The Official Joke thread

RajaTaurus · 28th July 2011, 12:28

@Scorcher, That staircase looks to me PS'ed. See the date and time stamp! It has only the date!!!

mayankk · 28th July 2011, 12:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by RajaTaurus

@Scorcher, That staircase looks to me PS'ed. See the date and time stamp! It has only the date!!!

I dont think so.
a similar pcture, and a LOT of others like this only did the rounds a couple o' years back.
stairway to heaven, a balcony set in a wall, with no door, a door that opens up 3 storeys up..

svsantosh · 28th July 2011, 12:50

Real incident yesterday.

Looking at qtrly bank statement, Wife was complaining why are we paying 1Re higher every month!! 99520, 99521, 99522 - I asked her, since when did we pay a Lac for monthly EMI's!!!

she was looking at the cheque# column ..!!

MARCUS_520i · 30th July 2011, 16:01

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

libranof1987 · 2nd August 2011, 15:23

Ad in Paper :

"For sale - Complete set of Encyclopedia in good condition.

Reason for selling - No longer required. Got married; wife knows EVERYTHING!"

Swanand Inamdar · 4th August 2011, 16:01

Got this as a forward

[3rd day of the Trent Bridge Test between India and England during the Tea Break. The Indians are taking their ‘tea’ (to be precise, masala chai and samosas ferried in from a Malayalee Tea stall near the stadium) in their dressing room after the controversial dismissal of Ian Bell. Dhoni is seated in the center with Raina, Ishant to his right and Rahul Dravid, Duncan Fletcher to his left. The Little Master is looking out of the window forlornly. Harbhajjan Singh is heard muttering to himself in a corner of the dressing room]

Raina (animatedly): Bell ki Ghanti baja di. Bahut runs le raha tha. Acha kiya usko out kar diya
Dravid: Well, well, all’s well, and that ends Bell
(All laugh uproariously. The reverie is interrupted by the entry of Andrew Strauss and Andy Flower into the dressing room)
Ishant (sweetly): Hello Strauss and Flower Uncle, want some cutting chai?
Strauss (looking distraught): No thanks. Just had my Tea. Donhee, you have got to take back your appeal and call back Bell. This is just not on.
Dhoni (mischievously): Ghanta!!!
(The Indians laugh again)
Strauss (puzzled): Eh? What did that mean?
Fletcher: I think he meant Bell’s time is up. (Some more guffaws)
Strauss (exasperatedly): Look Guys, I have no idea what you are saying. But poor Bell is in tears, this is complete bollocks.
Dhoni (leaning over to Dravid and whispering): Dravid bhai, yeh ‘bollocks’ kya hota hai?
Dravid: I am well versed with Victorian era literature but not contemporary English slang. I think its something to do with balls or may be bellbottoms or may be bells and balls…er..lemme check on the net.
Dhoni (in a firm tone): Look Strauss, what we did was within the laws of the game. Sorry, Bell is out.
Strauss: But Donhee, this is not in the spirit of the game.
(Suddenly Bhajji intervenes after hearing the word ‘spirit’)
Bhajji (in a theatrical fashion): Guys, have I made it large?
Dhoni: Abe, tu phir se shuru ho gaya?
Bhajji (now almost close to tears): Sorry, Dhoni. The word spirit reminded me of the Royal Stag liquor ad and those memorable lines. I am confronted with that question again after my pathetic bowling in this Test. (Bhajji goes back to the corner weeping)
Dhoni (muttering under his breath): Looks like he has completely lost it. Isko drop karna padega.
Dravid: Look guys, we did everything within the laws of the game. What case do you have?
Andy Flower (in a pleading tone): But Donhee, the law is an ***.
Dravid: Andy is right, Dhoni. He’s quoting from Charles Dickens ‘Oliver Twist’. Read it yesterday night before falling asleep.
Dhoni: Yaar ab yeh gadha kahan se aa gaya isme. Ab kya karen? Kuch samajh nahi aa raha… Lets just toss, shall we? Straussy, heads or tails?

Dhoni takes out his lucky coin and spins it high into the air. Strauss calls ‘Tails’. Just as the coin lands on the floor, spins a bit and seems to be about to settle down, Sachin, who had hitherto been looking out of the window, yells
‘Aila plane !’
Everyone rushes to the window to catch a glimpse. Everyone except Andy Flower, who quietly kneels down to have a look at the coin, glances up to check on the distracted players and noiselessly flips the coin to make it Tails up.
And the rest is history.

P.S: Thiis is intended to be a light hearted poke at the situation. Please dont take any offence to anything written above.

libranof1987 · 4th August 2011, 16:08

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swanand Inamdar

Bhajji (in a theatrical fashion): Guys, have I made it large?

......

Sachin, who had hitherto been looking out of the window, yells
‘Aila plane !’

Hahahahah!

This is hillarious!

anilisanil · 4th August 2011, 16:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swanand Inamdar

Got this as a forward

P.S: Thiis is intended to be a light hearted poke at the situation. Please dont take any offence to anything written above.

Jeez! I am sorry but this sounded so childish. Whoever wrote it tried really hard to make this sound funny, but to me at least it wasn't.

NOM to you Swan.

Swanand Inamdar · 4th August 2011, 16:32

^Anil: None taken mate! Got that as a fwd and posted it! In all honesty, the entire thing is funny, but childish.

MARCUS_520i · 4th August 2011, 18:39

I liked the Bell >> Ghanta part!!

sajo · 4th August 2011, 19:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by MARCUS_520i

I liked the Bell >> Ghanta part!!

Me too! And I dont even like/follow/see/take an interest in cricket.

MARCUS_520i · 5th August 2011, 03:18

Quote:

Originally Posted by sajo

Me too! And I dont even like/follow/see/take an interest in cricket.

Haha, that makes two of us!

###
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we’re doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We’re short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you."

mayankk · 5th August 2011, 10:43

I heard this from Facebook.

Woman:We know REAL pain. we give birth! The maximum you guys can compare it to is being kicked in the nuts!!
Man: Yeah right, childbirth is more painful?
If thats the height of pain, why do you agree to having more children?
Have you ever heard of a guy saying "kick me again"?

neo45007 · 5th August 2011, 14:43

Received this through an email.

Bhajji's facebook profile.

Please click on the picture (FB profile) above to read it clearly.

ch.nathan · 6th August 2011, 17:07

The Claim: The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday Night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Note: The Aussies are lying about this one. They have many killer snakes. And spiders. And wombats. And 'roos. I think they want to kill tourists.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

28th July 2011, 12:28	#4936
RajaTaurus Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Tenkasi, TN Posts: 1,118 Thanked: 484 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread @Scorcher, That staircase looks to me PS'ed. See the date and time stamp! It has only the date!!! Last edited by RajaTaurus : 28th July 2011 at 12:32.

28th July 2011, 12:50	#4938
svsantosh Senior - BHPian Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Dubai Posts: 4,288 Thanked: 8,057 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread Real incident yesterday. Looking at qtrly bank statement, Wife was complaining why are we paying 1Re higher every month!! 99520, 99521, 99522 - I asked her, since when did we pay a Lac for monthly EMI's!!! she was looking at the cheque# column ..!!

30th July 2011, 16:01	#4939
MARCUS_520i BHPian Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Mumbai Posts: 524 Thanked: 167 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

2nd August 2011, 15:23	#4940
libranof1987 Team-BHP Support Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: All over! Posts: 8,181 Thanked: 20,590 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Ad in Paper : "For sale - Complete set of Encyclopedia in good condition. Reason for selling - No longer required. Got married; wife knows EVERYTHING!"

4th August 2011, 16:01	#4941
Swanand Inamdar Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Chicago, IL Posts: 1,644 Thanked: 587 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Got this as a forward [3rd day of the Trent Bridge Test between India and England during the Tea Break. The Indians are taking their ‘tea’ (to be precise, masala chai and samosas ferried in from a Malayalee Tea stall near the stadium) in their dressing room after the controversial dismissal of Ian Bell. Dhoni is seated in the center with Raina, Ishant to his right and Rahul Dravid, Duncan Fletcher to his left. The Little Master is looking out of the window forlornly. Harbhajjan Singh is heard muttering to himself in a corner of the dressing room] Raina (animatedly): Bell ki Ghanti baja di. Bahut runs le raha tha. Acha kiya usko out kar diya Dravid: Well, well, all’s well, and that ends Bell (All laugh uproariously. The reverie is interrupted by the entry of Andrew Strauss and Andy Flower into the dressing room) Ishant (sweetly): Hello Strauss and Flower Uncle, want some cutting chai? Strauss (looking distraught): No thanks. Just had my Tea. Donhee, you have got to take back your appeal and call back Bell. This is just not on. Dhoni (mischievously): Ghanta!!! (The Indians laugh again) Strauss (puzzled): Eh? What did that mean? Fletcher: I think he meant Bell’s time is up. (Some more guffaws) Strauss (exasperatedly): Look Guys, I have no idea what you are saying. But poor Bell is in tears, this is complete bollocks. Dhoni (leaning over to Dravid and whispering): Dravid bhai, yeh ‘bollocks’ kya hota hai? Dravid: I am well versed with Victorian era literature but not contemporary English slang. I think its something to do with balls or may be bellbottoms or may be bells and balls…er..lemme check on the net. Dhoni (in a firm tone): Look Strauss, what we did was within the laws of the game. Sorry, Bell is out. Strauss: But Donhee, this is not in the spirit of the game. (Suddenly Bhajji intervenes after hearing the word ‘spirit’) Bhajji (in a theatrical fashion): Guys, have I made it large? Dhoni: Abe, tu phir se shuru ho gaya? Bhajji (now almost close to tears): Sorry, Dhoni. The word spirit reminded me of the Royal Stag liquor ad and those memorable lines. I am confronted with that question again after my pathetic bowling in this Test. (Bhajji goes back to the corner weeping) Dhoni (muttering under his breath): Looks like he has completely lost it. Isko drop karna padega. Dravid: Look guys, we did everything within the laws of the game. What case do you have? Andy Flower (in a pleading tone): But Donhee, the law is an *. Dravid: Andy is right, Dhoni. He’s quoting from Charles Dickens ‘Oliver Twist’. Read it yesterday night before falling asleep. Dhoni*: Yaar ab yeh gadha kahan se aa gaya isme. Ab kya karen? Kuch samajh nahi aa raha… Lets just toss, shall we? Straussy, heads or tails? Dhoni takes out his lucky coin and spins it high into the air. Strauss calls ‘Tails’. Just as the coin lands on the floor, spins a bit and seems to be about to settle down, Sachin, who had hitherto been looking out of the window, yells ‘Aila plane !’ Everyone rushes to the window to catch a glimpse. Everyone except Andy Flower, who quietly kneels down to have a look at the coin, glances up to check on the distracted players and noiselessly flips the coin to make it Tails up. And the rest is history. P.S: Thiis is intended to be a light hearted poke at the situation. Please dont take any offence to anything written above.* Last edited by Swanand Inamdar : 4th August 2011 at 16:07.

4th August 2011, 16:32	#4944
Swanand Inamdar Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Chicago, IL Posts: 1,644 Thanked: 587 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread ^Anil: None taken mate! Got that as a fwd and posted it! In all honesty, the entire thing is funny, but childish.

4th August 2011, 18:39	#4945
MARCUS_520i BHPian Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Mumbai Posts: 524 Thanked: 167 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread I liked the Bell >> Ghanta part!!

5th August 2011, 10:43	#4948
mayankk Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: New Delhi Posts: 5,234 Thanked: 8,615 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread I heard this from Facebook. Woman:We know REAL pain. we give birth! The maximum you guys can compare it to is being kicked in the nuts!! Man: Yeah right, childbirth is more painful? If thats the height of pain, why do you agree to having more children? Have you ever heard of a guy saying "kick me again"?

5th August 2011, 14:43	#4949
neo45007 BHPian Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Bangalore Posts: 226 Thanked: 33 Times	Received this through an email. Bhajji's facebook profile. Please click on the picture (FB profile) above to read it clearly. Attached Thumbnails Last edited by mobike008 : 5th August 2011 at 15:52. Reason: Back to back posts. Please wait for 30 Mins before next post or use EDIT button to make changes to existing post.

6th August 2011, 17:07	#4950
ch.nathan BHPian Join Date: May 2010 Location: Bangalore Posts: 516 Thanked: 70 Times	G'day Mate, from our Friends in Oz ... The Claim: The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday Night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK) A: You are a British politician, right? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Note: The Aussies are lying about this one. They have many killer snakes. And spiders. And wombats. And 'roos. I think they want to kill tourists. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.