hold the gas so it would run. He wanted to let the engine suck in the sand through the intake so it would port it out and then push it out the ehxaust so it would port the exhaust manifold.
I was worried that it might cause problems but he figured it'd be OK as long as we didn't make boost and it get sucked in the turbo. After running the car and letting it suck in sand we got about half way through a 25 lb bag. The check engine light was on and the engine was bucking and kicking and sounding really weird. We stopped and hooked the car back up normal and took off the sand supply. We tried to start it again and it was really hard. Once started it couldn't idle and kept making weird noises. We took it out and drove it and it started to make scraping and knocking noises.
Help! Can anyone tell me what to do! My buddy only does Hondas so he doesn't know much about Audis.

This is real! Here's the thread:
Hey guys, please help with my mods gone wrong.....