The Official Joke thread

elf · 24th April 2007, 03:00

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

elf · 24th April 2007, 03:03

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

normally_crazy · 24th April 2007, 13:29

Worst day of life:

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour.

Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they couldnt do anything. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

benbsb29 · 24th April 2007, 13:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by elf

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Good one, Elf..!! Hilarious !!

himanshugoswami · 24th April 2007, 14:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steeroid

Q: Why do they call it 'PMS' ?

A: Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

ROTFLMAO!!!!

ghostrider4385 · 24th April 2007, 14:19

While carpenters were working outside the old house a woman had just
bought, She busied myself with indoor cleaning. She had just finished
washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed
floors. "Just a minute," She said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll
put down newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

ghostrider4385 · 24th April 2007, 14:20

Moral

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed
that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE
DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51,
who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years,
had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other
workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until
Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working
during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always
the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one
found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and
didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much
to himself."

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days
after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading
manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

And the moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway!

ghostrider4385 · 24th April 2007, 14:21

Just a Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children
beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he
started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three
stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he
explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one
of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you
came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the
man's opinion.

"Well" said the man," She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly
notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so
the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer
again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things
might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in
exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to
marry!"

So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was
horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can
imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could
happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you
could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Steeroid · 24th April 2007, 14:24

One should definitely try this one out!

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit

Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.

10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Or shomthin.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something ? Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the floor, mop the can
18. Check the vodka
19. Now chop the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.

25. Fall into bed.

CHERRY MISTMAS

himanshugoswami · 24th April 2007, 14:34

Quote:

Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit

Dude seriously hope that was a misprint

abhibh · 24th April 2007, 15:00

Mr.Bangalore · 25th April 2007, 15:30

check out the following video..

wheeling at its best...

cheers

benbsb29 · 25th April 2007, 16:15

Quote:

wheeling at its best...

Hilarious..!! They looked like 2 clowns on a bike.

navdeep · 25th April 2007, 16:37

Year 2019 - Cricket World Cup news:

India failed to defeat Afghanistan in the world cup qualifier in the Asia -Pacific zone

Coach Sehwag said that he is not worried bcoz he has backing of selectors, captain and board....and that they had won a close match against Papua new guinea just 2 yrs ago

Rahul Dravid , the coach of new zealand team said that Sachin should now consider retiring gracefully and let his son take over the captaincy

mahender singh dhoni broke ajit agarkars record of most no of conecutive ducks in twenty 20

Saurav ganguly, the coach of England feels that the boys need to control their emotions on the field

The current leading man from bollywood bret lee advices ms dhoni to take upacting as well

Minnows Pakistan beat Ireland in a close match...and thus they avanged their defeat in the 2007 WC against the then minnows ireland

Inzamam ul haq, who was the captain of the losing team and now the present coach said in a press interview that
"Boys plays well...they try hard...inshallah we wins the world cup"

The police arrested 8 ppl for voilence after England and NZ match...
Investigations revealed that these ppl were members of Dravid and Ganguly fan communities on Orkut which have 623241516 and 126542 members respectively.

the Indian cricket board led by president Rahul Gandhi has called for an emergency meeting to discuss future course of action ..former players like yuvraj singh, md kaif,vvs laxman and kumble have been invited...coach sehwag and captain Tendulkar will present a report...

vvs laxman today created a new controversy by saying that he expected a written apology from Rahul gandhi for including him in the category of former players....he said that he has improved his fielding and fitness and wants to play 2023 WC in Brazil

suman · 25th April 2007, 17:13

Navdeep, that was hilarious lol -

24th April 2007, 14:24	#1899
Steeroid Senior - BHPian Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: N.A Posts: 7,046 Thanked: 2,751 Times	Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake One should definitely try this one out! Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake Ingredients: 1 cup water 1 cup of brown sugar 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt Lemon Juice 4 large eggs Nuts 1 bottle of Vodka 1 can of Red Bull 2 cups dried fruit Method: 1. Sample the vodka to check the quality. 2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. 3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink. 4. Repeat. 5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. 6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. 7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok. 8. Flavour with red bull to taste. 9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer. 10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 11. Pick fruit off floor 12. Mix on the turner. 13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Or shomthin. 14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull. 15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something ? Who giveshz a shi** 16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder 17. Pick up the floor, mop the can 18. Check the vodka 19. Now chop the lemon juice and strain your nuts. 20. Add one table. 21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. 22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.. 23. Don't forget to beat off the turner 24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog. 25. Fall into bed. CHERRY MISTMAS Last edited by Steeroid : 24th April 2007 at 14:29.

25th April 2007, 16:37	#1904
navdeep BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Pune Posts: 892 Thanked: 4 Times	Year 2019 - Cricket World Cup news Year 2019 - Cricket World Cup news: India failed to defeat Afghanistan in the world cup qualifier in the Asia -Pacific zone Coach Sehwag said that he is not worried bcoz he has backing of selectors, captain and board....and that they had won a close match against Papua new guinea just 2 yrs ago Rahul Dravid , the coach of new zealand team said that Sachin should now consider retiring gracefully and let his son take over the captaincy mahender singh dhoni broke ajit agarkars record of most no of conecutive ducks in twenty 20 Saurav ganguly, the coach of England feels that the boys need to control their emotions on the field The current leading man from bollywood bret lee advices ms dhoni to take upacting as well Minnows Pakistan beat Ireland in a close match...and thus they avanged their defeat in the 2007 WC against the then minnows ireland Inzamam ul haq, who was the captain of the losing team and now the present coach said in a press interview that "Boys plays well...they try hard...inshallah we wins the world cup" The police arrested 8 ppl for voilence after England and NZ match... Investigations revealed that these ppl were members of Dravid and Ganguly fan communities on Orkut which have 623241516 and 126542 members respectively. the Indian cricket board led by president Rahul Gandhi has called for an emergency meeting to discuss future course of action ..former players like yuvraj singh, md kaif,vvs laxman and kumble have been invited...coach sehwag and captain Tendulkar will present a report... vvs laxman today created a new controversy by saying that he expected a written apology from Rahul gandhi for including him in the category of former players....he said that he has improved his fielding and fitness and wants to play 2023 WC in Brazil

24th April 2007, 03:00	#1891
elf BANNED Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,039 Thanked: 13 Times View My Garage	Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

24th April 2007, 03:03	#1892
elf BANNED Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,039 Thanked: 13 Times View My Garage	One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

24th April 2007, 13:29	#1893
normally_crazy Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Mumbai Posts: 4,369 Thanked: 528 Times View My Garage	Worst day of life: There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour. Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they couldnt do anything. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

24th April 2007, 14:19	#1896
ghostrider4385 BHPian Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 389 Thanked: 12 Times	While carpenters were working outside the old house a woman had just bought, She busied myself with indoor cleaning. She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," She said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers." "That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

24th April 2007, 14:20	#1897
ghostrider4385 BHPian Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 389 Thanked: 12 Times	Moral In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001): WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. And the moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway!

24th April 2007, 14:21	#1898
ghostrider4385 BHPian Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 389 Thanked: 12 Times	Just a Bit An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man," She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

24th April 2007, 15:00	#1901
abhibh Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Back in the HOOD near you! Posts: 2,768 Thanked: 39 Times

25th April 2007, 15:30	#1902
Mr.Bangalore BHPian Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Bengalooru Posts: 368 Thanked: 55 Times View My Garage	check out the following video.. wheeling at its best... cheers

25th April 2007, 17:13	#1905
suman Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Kolkata Posts: 4,589 Thanked: 279 Times View My Garage	Navdeep, that was hilarious lol -