[paharino1]

I clicked this at Congaree National Park ,South Carolina, US recently....wouldnt be a bad idea for it to be present in every home in india

[MC Mayank]

knock knock

who is there?

misbah

misbah who?

missed bah 5 runs....

[msdivy]

The only things certain in life are death and ____ ?

1) Q: What do you do?
A: Business
So you pay: Professional tax

2) Q: What kind of business do you do?
A: Selling goods
So you pay: Sales tax

3) Q: From where do you get the goods?
A: From other state and countries
So you pay: Central sales tax, customs duty and octroi

4) Q: What do you get by selling goods?
A: Profit
So you pay: Income tax

5) Q: Where do you manufacture the goods?
A: At a factory
So you pay: Excise duty

6) Q: Do you have an office/ warehouse/ factory?
A: Yes
So you pay: Municipal and fire tax

7) Q: Do you have a staff?
A: Yes
So you pay: Staff professional tax

8) Q: Do you do business in the millions?
A: Yes
So you pay: Turnover tax

9) Q: Do you take out over Rs 25,000 in cash from your bank?
A: Yes, to pay salaries
So you pay: Cash handling tax

10) Q: Where are you taking your client out for lunch and dinner?
A: Restaurant
So you pay: Food and entertainment tax

11) Q: Are you going out of station for business?
A: Yes
So you pay: Fringe benefit tax

12) Q: Have you taken or given any service/s?
A: Yes
So you pay: Service tax

13) Q: How did you receive such a big amount?
A: It was a birthday gift
So you pay: Gift tax

14) Q: Do you have any wealth?
A: Yes
So you pay: Wealth tax

15) Q: Where do you go to reduce stress, for recreation and entertainment?
A: A spa, cinema or resort
So you pay: Entertainment tax

16) Q: Have you purchased a house?
A: Yes
So you pay: Stamp duty and registration fee

17) Q: How do you travel?
A: By bus
So you pay: Surcharge

18) Q: Any additional tax?
A: Yes
So you pay: Educational, additional educational and surcharge on all the central government’s taxes

19) Q: Have you ever delayed any time in paying any tax?
A: Yes
So you pay: Interest and penalty

[theMAG]

Jessica Simpson's Answer:
* Why would he be on a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

Homer Simpson's Answer:
* There was free beer on the other side of the road.

Snoop Dogg's Answer:
* This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know
what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'.

Shakespeare's Answer:
* To cross or not to cross, that is the question.

Darwin's Answer:
* Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
* I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Fox Mulder's Answer:
* You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Scully's Answer:
* It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

* Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken?

Sigmund Freud's Answer:
* The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Colonel Sanders' Answer:
* I missed one?

[Mr.Bangalore]

In the post-match presentation, Ravi Shastri to Dhoni "Congratulations to you and the whole Indian team for winning this world cup. You guys have produced a great nail baiting show.. and deserves the cup. We welcome you to share the joy with us."

Dhoni "Thanks Ravi, the match was pretty close encounter between two great teams and our guys held the nerve to win the game and cup."
Shastri, "Who was the main reason for this thrilling victory?"
Dhoni, "All us played well but I would say the main reason and man behind this great victory is Ajit Agarkar"
Shocked Shastri..., "Agarkar ? ? .. how come Agarkar... he didn't played in the final"..

Dhoni, "Yeaph.. that's the reason we won this low scoring match.. if he could have bowled in final, Pakistan would have scored the winning runs from his 4 overs...."

Shastri, "ok.. fine, To whom you want to thank for winning this final..."
Dhoni, "The team doctor deserves the credit... he really helped us to prepare for the final..."

Shastri, "Is it? ?.... how the doctor helped to prepare for the final...
He is not the coach or physical trainer...Dhoni.. I am getting confusion"
Dhoni, "Ravi... nothing to confuse... he has failed Sehwag in the fitness test according to our game plan and we managed to pick a good playing team.. Thus we weigh the doctor's contribution as very high...
Infact its better than our team effort in the field.. our game tactic worked well"

Shastri, "To whom you want to dedicate this World Cup?"
Dhoni, "The entire team including myself wants to dedicate this cup to Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly..."

Shastri, "I really really appreciate you... its good that you have so much respect to the seniors....and you ...." Dhoni interrupts....
"Ravi.. let me complete... India would have exited in the Group matches if they decided to play in the series... thank god they opted out and we managed to play cricket and won the cup.."

Shastri, "The match was thrilling encounter and was concluded by a single mistake of Misbah.. Isn't it? "

Dhoni, "Yes you are right, after lofting the ball Bisbah told me that he has send the ball to where there was no one....but he didn't know that there is a malayali in every corner of the world.... This single mistake has coasted the game and won the cup..."

Shastri faints and Dhoni receives the CUP and thats the end of the great Twenty-20 world cup...

[n_aditya]

Couple of mallu jokes. No offence to any malyalee.

Q. Why are Malyalee's banned from playing soccer?
A. Because whenever they get a corner, they open a tea stall.

Q: Kerala has 97% literacy. How was this achieved?
A: Thats because all the illiterates are outside Kerala.

Q: How did the Malyalee contract AIDS?
A: He drank horlicks (pronounce in mallu accent)

A sardar joke : No offence to the community.

An englishman, chinese and a sardar are colleagues working in the topmost floor of the WTC.

All 3 of them meet regularly for lunch everyday.

One day the englishman is terribly upset and says "My wife always sends me ham and eggs and I'm tired of eating it. If she sends the same thing tomorrow, I'm gonna jump out of this window and kill myself".

The chinese also joins in "My wife sends me noodles everyday. Tomorrow I'll also commit suicide if there is no change in the food"

The sardar says "Roti and sabji again. I'll also jump if its the same tomorrow"

The next day, they meet for lunch again. The englishman has ham and eggs in his lunchpack, gets angry, jumps out of the window and smashes to the ground dead. The chinese opens his lunch and seeing noodles, jumps out of the window. The sardar follows the chinese upon seeing his usual roti sabji.

After some time the wives of the 3 men happen to meet and discuss their grief.

The englishman's wife says - If he told me he was tired of ham n egss, I would've cooked somethin else for him. The chinese woman also says the same. The sardarni says - I dont understand. He cooked the food himself. Why did he jump out of the window then?

[Eddy]

These are outstanding!!

Here Are The 15 Rules Or Laws That Delhi Lives By

1. The Other Side Law:

If my side of the road has a traffic jam, then I can start driving on
the wrong side of the road, and all incoming cars will be rerouted via
Meerut.

2. The Queue Nahin Rule:

If there is a queue of many people, no one will notice me sneaking into
the front as long as I am looking the other way.

3. The Mind Over Matter Law:

If a red light is not working, four cars from different directions can
easily pass through one another.

4. The Auto Axiom:

If I indicate which way I am going to turn my auto rickshaw, it is an
information security leak.

5. The In Spit Of Thing:

The more I lean out of my car or bus, and the harder I spit, the
stronger the roads become.

6. The Cinema Hall Fact:

If I get a call on my mobile phone, the film automatically goes into
pause mode.

7. The Brotherhood Law:

If I want to win an argument, I need only to repeatedly suggest that the
other person has illicit relations with his sister.

8. The Baraat Right:

When I'm on the road to marriage, all the roads in the city belong to
me.

9. The Heart Of Things:

If I open enough buttons on my shirt, the pretty girl at the bus stop
can see through my hairy chest into the depths of my soul.

10. The Name Game:

It is very important for the driver behind me to memorise the nicknames
of my children.

11. Parking Up The Wrong Tree:

When I double-park my car, the road automatically widens so that the
traffic is not affected.

12. The Chill Bill Move:

When I park and block someone else's car I am giving him a chance to
pause, relax, chill and take a few moments off from his rushed day.

13. The Brrrrp Break:

The louder I burp in a public place; the more it helps other people
digest their food.

14. The Bus Karo Law:

If I stop my bus at the correct place near the bus stop, the city will
explode and blow into 6 million pieces.

15. The VIP Rule:

There are only 7 important persons in this city-Me, I, Myself, Main,
Mainu, Aami and Moi !


Applicable to any other city ?

[benbsb29]

I quite liked this one. Enjoy !!
--------------------------------------------------------------------

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 25 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

[benbsb29]

Self-explanatory.

[v1p3r]

Understeer: Why it occurs and how to deal with it

Low traction conditions
If you've entered a corner at speed and notice a sudden reduction in traction due to oil, black ice or a banana skin, the best course of action (in the immortal words of Douglas Adams) is to consider how lucky you are that life has been kind to you so far.

If life hasn't been kind to you, consider how lucky you are that it won't be bothering you much longer.

[thefreak]

Husband to Wife... An application form..

[FONT=Arial]APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS [/FONT]

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Time of return
Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:
Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer (...) Wine (...) Liquor (...) Total (...)
Locations to be visited .................................................. ...........
Females with whom conversation is permitted ...........................................
IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not withstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
Request is: APPROVED DENIED
This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:
Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

Location: From: To:
Location: From: To:
Location: From: To:

[thefreak]

The Lord surveyed the Ram Setu and said "Hanuman, how diligently and strenuously you and your vanara sena had built this bridge several centuries back. It is remarkable that it has withstood the ravages of the climatic and geographical changes over centuries. It is indeed an amazing feat especially considering the fact that a bridge at Hyderabad built by Gammon using latest technology collapsed the other day even before they could stick the posters on its pillars."

Hanuman with all humility spoke "Jai Sri Ram, it is all because of your grace. We just scribbled your name on the bricks and threw them in the sea and they held. No steel from TISCO or cement from Ambuja or ACC was ever used. But Lord, why rake up the old issue now."

Ram spoke "Well, Hanuman some people down there want to demolish the bridge and construct a canal. The contract involves lot of money and lot of money will be made. They will make money on demolition and make more money on construction. "

Hanuman humbly bowed down and said "Why not we go down and present our case"

Ram said "Times have changed since we were down there. They will ask us to submit age proof and we don't have either a birth certificate or school leaving certificate. We traveled mainly on foot and some times in bullock carts and so we don't have a driving license either. As far as the address proof is concerned the fact that I was born at Ayodhya is itself under litigation for over half a century, If I go in a traditional attire with bow and arrow, the ordinary folks may recognize me but Arjun Singh may take me to be some tribal and, at the most, offer a seat at IIT under the reserved category. Also, a God cannot walk in dressed in a three-piece suit and announce his arrival. It would make even the devotees suspicious. So it is dilemma so to say."

"I can vouch for you by saying that I personally built the bridge."

"My dear, Anjani putra, it will not work. They will ask you to produce the lay-out plan, the project details, including financial outlay and how the project cost was met and the completion certificate. Nothing is accepted without documentary evidence in India . You may cough but unless a doctor certifies it, you have no cough. A pensioner may present himself personally but the authorities do not take it as proof. He has to produce a life-certificate to prove that he is alive. It is that complicated."

"Lord can't understand these historians. Over the years you have given darshan once every hundred years to saints like Surdas, Tulsidas, Saint Thyagaraja, Jayadeva, Bhadrachala Ramdas and even Sant Tukaram and still they disbelieve your existence and say Ramayana is a myth. The only option, I see, is to re-enact Ramayana on earth and set the government records straight once for all."

Lord smiled "It isn't that easy today. Ravan is apprehensive that he may look like a saint in front of Karunanidhi. I also spoke to his mama Mareecha, who appeared as a golden deer to tempt Sita maiyya when I was in the forest and he said that he won't take a chance of stepping on earth as long as Salman Khan is around."

[cutdcrap]

When the fuel prices are raised for the umpteenth time in a quarter, everyone in the community is crying (for obvious reasons), barring a Sardarji who is not at all bothered.

When asked by the people, Paaji says: "Oye Saanu koi farak naiyo penda, pehle vi 100 rupaiye da petrol pavande si, hun bi oyio pavange" :(It doesnt affect me, I used to get Rs.100 petrol earleir also now also will continue the same.)

Somebody teach paaji unitary method

[heavy_foot]

Kerala version of The Hotel California

On the road to Trivandrum
Coconut oil in my hair
Warm smell of avial
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a bright pink tube-light
My tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thin
I had to stop for a bite
There he stood in the doorway
Flicked his mundu in style
And I was thinking to myself
I don't like the look of his sinister smile
Then he lit up a petromax
Muttering "No power today"
More Mallus down the corridor
I thought I heard them say
Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace,
Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
It's infested here
It's infested here
His finger's stuck up his nostril
He's got a big, thick mustache
He makes an ugly, ugly noise
But that's just his laugh

Buxom girls clad in pavada
Eating banana chips
Some roll their eyes, and
Some roll their hips
I said to the manager
My room's full of mice
He said,
Don't worry, saar,I sending you
meen karri, brandy and ice
And still those voices were crying from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them pray
> Save us from the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace
Trying to live at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
It is no surprise
It is no surprise (background)
That it swarms with flies

The blind man was pouring
Stale sambar on rice
And he said
We are all just actors here
In Silk Smitha-disguise
And in the dining chamber
We gathered for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can't cut that beef
Last thing I remember
I was writhing on the floor
That cockroach in my appam-stew was the culprit,
I am sure
Relax, said the watchman
This enema will make you well
And his friends laughed as they held me down
God's Own Country? Oh, Hell!

[car_crazy1400]

Too Good Heavy_Foot, ! Very Funny indeed