Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

"U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry
becomes ur wife or husband
And the one u loved
becomes the password of ur mail id"
---------------
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.
---------------
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
---------------
Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is the liver & wife the
kidney.
If the liver fails, the kidney fails. If the kidney fails, the liver
manages with other kidney.
---------------
Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne
denge.
---------------
What's the diff between Dava & Daru?
Dava is like a girlfriend, that comes with an expiry date and
Daru is like a wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
---------------
Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or
wife Be-Gum ho jaati hai.
---------------
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed
it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

This is a real story that happened between the customer of General Motors and its Customer-Care Executive. A complaint was received by the Pontiac
Division of General Motors:

"This is the second time I have written to you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it Is a fact that we have a tradition in our family we have Ice-Cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole

family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down
to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new

Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem.

You see, every time I buy a vanilla ice-cream, when I start back from
the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the
car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this
question, no matter how silly it sounds"

"What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get
vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?"

The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but
sent an Engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be
greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine
neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinnertime, so
the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was
vanilla icecream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to
the car, it wouldn't start.

The Engineer returned for three more nights.

The first night, they got chocolate. The car started. The second night,
he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla.
The car failed to start. Now the Engineer, being a logical man, refused
to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He
arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to

solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted
down all sorts of data: time of day, type of gas uses, time to drive
back and forth etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla
than any other flavor.

Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most
popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for
quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store
at a different counter where it took considerably longer to check out
the flavor.

Now, the question for the Engineer was why the car wouldn't start when
it took less time. Eureka - Time was now the problem - not the vanilla
ice cream!

The engineer quickly came up with the answer: "vapour lock". It was
happening every night; but the extra time taken to get the other flavors
allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got
vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapour lock to dissipate.

Hmmmmmm

Even crazy looking problems are sometimes real and all problems seem to
be simple only when we find the solution with cool thinking.

Got this one as mail and sorry for reposting.

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning,and welcome to Wal-Mart.Nice children you have there.
Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they
ain't twins.' 'The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, or just stupid?'

I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter.
'I just couldn't believe someone had $*x with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

Got this in an email. Enjoy
----------------------
When I told my mom that I wanted a professional woman as my wife, she got me one; a Chartered Accountant.

She uses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food. She thinks I am no good at figure work. Fine with me, for now she handles the budget of the house.

Initially she used to send me a bill at the month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband, she asks for the money in advance. The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the papers maintained in a current file.

No wonder! She was charging conveyance and overtime to the house budget.

She is crazy, I tell her but she corrects me. "No my darling, I am the auditor." I fail to see the light.

Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed.

She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying it.

I am worried.

The other day we had an hour-long fight. Later, I got to know that she had charged that hour to a client of hers, in the time sheet. My time was put down as unoccupied.

She says that she loves me and I tell her that I love her too. However, she never believes me. She says that there is susceptibility of it being a misstatement. Duh! She wants my representation on this & Expert opinion of some Expert!

Not a long time back my brother's wedding was to be solemnized. Wedding cards had been sent. After some time I started receiving a steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife explained that external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent.

When she cooks, my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar, one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material when taken in context of whole meal being prepared.

She is crazy, I tell you. Surprisingly everybody calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and it did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy. The dictionary must be outdated. When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I Had said how cute-how sweet.Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent anew if there is any indication that I have misunderstood the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!

Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she says I can't get rid off her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appoint some one else. It seems I must keep reading one local and another English newspaper published and circulated in the vicinity of our house for more details.

Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our going concern status. Duh! Dare I say so?? I am told by one of my female colleagues who is married to a CA that the scenario is even worse when the guy is a CA.

Apparently he capitalised the wedding expenses as preliminary expenses and is writing it off every year.

Also the time he spent dating his wife before marrying her is still under consideration for valuation under AS-26...valuation of intangible assets.

So guys please think twice....should u really marry a CA? And yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!