The Official Joke thread

elf · 9th February 2007, 00:42

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lincoln Football Field. Each time there's an Eagles football game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds. So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little willy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady,
"Some guys think I'm bluffing."

theMAG · 9th February 2007, 14:06

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."

theMAG · 9th February 2007, 14:21

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How can we achieve 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these

Questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULL**** and ASSKISSING that will put you over the top

black12rr · 9th February 2007, 17:48

elf · 9th February 2007, 18:20

Siiiiigghhh! Where can one get that remote, black12rr? I gotta million friends who'd pay heavily for one.

Samurai · 9th February 2007, 18:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by elf

Siiiiigghhh! Where can one get that remote, black12rr? I gotta million friends who'd pay heavily for one.

The remote can be easily arranged I guess, since you have friends who are naive enough to believe it and even pay for it.

elf · 9th February 2007, 18:34

Pssst! Samurai (stage whisper)! What say we go 50-50 on this, eh?

nosfreak · 9th February 2007, 20:10

Heights of Rare Breeds : Mary had a Little Lamb.

elf · 9th February 2007, 20:15

Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor died of shock.

-----------------------------

Mary had a little lamb.
In a honey glaze.
And some parsley, Grey Poupon mustard,
juliennes of carrots & garlic,
and washed it down with wine.
She then complimented the chef.

elf · 11th February 2007, 13:42

Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially and reality"?

Dad: I will show you, Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you Sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?
Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!

Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter: Wow! Yes! This is my fantasy!

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?
Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "reality" we are living with 2 hookers and a fag.

Revvhead · 11th February 2007, 17:49

Mary had a little lamb,
It had a touch of colic,
Se gave it brandy twice a day
and now its Alcoholic!

swale84 · 11th February 2007, 22:00

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now she carries it to school everyday
Between two slices of bread.

suman · 12th February 2007, 13:21

Mary had a liitle sheep
With the sheep she went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
NOW, Mary has a little lamb

iraghava · 12th February 2007, 16:11

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

suman · 15th February 2007, 13:27

Exclusively only to great Malaysian and Singaporean Chinese....

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,8,9 and 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again back to 1.

This was what he came up with...

1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw
me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I
run so fast until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab
some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So,
I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my
boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so
nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .

9th February 2007, 00:42	#1741
elf BANNED Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,035 Thanked: 16 Times View My Garage	Nawwwww... you wouldn't... A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lincoln Football Field. Each time there's an Eagles football game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds. So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little willy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "Some guys think I'm bluffing."

9th February 2007, 14:06	#1742
theMAG Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: May 2006 Location: Avon, CT Posts: 7,196 Thanked: 1,821 Times View My Garage	Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house." Last edited by theMAG : 9th February 2007 at 14:08.

11th February 2007, 13:42	#1750
elf BANNED Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,035 Thanked: 16 Times View My Garage	Ohhh, the potential of it all... Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially and reality"? Dad: I will show you, Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you Sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars? Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity! Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars? Daughter: Wow! Yes! This is my fantasy! So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars? Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate! So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "reality" we are living with 2 hookers and a fag. Last edited by elf : 11th February 2007 at 13:44.

12th February 2007, 16:11	#1754
iraghava Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Bhaiyyaland Posts: 7,997 Thanked: 281 Times View My Garage	Valentine's Vernacular: A Dating Dictionary... DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man. EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does. SOBER A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

15th February 2007, 13:27	#1755
suman Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Kolkata Posts: 4,586 Thanked: 281 Times View My Garage	Chinese English - no offense meant! Exclusively only to great Malaysian and Singaporean Chinese.... Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,8,9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again back to 1. This was what he came up with... 1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run so fast until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 . Last edited by suman : 15th February 2007 at 13:30.

9th February 2007, 14:21	#1743
theMAG Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: May 2006 Location: Avon, CT Posts: 7,196 Thanked: 1,821 Times View My Garage	From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How can we achieve 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these Questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far * kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULL** and ASSKISSING that will put you over the top

9th February 2007, 17:48	#1744
black12rr Senior - BHPian Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Ridin earth now Posts: 1,280 Thanked: 349 Times

9th February 2007, 18:20	#1745
elf BANNED Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,035 Thanked: 16 Times View My Garage	Siiiiigghhh! Where can one get that remote, black12rr? I gotta million friends who'd pay heavily for one.

9th February 2007, 18:34	#1747
elf BANNED Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,035 Thanked: 16 Times View My Garage	Pssst! Samurai (stage whisper)! What say we go 50-50 on this, eh?

9th February 2007, 20:10	#1748
nosfreak BHPian Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Hyd Posts: 265 Thanked: 28 Times View My Garage	Heights of Rare Breeds : Mary had a Little Lamb.

9th February 2007, 20:15	#1749
elf BANNED Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,035 Thanked: 16 Times View My Garage	Mary had a little lamb. The doctor died of shock. ----------------------------- Mary had a little lamb. In a honey glaze. And some parsley, Grey Poupon mustard, juliennes of carrots & garlic, and washed it down with wine. She then complimented the chef.

11th February 2007, 17:49	#1751
Revvhead BHPian Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Bombay Posts: 447 Thanked: 21 Times View My Garage	Mary had a little lamb, It had a touch of colic, Se gave it brandy twice a day and now its Alcoholic!

11th February 2007, 22:00	#1752
swale84 BHPian Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Pune Posts: 457 Thanked: 9 Times	Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead Now she carries it to school everyday Between two slices of bread.

12th February 2007, 13:21	#1753
suman Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Kolkata Posts: 4,586 Thanked: 281 Times View My Garage	Mary had a liitle sheep With the sheep she went to sleep The sheep turned out to be a ram NOW, Mary has a little lamb