The Official Joke thread

Scorcher · 27th November 2011, 22:03

Seven most widely used funny contradictory words:

1. Clearly misunderstood
2. Exact estimate
3. Small crowd
4. Act naturally
5. Found missing
6. Fully empty

And..

7. HAPPILY MARRIED

anjan_c2007 · 27th November 2011, 22:34

You know for sure that you are getting old when :-

-you look forward to a dull evening and sit on a rocking chair and cannot get it started
-when the kids don't understand the words you speak and when you go to a disco and they offer you a seat
-you switch off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons

And you know that you have grown too old when:-

-you don't have any enemies in the world-as you have outlived everyone!!

100th birthday:
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party a few years ago when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of wine. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

esteem_lover · 27th November 2011, 22:36

There is some entertainment here too http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/shifti...n-express.html

Scarlet_Rider · 28th November 2011, 01:42

A boy and a girl are traveling in an auto.

Girl : Today I am going to show you the place where I had got my TT injection.

Boy as usual gets over excited. And after a few minutes.

Girl : See. This is the place. Sharma Nursing Home!

dhanushs · 28th November 2011, 10:20

What a way to play!

The Official Joke thread-383652_299038653451601_100000364068457_999845_982784749_n.jpg

esteem_lover · 28th November 2011, 10:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by dhanushs

What a way to play!

Attachment 848720

LOL. Why are the fielders all running away ?

IronH4WK · 28th November 2011, 11:57

got this from EA India's Facebook page: teacher doesn't game enough!

The Official Joke thread-teacher_doesnt_game.jpg

Oxy · 28th November 2011, 13:03

The Wonderful English Language

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Sheel · 28th November 2011, 17:36

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a REPAIR shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow INTO the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing INTO her car?s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, ?What are you doing??

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow INTO the tailpipe in ORDER to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said?. ?HELLLLOOOO ? You gotta roll up the windowwwws..

__________________________________________

Positive Attitude

Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, you can get anything. But your attitude should be positive.

__________________________________________________ ___

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

__________________________________________________ _________________

Speed.Demon · 28th November 2011, 17:46

I know small mammals eat and stock up for hibernating in the winter, but this fella went overboard!!

Dunno if this was posted here before, there are too many pages to search through.

Source - Facebook.

suhaas307 · 28th November 2011, 19:28

Something I came across the other day

kalpeshc · 29th November 2011, 09:17

This is how ABS is really explained.

prashant.dinkar · 29th November 2011, 14:00

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working. Little John was doing very badly in math.His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took John down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little John came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little John was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little John brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little John got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said,

'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little John looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little John looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
__________________________________________________ _____

A middle-aged man asking the Trainer in the gym:"I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine should I use?"
Trainer: "Use the ATM machine outside the gym...
__________________________________________________ _____

Scorcher · 29th November 2011, 15:19

Sorry, I just couldn't resist, hence posting with the essentials covered.

The expression on the boy's face - Priceless!

The Official Joke thread-313784_291197407565713_100000263683992_1118989_805711884_n.jpg

Please remove if found offensive in any manner.

download2live · 29th November 2011, 18:12

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the

senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed

by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings. He asked

"How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"

The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.

"Can you see the river?"

"Yes"

"Can you see the bridge over it?"

"Of course", said the minister.

"10 percent", said the senator smugly.

Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian

minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his

house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had

built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc.

"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked.

The minister called him to the window.

"See the river over there?"

"Sure", cried the senator.

"Can you see the bridge over it?"

The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said -

"No, I don't see any bridge."

"100 percent", said the minister !!

27th November 2011, 22:03	#5761
Scorcher Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Trivandrum, KL Posts: 4,922 Thanked: 7,161 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Seven most widely used funny contradictory words: 1. Clearly misunderstood 2. Exact estimate 3. Small crowd 4. Act naturally 5. Found missing 6. Fully empty And.. 7. HAPPILY MARRIED

27th November 2011, 22:34	#5762
anjan_c2007 Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: India Posts: 8,509 Thanked: 21,753 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread You know for sure that you are getting old when :- -you look forward to a dull evening and sit on a rocking chair and cannot get it started -when the kids don't understand the words you speak and when you go to a disco and they offer you a seat -you switch off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons And you know that you have grown too old when:- -you don't have any enemies in the world-as you have outlived everyone!! 100th birthday: An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party a few years ago when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of wine. Good for the heart I've heard." The reporter replied, "That's ALL?" The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

27th November 2011, 22:36	#5763
esteem_lover Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Madras/Py Posts: 7,556 Thanked: 507 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread There is some entertainment here too http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/shifti...n-express.html

28th November 2011, 01:42	#5764
Scarlet_Rider BHPian Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 851 Thanked: 1,744 Times	Well... What did you expect? A boy and a girl are traveling in an auto. Girl : Today I am going to show you the place where I had got my TT injection. Boy as usual gets over excited. And after a few minutes. Girl : See. This is the place. Sharma Nursing Home!

28th November 2011, 10:20	#5765
dhanushs Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Chennai Posts: 4,386 Thanked: 10,821 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread What a way to play!

28th November 2011, 11:57	#5767
IronH4WK Senior - BHPian Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Bangalore Posts: 3,468 Thanked: 4,149 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread got this from EA India's Facebook page: teacher doesn't game enough!

28th November 2011, 13:03	#5768
Oxy BHPian Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Bangalore Posts: 278 Thanked: 578 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread The Wonderful English Language We polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. A farm can produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a good time to present the present. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. The dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance for the invalid was invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt. Last edited by Oxy : 28th November 2011 at 13:06.

28th November 2011, 17:36	#5769
Sheel Team-BHP Support Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Purnea (Bihar) Posts: 9,874 Thanked: 14,910 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a REPAIR shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow INTO the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing INTO her car?s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, ?What are you doing?? The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow INTO the tailpipe in ORDER to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said?. ?HELLLLOOOO ? You gotta roll up the windowwwws.. __________________________________________ Positive Attitude Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice" Son: "I will choose my own bride!" Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter." Son: "Well, in that case...ok" Next - Father approaches Bill Gates. Father: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank. Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case...ok" This is how business is done!! Moral: Even If you have nothing, you can get anything. But your attitude should be positive. __________________________________________________ ___ A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week". The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly". "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." __________________________________________________ _________________ Last edited by GTO : 29th November 2011 at 14:14. Reason: Removing last joke. Please consider our varied audience before posting inappropriate jokes. Thanks

28th November 2011, 17:46	#5770
Speed.Demon BHPian Join Date: May 2011 Location: Kochi/Manama Posts: 276 Thanked: 528 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread I know small mammals eat and stock up for hibernating in the winter, but this fella went overboard!! Dunno if this was posted here before, there are too many pages to search through. Source - Facebook. Attached Thumbnails

28th November 2011, 19:28	#5771
suhaas307 Team-BHP Support Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Bangalore Posts: 8,988 Thanked: 13,415 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Something I came across the other day Attached Thumbnails

29th November 2011, 09:17	#5772
kalpeshc BHPian Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Mumbai Posts: 539 Thanked: 141 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread This is how ABS is really explained. Attached Thumbnails

29th November 2011, 14:00	#5773
prashant.dinkar BHPian Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ellicott City/New Delhi Posts: 79 Thanked: 53 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working. Little John was doing very badly in math.His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took John down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little John came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little John was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little John brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little John got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little John looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?' Little John looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.' __________________________________________________ _____ A middle-aged man asking the Trainer in the gym:"I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine should I use?" Trainer: "Use the ATM machine outside the gym... __________________________________________________ _____ Last edited by prashant.dinkar : 29th November 2011 at 14:09.

29th November 2011, 15:19	#5774
Scorcher Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Trivandrum, KL Posts: 4,922 Thanked: 7,161 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Sorry, I just couldn't resist, hence posting with the essentials covered. The expression on the boy's face - Priceless! Please remove if found offensive in any manner.

29th November 2011, 18:12	#5775
download2live Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: - Posts: 1,155 Thanked: 1,222 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings. He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?" The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window. "Can you see the river?" "Yes" "Can you see the bridge over it?" "Of course", said the minister. "10 percent", said the senator smugly. Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc. "How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked. The minister called him to the window. "See the river over there?" "Sure", cried the senator. "Can you see the bridge over it?" The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said - "No, I don't see any bridge." "100 percent", said the minister !!