[sammyboy]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."

[sammyboy]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

[sammyboy]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."

[jkdas]

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
Results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
Beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
Period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[2L8uLoose]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.”
The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?”
And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!”

[iraghava]

Proverbs From the First Grade...

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:

1. Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
4. Never underestimate the power of... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
7. No news is... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust... me.
12. The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
13. An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
14. Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is... not much.
17. Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
18. None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
19. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
20. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
21. You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
22. When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
23. There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

[karthik247]

One day while walking down the street a highly successful
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're
going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to
stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out
onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had
worked with and they were well dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and
lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the
Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came
and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again
she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found
herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman,
"yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and
had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

[2L8uLoose]

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Put it in my box before you leave.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!

5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? and number 1 (drum roll, please).

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

[jkdas]

Why geeks like computers: unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes,fsck,fsck,fsck,umount, sleep.

[iraghava]

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

- Will Rogers

"Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius--and a lot of courage--to move in the opposite direction.

-Albert Einstein

"In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead."

- Ben Franklin

"Anatomy (n): something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl."

- Bruce Raeburn

"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them." - Jane Austen

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"Why don't you write books people can read?"

- Nora Joyce, to her husband, James

"Few things are harder to put up with than a good example."

- Mark Twain

"Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.

- Richard Feynman

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."

- Mae West

[iraghava]

Don't know if these are true but they sure are funny!!!

[manson]

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a
young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her
condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved
again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing.... ........ ....She had him arrested.


When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he
acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an
advertisement,

which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.


I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a
shaving advertisement,

which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.


Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she
sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident.'




The case was dismissed... .....!!!

manson.

[manson]

http://www.infeedia.com/story.php?ti...ein-song_46682

got this in my mailbox today.

manson.

[2L8uLoose]

@MA(n)SON.. dude that clip was HOWLARIOUS....

[1self]

Bill Gates vs. GM

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?



Don't take life too seriously, Nobody makes it out alive anyway
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.


Ford spelled backwards : Driver Returns On Foot

Honda Acronym

H igh
O n
N arcotics
D uring
A ssembly


Some FUN Things To Do While Driving!!

Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

Let pedestrians know who's boss.

Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

if MICROSOFT built Cars, The Following Would Result:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.