The Official Joke thread

TRAUMASURG · 13th May 2009, 11:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rtech

Audi: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW: Born Moderately Wealthy

Camaro: Can't America Make A Real One?

Chevrolet: Clutch Hangs, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

Dodge: Dangerous On Days Gears Engage

FIAT: Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Ford: Failure Of Research & Development

Honda: Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile

Hyundai: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive

JEEP:Jumps Everything Ever Parked

Mercedes: Most Every Red Cent Eventually Dissipates, Extinguishing Savings

Nissan:Never In Synch Screeching Awful Noises

Oldsmobile: Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

Porsche: Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything

Toyota:Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All

Volvo: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

FORD:Fix or repair daily, Found on road dead

FIAT:Fix it again Tony

BMW:check it in reverse,it says want mercedes benz

LOTUS:lots of trouble usually serious

bblost · 13th May 2009, 16:46

Advt banner on team-bhp.

I just found it very funny.

Spitfire · 13th May 2009, 16:47

You clicked on it?

tsk1979 · 13th May 2009, 17:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spitfire

You clicked on it?

Nope, he can look, but not allowed to click

ac 427 · 13th May 2009, 17:33

Conversation between A teenager (girl) and a doc:

Teenaager (frantically) : Doc by mistake i had a I pill tablet, now what do i do ????

Doc: Quickly get yourself laid with the next 24 hours or the tablet will be wasted.

cheers,
ac

varun911 · 14th May 2009, 00:18

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," answered a blonde female guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was 21."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so," responded the blonde. "When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever." (

)

Bubby · 14th May 2009, 10:55

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

He said :"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!" By the time he regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water...

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste !

varun911 · 15th May 2009, 07:02

XYZ Office -> A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees were in the office (approx 5000). As usual the entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & all employees gathered outside the office.

10 mins passed, 5 more mins passed.

Security Officer -> Announcement starts,

"Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be the last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% of employees. So whose ever ID card does not work when moving back inside the building are laid off & all their belongings would be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this approach as we don't want to fill the email box size with layoff mails & also to avoid any fight inside the office.

Hope you have nice career ahead.
Please move in & try your luck."

Spitfire · 15th May 2009, 12:25

HOLY LORD, we have a fire drill today...

Rotorhead · 15th May 2009, 14:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spitfire

HOLY LORD, we have a fire drill today...

holy moly, isnt that weird, i too recieved this joke on my mail account last month and co-incidentally, we had a mock drill at my company after an hour after receiving the mail. We were actually laughing mad when we were exitting the building, and the rest of the guys were giving us such weird stares.

sammyboy · 15th May 2009, 18:42

Hee hee , coincidences galore. Just got a mail informing us of a firedrill planned at our other facility.

karthik247 · 15th May 2009, 19:13

Person A, Person B and Person C are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So Person A says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Person B says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, Person C says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Fountainheader · 15th May 2009, 20:50

My turn - This happened yesterday at work.

We have an analyst (male) who's 1st name actually starts with Swetha-----. So another analyst, not aware, addressed him as "She/her". So which the manager clarified "He is not she, he is he"

cooldude1988765 · 16th May 2009, 12:00

So this guy wakes up in the morning and looks out his window. To his surprise, there is a huge gorilla in his tree out front. The dude is pretty freaked out, so he does the only logical thing: calls the exterminator. The exterminator gets there and has in his hands a ladder, shotgun, a small dog, a taser and handcuffs. The homeowner asks, "what the hell is all that stuff for?" to which the exterminator replies, " Well, I'll use the ladder to get up into the tree, and I'll shock the gorilla. He'll fall out of the tree, and the dog is trained to bite him in the nuts. When he's bitten, he'll either grab his nuts or throw his hands up in the air, and I'll handcuff him." The homeowner looks puzzled and asks, "Well that's fine, but why do you need the gun?" The exterminator replies, "If I fall out of that tree...shoot the dog!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

14000rpm · 18th May 2009, 09:12

i just bumped into this thread. this is funny. keep it going guys and I'll pitch in when i can. hope I don't repeat the jokes though.

13th May 2009, 17:33	#3590
ac 427 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Mumbai Posts: 1,393 Thanked: 244 Times View My Garage	i pill Conversation between A teenager (girl) and a doc: Teenaager (frantically) : Doc by mistake i had a I pill tablet, now what do i do ???? Doc: Quickly get yourself laid with the next 24 hours or the tablet will be wasted. cheers, ac Last edited by ac 427 : 13th May 2009 at 17:34. Reason: typo

14th May 2009, 00:18	#3591
varun911 BHPian Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Birmingham, UK Posts: 63 Thanked: 0 Times	Keeping a Secret At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," answered a blonde female guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was 21." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so," responded the blonde. "When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever." ()

14th May 2009, 10:55	#3592
Bubby BHPian Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: New Delhi Posts: 503 Thanked: 168 Times	No Copy & Paste A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said :"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!" Laughter and applause. A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!" By the time he regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water... Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste ! Last edited by Bubby : 14th May 2009 at 10:58.

15th May 2009, 07:02	#3593
varun911 BHPian Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Birmingham, UK Posts: 63 Thanked: 0 Times	Last Evacuation Drill XYZ Office -> A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees were in the office (approx 5000). As usual the entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & all employees gathered outside the office. 10 mins passed, 5 more mins passed. Security Officer -> Announcement starts, "Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be the last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% of employees. So whose ever ID card does not work when moving back inside the building are laid off & all their belongings would be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this approach as we don't want to fill the email box size with layoff mails & also to avoid any fight inside the office. Hope you have nice career ahead. Please move in & try your luck."

15th May 2009, 19:13	#3597
karthik247 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: BLR, HYD Posts: 2,710 Thanked: 30 Times	Person A, Person B and Person C are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So Person A says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." The Person B says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough." Finally, Person C says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine." Last edited by Rehaan : 17th May 2009 at 03:13. Reason: 2nd joke has been posted before.

13th May 2009, 16:46	#3587
bblost Team-BHP Support Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 11,008 Thanked: 15,355 Times View My Garage	Advt banner on team-bhp. I just found it very funny.

13th May 2009, 16:47	#3588
Spitfire BANNED Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Panaji - Goa/Bangalore - Karnataka Posts: 3,312 Thanked: 774 Times	You clicked on it?

15th May 2009, 12:25	#3594
Spitfire BANNED Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Panaji - Goa/Bangalore - Karnataka Posts: 3,312 Thanked: 774 Times	HOLY LORD, we have a fire drill today...

15th May 2009, 18:42	#3596
sammyboy Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Ggn/Dehradun Posts: 1,842 Thanked: 521 Times View My Garage	Hee hee , coincidences galore. Just got a mail informing us of a firedrill planned at our other facility.

15th May 2009, 20:50	#3598
Fountainheader Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Silicon Valley Posts: 1,501 Thanked: 13 Times View My Garage	My turn - This happened yesterday at work. We have an analyst (male) who's 1st name actually starts with Swetha-----. So another analyst, not aware, addressed him as "She/her". So which the manager clarified "He is not she, he is he"

16th May 2009, 12:00	#3599
cooldude1988765 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Bangalore Posts: 1,042 Thanked: 194 Times	So this guy wakes up in the morning and looks out his window. To his surprise, there is a huge gorilla in his tree out front. The dude is pretty freaked out, so he does the only logical thing: calls the exterminator. The exterminator gets there and has in his hands a ladder, shotgun, a small dog, a taser and handcuffs. The homeowner asks, "what the hell is all that stuff for?" to which the exterminator replies, " Well, I'll use the ladder to get up into the tree, and I'll shock the gorilla. He'll fall out of the tree, and the dog is trained to bite him in the nuts. When he's bitten, he'll either grab his nuts or throw his hands up in the air, and I'll handcuff him." The homeowner looks puzzled and asks, "Well that's fine, but why do you need the gun?" The exterminator replies, "If I fall out of that tree...shoot the dog!" A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!" Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!" Last edited by cooldude1988765 : 16th May 2009 at 12:05.

18th May 2009, 09:12	#3600
14000rpm Senior - BHPian Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Helsinki Posts: 2,341 Thanked: 5,564 Times View My Garage	i just bumped into this thread. this is funny. keep it going guys and I'll pitch in when i can. hope I don't repeat the jokes though.