The Official Joke thread

serious_maniac · 5th December 2007, 10:21

british humour at its best.... take on investment bankers and the sub-prime mess. too good.

YouTube - The Long Johns - The Last Laugh - George Parr - Subprime

~maniac

santhosh_kumard · 5th December 2007, 14:35

A nice one which I got long back..
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man boards a Jet Airways airplane Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat.

As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman
boarding the plane.

He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold,she

takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he
asks "Business trip or vacation? She turns, smiles, and says,
"Business.
I'm
going to the annual Sexologists Convention."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting

next to him, and she's a sexologist!

Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he
calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What m-m-m-myths are those?"
Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Black men are the best
endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess
that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the Bengali.

However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories
is the Sardarji."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name!"
"Venkatraman!" the man blurts. "Venkatraman Mukherjee ! ..
*But my friends call me Santa Singh !"*

speedzak · 5th December 2007, 16:31

^^^^

^^^^
Wow! That was one of the best I've heard in some time.

maddy42 · 5th December 2007, 18:25

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of a b@#$% is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a b@#$% is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son
of a b@#$% is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

speedmiester · 5th December 2007, 19:15

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him! He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter.

benbsb29 · 6th December 2007, 11:06

[quote=speedmiester;647745]Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns[/quote]

Good one !!

RajaTaurus · 6th December 2007, 14:50

Here are some Desi Forums (Folks, no offense to individuals intended.. Welcome to add your imaginations..):

Maruti-800 Forum: Why can’t we upgrade the car with 200 bhp engine, 17” tires, multiple fog lights, ABS, EBD, XYZ. Discussions.

Marui-Zen Forum: Why we end up near a Santro, looking for our car in a parking lot. – Personal experiences and guidelines.

Maruti-SX4 Forum: Why that curious look by Standard Van and Tempo Traveller drivers?

Mitubishi Lancer forum: Why that antic storekeeper calls me every other day?

Mistubishi Cedia Forum: Why we are the only non-sports Sports car in the market? Personal accounts and opinions.

Honda City Forum: Why everyone gives us respect on the road (that we used to give to female drivers) forum.

Tata-Indica Forum: How to convince the gas station guy that the car is my own.

Tata-Sumo Forum: Find the correct category for our vehicles – small car/ big car / SUV/ Cab / Van / Min-truck / Auto – Opinion polls and voting.

Scorpio forum: Why owners never get respect when they drive the car themselves – owners opinions.

Mitsubishi Pajero Forum: ‘Meeting to start when at least one member joins. Membership welcome’

Ford Ikon Forum: What can we do to make the dash look like a dash?

Ford Fiesta Forum: How to strip a rally car naked?

Hyundai Elantra Forum: Am I a smaller Sonata or bigger Accent contest.

Hyundai Santro Forum: Why we can’t drive through an Auto-Rickshaw who stopped in front blocking us perpendicular at traffic light? Debate.

Hyundai I-10 Forum: How to make the neighbor believe that this is the I-10 that came in SRK's TV Commercial...

maddy42 · 6th December 2007, 15:33

Guess we can add
Mahindra jeep forum:- Guess the age of my jeep.

puegot forum:- How much did you loose booking the car

Fiat forum:- What is the value of your car?
No offense guys just kidding

Zen estilo:- Well why are we called zen when they can actually call us a Mini Innova.

Ambassador forum:- Have you seen the new ambassador? It can touch 100kmph

serious_maniac · 9th December 2007, 00:46

a brilliant video... must watch.

YouTube - Here Comes Another Bubble - The Richter Scales

1self · 9th December 2007, 07:34

To add:

Honda Civic Forum: Bottoming the suspension 'turns me on' contest.

Serious maniac...that was an excellent vid!!

1self · 9th December 2007, 07:57

How much boost could you possibly want?

jkdas · 10th December 2007, 12:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1self

How much boost could you possibly want?

whooper!!!

1self · 10th December 2007, 19:57

This Link is a must see: All your car requirments in one place!

http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=7

hydrashok · 10th December 2007, 21:18

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1self

This Link is a must see: All your car requirments in one place!

Accessories : KaleCoAuto, Hard to find automotive items!

Too much! Too much!

I think these are just the people to distribute the crossover made from my patented design: http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/603445-post101.html

1self · 10th December 2007, 21:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by hydrashok

Too much! Too much!

I think these are just the people to distribute the crossover made from my patented design: http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/603445-post101.html

I totally agree!

Also i am having difficulty locating this "710" cap in my engine bay? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

5th December 2007, 14:35	#2357
santhosh_kumard BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Back to BLR Posts: 176 Thanked: 15 Times	A nice one which I got long back.. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man boards a Jet Airways airplane Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold,she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks "Business trip or vacation? She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists Convention." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What m-m-m-myths are those?" Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Black men are the best endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the Bengali. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Sardarji." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!" "Venkatraman!" the man blurts. "Venkatraman Mukherjee ! .. But my friends call me Santa Singh !" Last edited by aah78 : 10th December 2007 at 21:29. Reason: replaced a potential racist word.

5th December 2007, 16:31	#2358
speedzak BANNED Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: India Posts: 4,347 Thanked: 27 Times	^^^^^^^^ Wow! That was one of the best I've heard in some time.

5th December 2007, 19:15	#2360
speedmiester Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: bangalore Posts: 2,387 Thanked: 6,631 Times	Why Men dont write Advice Columns Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him! He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter.

6th December 2007, 14:50	#2362
RajaTaurus Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Tenkasi, TN Posts: 1,119 Thanked: 473 Times View My Garage	Desi Forum Here are some Desi Forums (Folks, no offense to individuals intended.. Welcome to add your imaginations..): Maruti-800 Forum: Why can’t we upgrade the car with 200 bhp engine, 17” tires, multiple fog lights, ABS, EBD, XYZ. Discussions. Marui-Zen Forum: Why we end up near a Santro, looking for our car in a parking lot. – Personal experiences and guidelines. Maruti-SX4 Forum: Why that curious look by Standard Van and Tempo Traveller drivers? Mitubishi Lancer forum: Why that antic storekeeper calls me every other day? Mistubishi Cedia Forum: Why we are the only non-sports Sports car in the market? Personal accounts and opinions. Honda City Forum: Why everyone gives us respect on the road (that we used to give to female drivers) forum. Tata-Indica Forum: How to convince the gas station guy that the car is my own. Tata-Sumo Forum: Find the correct category for our vehicles – small car/ big car / SUV/ Cab / Van / Min-truck / Auto – Opinion polls and voting. Scorpio forum: Why owners never get respect when they drive the car themselves – owners opinions. Mitsubishi Pajero Forum: ‘Meeting to start when at least one member joins. Membership welcome’ Ford Ikon Forum: What can we do to make the dash look like a dash? Ford Fiesta Forum: How to strip a rally car naked? Hyundai Elantra Forum: Am I a smaller Sonata or bigger Accent contest. Hyundai Santro Forum: Why we can’t drive through an Auto-Rickshaw who stopped in front blocking us perpendicular at traffic light? Debate. Hyundai I-10 Forum: How to make the neighbor believe that this is the I-10 that came in SRK's TV Commercial... Last edited by RajaTaurus : 6th December 2007 at 14:56.

9th December 2007, 07:34	#2365
1self BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Pune Posts: 629 Thanked: 330 Times View My Garage	To add: Honda Civic Forum: Bottoming the suspension 'turns me on' contest. Serious maniac...that was an excellent vid!! Last edited by 1self : 9th December 2007 at 07:38.

5th December 2007, 18:25	#2359
maddy42 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Coorg Posts: 2,131 Thanked: 1,328 Times View My Garage	A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a b@#$% is seven. Three plus six, the son of a b@#$% is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a b@#$% is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

6th December 2007, 11:06	#2361
benbsb29 Team-BHP Support Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Brisbane Posts: 9,969 Thanked: 13,229 Times View My Garage	[quote=speedmiester;647745]Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns[/quote] Good one !!

6th December 2007, 15:33	#2363
maddy42 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Coorg Posts: 2,131 Thanked: 1,328 Times View My Garage	Guess we can add Mahindra jeep forum:- Guess the age of my jeep. puegot forum:- How much did you loose booking the car Fiat forum:- What is the value of your car? No offense guys just kidding Zen estilo:- Well why are we called zen when they can actually call us a Mini Innova. Ambassador forum:- Have you seen the new ambassador? It can touch 100kmph

9th December 2007, 07:57	#2366
1self BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Pune Posts: 629 Thanked: 330 Times View My Garage	How much boost could you possibly want?

10th December 2007, 19:57	#2368
1self BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Pune Posts: 629 Thanked: 330 Times View My Garage	This Link is a must see: All your car requirments in one place! http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=7