A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
An Indian guy went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an honorary game warden who didn't like Indians.
The game warden ordered the guy to show his hunting license, and the Indian guy pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license,
The Indian guy reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said 'This ain't no Quebec duck. This
duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?'
The Indian guy reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?'
Again the Indian guy reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the sardar 'Just where the hell are you from?'
The Indian guy smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, 'You tell me, you're the expert.'
Once a man was going along with his wife and 10 kids to watch a movie.
After the movie they went to catch a bus heading their home.
Behind them a disabled old man was coming along with his crutches.The crutches were making "kat kat kat" noises whenever he used to walk.Even he wanted to get in the same bus.
On approaching the bus the conductor said that only 11 people can travel in it.
The man said to his wife that she and the kids get in the bus while he will walk home.
The man started walking annoyingly.
The disabled man was also following the man while he was walking making the same "katak katak katak" noises.
The annoyed man said to the old man " Arrrr Why dont you put on rubbers on your crutches legs, it is so darn irritating".
The disabled man said" If you would had put on rubber we all would have got in the bus".