The Official Joke thread

Sam Kapasi · 13th June 2009, 14:16

Quote:

Originally Posted by normally_crazy

Saw this in some newspaper

Attachment 147413

That's Shrivz isn't it?

rsjaurr · 13th June 2009, 19:37

Got as mail forward

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara(dear), you are a potato and tomato"!

Gansan · 13th June 2009, 19:56

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the ******* Pope as a chauffeur!'

aravindwarrier · 14th June 2009, 01:00

Hullo mister GANSAN, you shall be CONDORED shortly..

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/88634-post240.html

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/1044568-post3287.html

Gansan · 14th June 2009, 07:13

Oops! But there is no way I can check the entire thread for a particular joke, is there? It is toooo long man! Bound to happen.

prince_pervez · 14th June 2009, 08:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1self

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

Nice one. One more:
Private Property. Trespassers will be shot. Surviors will be shot again.

ceejay123 · 15th June 2009, 11:14

1> The Manager
The manager of a large corporation suffers a heart attack and the doctor tells him to go to a farm to relax. The guy goes to a farm, and after a couple of days he is very bored, so he asks the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer tells him to clean up all the cow manure. The farmer thought that for somebody coming from the city, working his whole life sitting in a plush office, it will take him over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finishes the job in less than a day.

The next day the farmer gives to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer is sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes are still empty.

The farmer asks the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first 2 days, and you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered:

"Listen, all my life I've been cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to take decisions!"
----------------------------
2>Baby Planes
A mother and her young son were flying British Airways from London to
Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't
think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?". The
boy said that she had.
With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's
because British Airways always pulls out on time."

hrag · 15th June 2009, 12:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by condor

@Sumit, how would you feel if 10 of us came by & said the same joke over & over again ? The joke doesnt get any funnier each time it is narrated. Not for me & many of us here.

condor, you need to be present at meets - few of us know someone who comes and repeats the same joke at meets

tortoiseNhare · 17th June 2009, 11:16

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer,
a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and
the three engineers look at each other wondering what
could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the
electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault
might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars,
suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified
and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about
anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we
close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the
windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"

Dante · 17th June 2009, 13:31

11 superhit movies!!

arindambasu13 · 17th June 2009, 13:37

He He ....Nice ones dude..I liked the Cat in the HAt!!

Sam Kapasi · 17th June 2009, 13:38

He broke her heart. She broke his everything, ROFLMAO.

Dante · 17th June 2009, 14:06

Thanks arindambasu
I love brokeback heroes! True love!!
And casanova starring bill clinton!

theMAG · 19th June 2009, 17:48

Got in an email forward: "Corporate reality"

Gansan · 20th June 2009, 07:46

With due apology to Lawyers!

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has swindled him for ten million bucks.

This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.

The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and snarls: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"

The lawyer replies calmly: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger"!

17th June 2009, 11:16	#3669
tortoiseNhare BHPian Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Guwahati Posts: 536 Thanked: 90 Times	Three engineers in a broke down car There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"

17th June 2009, 13:31	#3670
Dante BHPian Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Nasik Posts: 393 Thanked: 87 Times	11 coolest movies you don't wanna miss 11 superhit movies!!

17th June 2009, 14:06	#3673
Dante BHPian Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Nasik Posts: 393 Thanked: 87 Times	Thanks arindambasu I love brokeback heroes! True love!! And casanova starring bill clinton! Last edited by Dante : 17th June 2009 at 14:10. Reason: brokeback mountain=heroes

19th June 2009, 17:48	#3674
theMAG Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: May 2006 Location: Avon, CT Posts: 7,219 Thanked: 1,816 Times View My Garage	Got in an email forward: "Corporate reality" Attached Thumbnails

13th June 2009, 19:37	#3662
rsjaurr BHPian Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Batala Posts: 777 Thanked: 28 Times	Got as mail forward Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic." Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara(dear), you are a potato and tomato"!

13th June 2009, 19:56	#3663
Gansan Senior - BHPian Join Date: May 2009 Location: Chennai Posts: 4,573 Thanked: 5,704 Times	After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop. The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'Governor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'He's got the ******* Pope as a chauffeur!'

14th June 2009, 01:00	#3664
aravindwarrier BHPian Join Date: May 2007 Location: Cochin Posts: 144 Thanked: 14 Times	Hullo mister GANSAN, you shall be CONDORED shortly.. http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/88634-post240.html http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/1044568-post3287.html

14th June 2009, 07:13	#3665
Gansan Senior - BHPian Join Date: May 2009 Location: Chennai Posts: 4,573 Thanked: 5,704 Times	Oops! But there is no way I can check the entire thread for a particular joke, is there? It is toooo long man! Bound to happen.

15th June 2009, 11:14	#3667
ceejay123 BHPian Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mumbai Posts: 26 Thanked: Once	1> The Manager The manager of a large corporation suffers a heart attack and the doctor tells him to go to a farm to relax. The guy goes to a farm, and after a couple of days he is very bored, so he asks the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer tells him to clean up all the cow manure. The farmer thought that for somebody coming from the city, working his whole life sitting in a plush office, it will take him over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finishes the job in less than a day. The next day the farmer gives to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer is sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes are still empty. The farmer asks the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first 2 days, and you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I've been cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to take decisions!" ---------------------------- 2>Baby Planes A mother and her young son were flying British Airways from London to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?". The boy said that she had. With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's because British Airways always pulls out on time."

17th June 2009, 13:37	#3671
arindambasu13 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Bangalore Posts: 1,603 Thanked: 2,515 Times	He He ....Nice ones dude..I liked the Cat in the HAt!!

17th June 2009, 13:38	#3672
Sam Kapasi Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Mumbai (but wat Posts: 7,000 Thanked: 2,453 Times View My Garage	He broke her heart. She broke his everything, ROFLMAO.

20th June 2009, 07:46	#3675
Gansan Senior - BHPian Join Date: May 2009 Location: Chennai Posts: 4,573 Thanked: 5,704 Times	With due apology to Lawyers! A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has swindled him for ten million bucks. This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden. The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and snarls: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?" The lawyer replies calmly: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger"!