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Old 14th September 2005, 11:25   #451
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This is too good.......

I urgently needed a few days holiday, but because I never had any leave due to me, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a few days leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Mad" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "Mad" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are mad - take a few days off".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where are you going?"







(You're going to love this!)
















She said "I can't work in the dark !!!!"

Last edited by Sara : 14th September 2005 at 11:26.
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Old 16th September 2005, 17:02   #452
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Jeeze waiting for the clock to strike 6 is the most painful wait of the week. Anyways, here is mathematical proof that women are evil:

We all know that girls/women require time and money for maintenance.
so,

women = time * money

We also know that time = money so,

women = money^2

As we also know, money is the root of all evil so,

women = money^2 = sqrt(evil)^2 = evil

Cheers
Amitoj
Disclaimer: Disclosing this proof to your gf/wife can be injurious to your health.
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Old 16th September 2005, 17:17   #453
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Wink Thought for the weekend!!!!!

Problems may come but u must take it as a "ROYAL CHALLENGE"

otherwise people will call u an "OLD MONK"

and stick a "BLACK LABEL" to u.

But u must fight like "NAPOLEAN",

live like a "BAGPIPER",

strut around like "JHONNY WALKER",

work till "8PM",

think like a "DIRECTOR SPECIAL"

.....And do not forget the cute little "BLACK DOG"

Then your life will be like an "IMPERIAL BLUE"

and if you do above things there will be good value for your "SIGNATURE" ....

! ! ! Cheers ! ! !
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Old 17th September 2005, 16:14   #454
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Lawyers:

One day in contract law class, Professor Jetson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "I'd say 'Hey: want an orange?'" The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" he instructed.

"Oh," the student said. "In that case, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you, all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat the same, or give the same away with or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise*notwithstanding."


"You're making good progress," the professor said.
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Old 17th September 2005, 17:46   #455
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you

shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies! , "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the

wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

------------------------------------

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after

another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know

eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your

teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f****** business.



Rev
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Old 19th September 2005, 22:08   #456
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A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up.

Man: Honey, you've been by my side when I was in that car crash, you were there when I lost my job, you were present when my parents died, and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account... and you know what?

Wife: What?

Man: I think you're bad luck.






how bout like the funny car name thread...we have funny name thread.....it can be even 1 of the bhpians name...hehehe
find some names very funny
eminem shah
shankar jolie
britney mathur
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Old 20th September 2005, 09:30   #457
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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
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Old 20th September 2005, 09:36   #458
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A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.



A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."



The guy, surprised, says, "Yes... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy'" she replied, "You keep washing your hands."



One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."



The guy, now with a boosted ego, says,

"Sure, I'm a good dentist...how did you figure that out?"



The girl reply, "I didn't feel a thing!"
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Old 20th September 2005, 09:38   #459
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A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing
new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing
their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE
IT!
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Old 20th September 2005, 09:40   #460
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A WOMAN comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband:

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,
they're
gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
headache;
I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The
headaches are all gone."

The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in
the bedroom these last few yea rs. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and
see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband
comes
home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into
the
bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says:

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror
saying:

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
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Old 20th September 2005, 09:47   #461
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sanket12
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
I suppose not many repeat customers at this establishment...
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Old 20th September 2005, 19:43   #462
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Talking Love letter

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
Romeo
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Old 21st September 2005, 16:56   #463
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask
him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the
car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped
centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went
quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't
ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me! "The
passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a
little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied,
"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as
a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies
for the last 10 years."

The Moral: Do not carry your experience to the new job.
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Old 21st September 2005, 22:47   #464
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Default tea break

This guy dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gates and says "There are 3 rooms here and you can choose which one you want to spend eternity in".
The Devil takes him to the first room where there were people hanging from the walls by their wrists and obviously in agony.
The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains.
The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees loads of people sitting around, up to their waists in ****, drinking cups of tea.
The man decides instantly which room he is going to spend the rest of eternity in and chooses the last room. He goes into the third room, picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying "Ok, guys, tea break's over, back on your heads


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Old 22nd September 2005, 10:37   #465
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NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOUR PARENTS - THEY ARE ALWAYS SUPERIOR........

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Nirmala. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her
more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met
the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Nirmala and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Nirmala came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email
her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Nirmala, and I'm not saying that you do not' sleep with Nirmala. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love,

Mom.
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