The Official Joke thread

mayankk · 1st December 2011, 12:36

This from a mail i received:

"Here is the Attached Invoice for the Month December.

Do call me for any Confusion."

Rather not.Have enough to last me till the apocalypse!!

Scorcher · 1st December 2011, 12:44

From a friend's Facebook status update:

"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words." - Woody Allen

suhaas307 · 1st December 2011, 13:17

Another friend's status message on Facebook:

"Exams + Facebook = Your face is in the wrong book!"

Funny thing is, it's Team BHP that is honestly, more distracting, right now!

esteem_lover · 1st December 2011, 13:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by anilisanil

weapons of mass destruction

Attachment 850221

Anil, that pic looks straight out of a mallu movie. The look on the guy in black shirt is priceless, hope he marries her sometime.

adg_andy · 1st December 2011, 14:56

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
______________ ___________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

anilisanil · 1st December 2011, 15:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by adg_andy

...............
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

is there a word for it, otherwise?

mayankk · 1st December 2011, 15:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by anilisanil

is there a word for it, otherwise?

Yeh.
Generic term is "Yakkus non-interestus"
Also called "news" on aaj-tak.

bluevolt · 1st December 2011, 15:14

A silly tourist asked a boatguy: "do you know Biology, Psychology, Geography,Geology?"

The boat guy said: "NO to all the questions".

The tourist then said: "What the hell you know on the face of this
earth ? You will die of illiteracy !!

After a while, the boat started sinking, so the
boatman asked the tourist: "Do you know Swimology and Escapology from
Crocodilogy?"

The tourist said: NO !!

The boat guy replied: "Well you will Drownology and Crocodilogy will
eat your Bodiology and you will Dieology because of your Badmouthology" :P

prashant.dinkar · 1st December 2011, 17:07

After robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing?
Clerk: Yes.
Robber shot him dead & asked d next clerk: Did u?
2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u!

**************************

Three friends were working in a same office & lived in a same flat which is in the 110th floor in New York City. One day while they were
returning from their office the lift was not working. So they decided to climb by foot to their 110th floor.

To pass the time & not get bored they agreed to tell some story, that 1st person should tell a story on war, 2nd person a romance & 3rd
person a very sad story.

First person told about US & Vietnam War they reached 50th floor,
Second person completed his romance story when they reached 109th floor.
Now it's turn for the third person to tell a very sad story
.
.
.
He told "I have forgotten to bring the Flat Key".

*************************************

Aerial Photos

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
================================================== ===========================================
Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Scorcher · 1st December 2011, 18:13

Time for the "Kanth" duo!

Vijayakanth: Dinner treat machi, come to "Bobby Ganesan".
Rajnikanth: Come to what?
Vijayakanth: Bobby Ganesan da.
Rajni: I don’t know the place, I’ll come to your house, you take me there.
Vijayakanth: What da, You don’t know Bobby Ganesan?? Ok ok come here.(Rajni goes to vijayakanth’s house, n leaves in his car to the place)
Rajni : You fool, it's "Barbeque Nation!"

__________________________________________________ ___________

Rajni: Machi, did you listen to the kalasala song in Osthi?
Vijaykant: Yes, the tamil remake for that "Unni Padmanabhan" song right?
Rajni: What?
Vijaykant: That song from Dabang?
Rajni: You fool, it's "Munni Badnam Hui!"

__________________________________________________ ____________

Vijayakanth: Do you know who is the son of Mahatma Gandhi?
Rajnikanth: Don't know man.
Vijayakanth: You don't even know this? His son name is "Dinesan".
Rajni: How do you know???
Vijayakanth: Even small kid knows that "Mahatma Gandhi is father of Dinesan"
Rajni: You fool, that's not Dinesan, its "The Nation!"

neofromcapone · 1st December 2011, 19:16

Quote:

Originally Posted by suhaas307

Another friend's status message on Facebook:

"Exams + Facebook = Your face is in the wrong book!"

Funny thing is, it's Team BHP that is honestly, more distracting, right now!

I completely agree with you Suhaas, at times your need the resolve of a monk to stay away.

Note from the Team-BHP Support Team: Post edited. References to alcohol in any way, directly or indirectly is not permitted. Read the board rules before posting any further.

vsh · 1st December 2011, 20:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scorcher

Time for the "Kanth" duo!

______________________________

Vijayakanth: Do you know who is the son of Mahatma Gandhi?
Rajnikanth: Don't know man.
Vijayakanth: You don't even know this? His son name is "Dinesan".
Rajni: How do you know???
Vijayakanth: Even small kid knows that "Mahatma Gandhi is father of Dinesan"
Rajni: You fool, that's not Dinesan, its "The Nation!"

hilarious

, it made my mood

Fordmanchau · 1st December 2011, 20:17

I hope nobody has posted this before. Got this from Facebook

I really now believe in Rajnikanth's power. No other way this song could have gone viral. Jai ho Rajnikanth ki!!!

Scorcher · 2nd December 2011, 08:29

Howlarious stuff!!!

Vipul Goyal on Facebook (By Management Paradise) - YouTube

dhanushs · 2nd December 2011, 09:00

English teachers rule!!..

1. Open the windows, let the Air Force come in.

2. Shhh... silence, the principal has just passed away.

3. There is no wind in the football.

4. I talk,he talk, Why you middle talk?

5. You rotate the ground four times.

6. You go 'n understand the tree.

7. I'll give you clap.

8. Bring your parents with Your Mom 'n Dad

9. Why Haircut not cut?

10. Go and stand in the corner of that circle.

1st December 2011, 12:36	#5791
mayankk Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: New Delhi Posts: 5,236 Thanked: 8,615 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread This from a mail i received: "Here is the Attached Invoice for the Month December. Do call me for any Confusion." Rather not.Have enough to last me till the apocalypse!!

1st December 2011, 12:44	#5792
Scorcher Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Trivandrum, KL Posts: 4,922 Thanked: 7,182 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread From a friend's Facebook status update: "Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words." - Woody Allen

1st December 2011, 13:17	#5793
suhaas307 Team-BHP Support Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Bangalore Posts: 9,158 Thanked: 14,539 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Another friend's status message on Facebook: "Exams + Facebook = Your face is in the wrong book!" Funny thing is, it's Team BHP that is honestly, more distracting, right now!

1st December 2011, 14:56	#5795
adg_andy BHPian Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Bangalore Posts: 514 Thanked: 315 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Kids Are Quick ____________________________________ TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ______________ ___________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher __________________________________

1st December 2011, 15:14	#5798
bluevolt Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: New Delhi Posts: 3,273 Thanked: 3,477 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread A silly tourist asked a boatguy: "do you know Biology, Psychology, Geography,Geology?" The boat guy said: "NO to all the questions". The tourist then said: "What the hell you know on the face of this earth ? You will die of illiteracy !! After a while, the boat started sinking, so the boatman asked the tourist: "Do you know Swimology and Escapology from Crocodilogy?" The tourist said: NO !! The boat guy replied: "Well you will Drownology and Crocodilogy will eat your Bodiology and you will Dieology because of your Badmouthology" :P

1st December 2011, 17:07	#5799
prashant.dinkar BHPian Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ellicott City/New Delhi Posts: 79 Thanked: 53 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread After robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing? Clerk: Yes. Robber shot him dead & asked d next clerk: Did u? 2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u! ************************ Three friends were working in a same office & lived in a same flat which is in the 110th floor in New York City. One day while they were returning from their office the lift was not working. So they decided to climb by foot to their 110th floor. To pass the time & not get bored they agreed to tell some story, that 1st person should tell a story on war, 2nd person a romance & 3rd person a very sad story. First person told about US & Vietnam War they reached 50th floor, Second person completed his romance story when they reached 109th floor. Now it's turn for the third person to tell a very sad story . . . He told "I have forgotten to bring the Flat Key". *********************************** Aerial Photos A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" ================================================== =========================================== Blind Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!" Last edited by prashant.dinkar : 1st December 2011 at 17:25.

1st December 2011, 18:13	#5800
Scorcher Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Trivandrum, KL Posts: 4,922 Thanked: 7,182 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Time for the "Kanth" duo! Vijayakanth: Dinner treat machi, come to "Bobby Ganesan". Rajnikanth: Come to what? Vijayakanth: Bobby Ganesan da. Rajni: I don’t know the place, I’ll come to your house, you take me there. Vijayakanth: What da, You don’t know Bobby Ganesan?? Ok ok come here.(Rajni goes to vijayakanth’s house, n leaves in his car to the place) Rajni : You fool, it's "Barbeque Nation!" __________________________________________________ ___________ Rajni: Machi, did you listen to the kalasala song in Osthi? Vijaykant: Yes, the tamil remake for that "Unni Padmanabhan" song right? Rajni: What? Vijaykant: That song from Dabang? Rajni: You fool, it's "Munni Badnam Hui!" __________________________________________________ ____________ Vijayakanth: Do you know who is the son of Mahatma Gandhi? Rajnikanth: Don't know man. Vijayakanth: You don't even know this? His son name is "Dinesan". Rajni: How do you know??? Vijayakanth: Even small kid knows that "Mahatma Gandhi is father of Dinesan" Rajni: You fool, that's not Dinesan, its "The Nation!"

1st December 2011, 20:17	#5803
Fordmanchau Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 1,666 Thanked: 341 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread I hope nobody has posted this before. Got this from Facebook I really now believe in Rajnikanth's power. No other way this song could have gone viral. Jai ho Rajnikanth ki!!!

2nd December 2011, 09:00	#5805
dhanushs Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Chennai Posts: 4,437 Thanked: 11,488 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread English teachers rule!!.. 1. Open the windows, let the Air Force come in. 2. Shhh... silence, the principal has just passed away. 3. There is no wind in the football. 4. I talk,he talk, Why you middle talk? 5. You rotate the ground four times. 6. You go 'n understand the tree. 7. I'll give you clap. 8. Bring your parents with Your Mom 'n Dad 9. Why Haircut not cut? 10. Go and stand in the corner of that circle.