[DriverR]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Answer below...
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...Stop drinking and get off the merry-go-round.

[netchef]

A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go hunting,
so he approached his male assistant. 'Seamus, I am
going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the
clinic.' he says. 'I want you to take care of the
clinic and all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and
asks, 'So, Seamus, how was your day?'

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache, so I gave him
Tylenol.'
'Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?' asks the
doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him
Maalox, sir,' says Seamus.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about
the third one?'

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened
and a woman burst into the room. Quick as a wink she
undressed herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing
including her bra and her panties, and then she lay down on
the table. She spread her legs and shouted, 'Help me, I
beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a
man!'

'Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you
do?'

'I put drops in her eyes.'

[condor]

Colonoscopy is where a Small hose is inserted from "Behind" into the Small Intestinal area for examination. These are comments by patients during Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

"Could you write a note to my wife saying that my head is not up here."



--------------------------------------------------
Note: Searched, but not found

[Kool_Kid]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Santa retired, Mrs. Santa insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Santa was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Santa was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Santa received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Santa

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1 . June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: W alked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding d epartment.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards, Wal-Mart Management

______________________________________________

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked the door on the first house of a street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady.



Do not commit anything to customers until you have got all the requirements
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my t**ticles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown, Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

"Turn around."
_____________________________________________

[DriverR]

How office communication works!

Memo from CEO to Manager:
Today at 11 o’ clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo from Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will make the sun disappear for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe and as usual, it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to Staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.

[Bass&Trouble]

Originally Posted by Kool_Kid

Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

Fenton-y kaun hai? cheers:

[DerAlte]

Babua, u to pehle se hi Fenton-wa tha, baad mein Santa Singh ban gawa. Thoda cut & paste problem hui gawa!

[sammyboy]

@ koolkid - u must really be cool, the last time i posted that joke it was deleted by the mods as they said it was too non veg for the forum

[muneemmk]

KUTTAPPAN's STORY


Kuttappan is a Mallu working for a multinational company in Mumbai. Not
well educated and he is working as a peon. Whenever Kuttappan hears somebody
talk, he will come in between saying that I know that very well I know him
very well like that.

One day Kuttappan's Boss a foreign educated person & a North Indian was
talking something about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Kuttappan was passing thru
that way, suddenly he came in between saying that oh Arni he is my best
friend. Kuttapan's boss laughed at him saying that how can u be a friend of
Arnold Schwarzenegger you are only a peon living in India. Kuttappan said if
u won't believe it's your problem I can't help you. Ok. The Manager said I
am going on a trip to US next week you come as my assistant and we will go
to Arnold's house and see what happens. Kuttappan agreed with a smile.

A week after they landed in US. First they went to NY. Arnold was there in
NY. They went
to meet Arnold. Seeing Kuttappan Arnold ran towards Kuttappan and hugged him
asking that hey Kuttappan long time no see where were you man? Kuttappan
went with Arnold to have some coffee. Boss was stunned. When Kuttappan came
back the boss told him that we will go to Clintons place. Let's find out
whether u knows him or not. Kuttappan agreed with a smile. At Clinton's home
Clinton also did the same as Schwarzenegger asking that where were you my
friend for long time? Kuttappan went to have tea with Clinton while the boss
was sitting out side the gate When Kuttappan came back boss said I have to
go to Vatican to get blessings from Pope John Paul, so u come with me.

At the Vatican crowd from all over the world is waiting to see Pope John
Paul. Kuttappan and his boss are also there. Boss asked Kuttappan, do you
know Pope John Paul. Kuttappan said y not? Boss told Kuttappan that he will
not believe this. Kuttappan asked boss to wait for some time and went inside
the crowd. After 15 minutes Kuttappan came on the balcony along with Pope
John
Paul. Pope John Paul was holding Kuttappan's hand. Kuttappan's boss became
unconscious and fell down.
When Kuttappan came back his boss was on a stretcher by his side nurses and
paramedics. Kuttappan asked Sir what happened. Then boss told; Kuttappan u
know Arnold I believe, u know Clinton I believe and u know Pope John Paul ,
I believe that too but WHEN U CAME WITH POPE AT THE BALCONY THE CROWD WERE
ASKING WHO IS HOLDING THE HAND OF KUTTAPPAN after hearing that I became
unconscious.
*
LESSON FROM THIS STORY *

NEVER EVER UNDERESTIMATE A MALAYALI

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Please don't delete this after reading, you should at least send this
mail to:

10 Malayalis & you will receive coconut oil

40 Malayalis you will receive Lungis

100 Malayalis and you will get free land near the rice field behind the
lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole month's supply of
coconut oil and banana chips free.

[neoranjit]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday". I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me". I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment". After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back". "OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and coworkers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch...


Naked...

[kuttapan]

Originally Posted by muneemmk

KUTTAPPAN's STORY


Kuttappan is a Mallu working for a multinational company in Mumbai. Not
well educated and he is working as a peon. Whenever Kuttappan hears somebody
talk, he will come in between saying that I know that very well I know him
very well like that.
---------------------------------
LESSON FROM THIS STORY *

NEVER EVER UNDERESTIMATE A MALAYALI

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Please don't delete this after reading, you should at least send this
mail to:

10 Malayalis & you will receive coconut oil

40 Malayalis you will receive Lungis

100 Malayalis and you will get free land near the rice field behind the
lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole month's supply of
coconut oil and banana chips free.

!!!!

I am not sending Lungis to anyone, I tell ya !!

See http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/introd...-kuttapan.html

[Superleggera]

Another email Fwd - THink before you resign

[Godfather]

Originally Posted by kuttapan

!!!!

I am not sending Lungis to anyone, I tell ya !!

See http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/introd...-kuttapan.html

hahahahaha.. i was just about to tell muneemmk that we have a member by that name.

Goddy

[speedzak]

Originally Posted by neoranjit

I just sat there... On the couch...


Naked...

It's not everyday that I break a thunderous laughter waking up my kids and wife.
Well.. I had to wait till she goes back to sleep before I could post this.

[prashant.dinkar]

The small guy says: "Turner Brown, Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

"Turn around."

I am in office right now and WAS feeling bit sleepy ....after reading this I laughed out so loudly that almost whole floor started looking in the same direction.

Amazing man!!