| || ||Thread Tools||Search this Thread|
|8th July 2006, 10:05||#1336|
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Trivandrum, Ker
Thanked: 112 Times
|8th July 2006, 12:10||#1337|
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."
NEW DOG BREEDS.
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Last edited by 2L8uLoose : 8th July 2006 at 12:16.
|8th July 2006, 12:24||#1338|
You might be an Engineer if....
You and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
All your sentences begin with "what if".
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
Dilbert is your hero.
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.
People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
You are always late to meetings.
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.
You are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
You are still drinking Mr. Pibb.
You are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.
You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
You bought your wife's valentine gift at orchard supply.
You can name at least six Star Trek episodes.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You can understand anything Al Gore says.
You can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket.
You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You carry a list for everything except the groceries.
You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel You disdain people who use low baud rates.
You do Darth Vader or Battlestar Gallactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.
You drive a gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.
You ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project You ever forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
You find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
You have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Piccard.
You have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what RPN stands for.
You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
You have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
You have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have seen most of the shows already.
You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You have never backed up your hard drive.
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
You introduce your wife/husband as firstname.lastname@example.org/husband.
You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
You know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
You know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.
You know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
You know what http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys You need a checklist to turn on the TV.
You order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home banking software.
You own "Official Star Trek" anything.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.
You remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo".
You rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spend more time on your home computer than in your car.
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.
You talk about trellis code modulation at parties.
You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
You think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You think your computer looks better without the cover.
You thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
You walk around with your hands in your two front pockets 99% of the time.
You want an 24X CD ROM for Christmas.
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
You window shop at Radio Shack.
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite You've already calculated how much you make per second.
You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate.
Your checkbook always balances.
Your dress clothes come from Sears.
Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
Your favorite actor is R2D2.
Your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor".
Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.
Your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.
Your favorite television show is New Yankee Workshop.
Your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.
Your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.
Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest.
sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies Your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.
Your IQ is a higher number than your weight.
Your kids refer to you as The Man Who Sleeps with Mommy.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner.
Your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
Your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
Your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre.
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 450Mhz Pentium.
Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
Last edited by 2L8uLoose : 8th July 2006 at 12:26.
|8th July 2006, 16:19||#1339|
Distinguished - BHPian
Love this .. Long Live Engineers.
LAWYERS Vs INSURANCE
This is one Good lawyer story ...
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and won!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Last edited by condor : 8th July 2006 at 16:32.
|12th July 2006, 12:36||#1340|
Join Date: Jan 2005
Thanked: 16,182 Times
At last the much awaited answer is out.
Do u know what made Zidane Headbutt Matterazzi ??????? ( The answer came to picture when a Brazilian news team lip synced on what matterazzi said )
Its because, Matterazzi asked Zidane (while playing)
HUM CHLORMINT KYUN KHATE HAIN?????????????
[that was a Headbutt]
Dobara Mat Puchna
|13th July 2006, 13:26||#1341|
Distinguished - BHPian
Too much time on my hands ..
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
Re-arranging the letters :
DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE
And for the grand finale:
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE
Yes, some one's got waaaay too much time on his hands
"Well, Im a jet fuel genius - I can solve the worlds problems
Without even trying
I have dozens of friends and the fun never ends
That is, as long as Im buying
Is it any wonder Im not the president
(hes not the president)
Is it any wonder Im null and void?
Too much time on my hands, its ticking away at my sanity... "
Last edited by condor : 13th July 2006 at 13:28.
|13th July 2006, 18:11||#1342|
When Doctor's say....
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this a lot.)
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a 40% interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.
"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit through their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
I can't remember your name, nor why you are here.
"This should fix you up."
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
"Everything seems to be normal."
I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
"Why don't you slip out of your things."
I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
Last edited by 2L8uLoose : 13th July 2006 at 18:13.
|13th July 2006, 18:14||#1343|
Windows 98 Error Codes
Recently the following undocumented Windows 98 error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet:
Windows loaded - System in danger
No Error - Yet
Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
Multitasking attempted - System confused
Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
Broken window - Watch out for glass fragment
Horrible bug encountered - God only knows what has happened[/FONT]
Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB
Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
Window closed - Do not look outside
Window open - Do not look inside
Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
Unexpected error - Huh ?
Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore.
User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not
Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software... Yet again.
Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS session. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again
Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 bytes available.
Competing Product - Remove all competing products and install Microsoft equivalents.
Personal Data Communicate Difficulties - Could not transmit social insurance number and or tax details back to Microsoft headquarters for further analysis.WinErr: 960
Minimal Effort - User has only reinstalled Internet Explorer four tires while trying to get it operational, please reinstall again.
You have not downloaded your daily Y2K and security glitch patch.
Last edited by 2L8uLoose : 13th July 2006 at 18:20.
|14th July 2006, 06:44||#1347|
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Chicago / Namma Bengaluru
Thanked: 2 Times
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Last edited by anarchist : 14th July 2006 at 06:45.
|14th July 2006, 18:30||#1348|
Join Date: Sep 2005
Thanked: 27 Times
What is Marketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
|15th July 2006, 05:07||#1350|
Senior - BHPian
Join Date: Nov 2004
Thanked: 35 Times
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
|Thread Tools||Search this Thread|
|Thread||Thread Starter||Forum||Replies||Last Post|
|Time for a Holiday Joke?||Steeroid||Shifting gears||9||24th December 2005 20:51|
|A Nelson joke||Dippy||Shifting gears||6||8th September 2004 23:12|