Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

GIRLS, NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAYBE,

Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor, who's been six months at sea.
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.

First let's take the Paceman, pure speed from first to last.
My darlings do be careful, his B.A.L.L.S are hard and fast.

Then there's the Medium Pacer, his B.A.L.L.S swing either way.
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day.

Watch out for the Off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap.

Then there's the wiley Slowy, pure cunning is his strength,
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful---your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer ---- whoever he may be.

And what about the Opening bat, his struggles never cease,
He has just one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number Three is a Dasher, he seldom prods and pokes,
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes.

And do beware the Slogger, not content with one or two,
When he opens up for action, then only six will do.

Then there's the real Stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about,
and if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out.

We come now to the last man, be ready for a shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in -as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful-and be well warned by me,
Never trust a cricketer- whoever he may be.

And watch the Wicket Keeper, girls; he's full of flair and dash,
And if you raise your heels, he'll whip'em off in a flash.

If you take the field with the Captain, you had better know the score
or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before.

The cricket commentator- is a nosey sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire-may look friendly as a pup,
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up.

So, darlings please remember, repeat it after me,
!!!!NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER-WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!

1. Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

2. Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
[SIZE=2]Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Kovac's Conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

4. Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

5. O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Bell's Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Willoughby's Law: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

9. Zadra's Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Breda's Rule:At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

11. Owen's Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Howden's Law: You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

And the last and best :
13. Murphy's Law:What has to go wrong will go wrong

No offense meant to anyone.

[SIZE=2]
Subject: How Mallu Christians name their kids
(With sincere apologies to some of my close friends. I know in my heart you will not grudge me a good laugh?)
Subject: An educational and inspiring guide on how to name your kids as if you are a Mallu Christian.
Extra Statutory Warning : If you are a Mallu with the pride of Kerala in your loins, DO NOT read any further.
It has been a well kept secret for eons, shrouded in mystery and a maze of deceit, but finally Itty Boben Jacob Elias Kuruvilla from Pazhookaville, near Kottarothumailill, Thelmasherry, Kerala, has consented to let us publish this classified Mallu formula, never put in print before and only passed on from generation to generation by word of mouth to guarantee exclusivity, on the naming of Mallu Christian kids. Guidelines go as follows :
1. Select a combination of the mother's and father's names. eg: Suresh and Gina = Suji or Joseph and Beena = Jobi.
2. The addition of a 'mon' (meaning son) or 'mol' (meaning daughter) is optional. eg: Sujimol, Jobimon.
3. To attach a modern anglicised feel to the names, the mol or mon can be replaced with boy or girl. eg: Jobiboy, Sushagirl.
4. For the politically correct Keralite family, mol and mon can be replaced by the universal 'Kutty' (child), which can be used for both boys and girls eg: Jokutty, Susikutty.
5. Even parents having combination names themselves can still give their children suitable names eg: Libi and Jobi = Lijo.
6. However, in the scenario where the parents already have combination names that cannot form more comprehensible names eg: Itty and Amukutty, would produce only Itam (which doesn't even sound like a name) or Amit (which is too Northie sounding and stuff!!), then
a) Use an English word like Baby, Merry, Titty, Pearly, Brighty, Smiley, Anarchy, etc.
b) Use a combination of two English names that you think sound cool (but never cool enough) like Meredith + Gina = Megi, or Sharon + Darlene = Sharlene.
c) Use a name from the Bible (and not Nebuchadnezzar! Use one that even Velliammachi can pronounce) like Jacob, Sam, John, Joseph, Mathew, or Jijo!
d) Use a name that sounds like a cuss word but isn't. eg: Boben, Prussy, Shagi, JustinTimberlake etc.
Note: The use of the letter 'j' is useful in the naming of siblings where names that sound alike are a novelty. Eg: Ajji, Sajji, Majji, Bhajji and Nimajji, or Sijo, Lijo, Jijo, Anjo, Panjo, Banjo.
Not too complicated really, once you get the hang of it?
An afterthought:
Q: What do you call a Mallu kid who sticks his nose into other people's business?
A: Pokemon
[/SIZE]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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Back Seat Driver A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's theproblem officer?"Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."Man: "No sir, I was going 65."Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirtylook.)Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight."Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (Theman gives his wife another dirty look.)Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing yourseatbelt."Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husbandtalk to you this way all the time?"The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

1) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!

BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

2) Girl : Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?

Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"

Girl : That ' s good, Give me 12 of them..!

3) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you..! "

Applicant: What is it?

Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"

4) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..

Drive Slowly, Don ' t kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us

5) Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.

6) Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

7) Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?