Team-BHP > Shifting gears > Et Cetera

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Old 4th May 2007, 10:53   #1921
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Originally Posted by vid6639 View Post
the goair hoarding on the top looks like a PS job.
It indeed is a PS job. See no lights around the hoarding!
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Old 5th May 2007, 13:46   #1922
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A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog,
"I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second coffin? "

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."
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Old 5th May 2007, 20:59   #1923
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Dad : you want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : I want to choose my own bride.
Dad : But the girl is Ambani's daughter.
Son : Well, in that case......yes.

Next, the dad approaches Mukesh Ambani

Dad : I have a husband for your daughter.
Ambani : But my daughter is too young to marry.
Dad : But this young man is a Vice- President of the World Bank.
Ambani : Ah, in that case.....yes.

Finally, the dad goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Dad : I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President : But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Dad : But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law.
President : Ah, in that case.......yes.

Now, this is Concept Selling!
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Old 5th May 2007, 21:27   #1924
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Wonderful definitions of designations at office.

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby
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Old 7th May 2007, 12:26   #1925
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Schedule for the Cricket World Cup 2011

1)Opening Ceremony

2)Photo Session with all cptains


3)Presenting the trophy to Australia.
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Old 7th May 2007, 13:34   #1926
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To be presented by all the captains. Player of the series to be decided by lots.

I hope australia send their playing 11 & not the veterans or their politicians.
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Old 7th May 2007, 19:38   #1927
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a really $3xy teacher walks in to class one day with a rose in the cleavage of her blouse and asks her students "What do roses drink?"

A student replies - They drink milk.... for which she says - "wrong. they drink water.... what an imigination!"

one smart alec immediately remarks "oh... i didn't know the stem was so long"....

mods, pls delete if this qualifies as obscene... and accept my apologies.

Last edited by n_aditya : 7th May 2007 at 19:39.
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Old 8th May 2007, 17:01   #1928
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I was happy, my girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me as well. And my girlfriend well she was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two years of age, wore very tight mini skirts and very low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm

going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and

threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Old 8th May 2007, 17:03   #1929
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General Musharaf, President of Pakistan was awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Jannab(sir), its the Minister of Health here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Rawalpindi has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Pakistani supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!" "We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad..."
" Afghanistan?..."
"No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"
"What about India?"
"Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. Call the Indian Prime Minister, Vajpayee- tell him we need one million condoms; coloured gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big the Pakis really are!!"
Miyan Musharaf called Vajpayee, who agreed to help the Pakis out in their hour of need. Three days later a flight arrived in Islamabad - full of boxes. A delighted Gen. Musharaf rushed out to open the boxes. He found condoms;10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured green and gold. He then noticed in small writing on each and every one, MADE IN INDIA SIZE : SMALL

Last edited by aah78 : 18th May 2007 at 19:51. Reason: removing HTML tags
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Old 8th May 2007, 19:22   #1930
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Default Lateral Thinking!

This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking .
Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.

Think like a wizard . . .

1. ------------

Ans. = man overboard

Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.

2. ------------

Ans. = I understand

OK . . .

Got the drift ?

Let's try a few now and see
how you fare ?

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/ g/

Ans. = reading between the lines


4. r

Ans. = cross road

Not having a good day now, are you ?

Redeem yourself.

5. cycle

Ans. = tricycle

Not easy to figure out ha!

6. ------------

Ans. = two degrees below zero

C'mon give it a little thought ! !

7. ------------

Ans. = neon light

( knee - on - light )

U can prove u r smart by getting this one.

8. ------------ ---
feet feet feet feet feet feet

Ans. = six feet underground

Oh no, not again ! !

9. he's X himself

Ans. = he's by himself

Now u messing up big time.

10. ecnalg

Ans. = backward glance

Not even close ! !

11. death ..... life

Ans. = life after death

Okay last chance ............ ......



Ans. = think big ! !

And the last one is real fundoo - - -

13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbb ababaabbaaabbbb. ..

Ans. = long time no 'C'

( see )

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Old 9th May 2007, 17:19   #1931
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Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?"

To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."

Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?"

Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."

Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."

Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.

Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."

Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.

Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"

Susie waved the license in the air, and replied:
"It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"
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Old 9th May 2007, 23:01   #1932
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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
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Old 10th May 2007, 16:15   #1933
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Wife Broke up with me

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

Cop says -- "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says,
"Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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Old 10th May 2007, 19:01   #1934
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Default Recruitment for Dummies

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping. Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management…
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Old 13th May 2007, 16:41   #1935
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Some of this may have been posted before, but what the hell:

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%

It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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