Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and
everybody complimented him on how athletic and well
preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife
and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding
night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the
one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.
Gentlemen, I have been in the open air day after day for
some 75 years now."
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum,
a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
I love cooking and I'm good at it. It's the cleaning
up after that bugs me. That's why I have the best
dish washer in the world. You know... 6 feet tall,
Two women were discussing marriage, and one
said, "We've been married ten years, and every
night my husband has complained about dinner.
Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it
The first one said, "Not in the slightest."
Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"
To which, the first woman replied, "Why should I
object? A lot of people don't like their own cooking."
"Harry The Complainer"
Harry the Complainer and his wife happened to
pass away on the same day and as they await
their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,
they're approached by an angel.
"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome
to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering
through our famous Pearly Gates for the most
fantastic adventure you've ever experienced. You'll
have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere
in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our
luxury hotel with all the amenities -- pool, Jacuzzi,
indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day
of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants
savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man."
At this point, Harry gives his wife a shove in the ribs
with his elbow. "If it wasn't for you and that stupid
oat bran, we'd have been here ten years ago!"
Oh and if any one is wondering. Yes, i am cleaning out my inbox.
Last edited by lamborghini : 20th August 2006 at 23:40.
> Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and
>They start arguing about who's right.
> You are in Kolkata
> Scenario 2
> Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and
> That's Mumbai
> Scenario 3
> Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make
>peace.The first two get together & beat him up.
> That's Delhi
> Scenario 4
> Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along
>quietly opens a chai-stall
> That's Ahmedabad.
> Scenario 5
> Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software
>Program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in
> That's Bangalore
> Scenario 6
> Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along
>quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in.
> That's Chennai.
> Scenario 7
> Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer.
>All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home
> You are in Goa
> Scenario 8
> Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their
>Friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.
> You are DEFINITELY IN Punjab !!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the
examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do theylook different reversed?)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much
worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law,
it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for
a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes
close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big
enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not
as great as Guam!)
Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven
Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to
asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and
Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here." The
Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl
it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the
replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and
"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked,
replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese
replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition
organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months Iím going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark
OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.[
Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "Youíd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
'Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"
A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnít meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission..
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnít let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldnít complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnít take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now Iím still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians Iím supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming Iím trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really donít think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean youíre not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something Man invented himselfóGOVERNMENT!"