[speedzak]

The lovely diamond bracelet

A lady walks into a high class Jewelery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind (farts).

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.... Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

The Salesman answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to LEAK when I tell you the price."

[speedzak]

Recession After effects!

1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off.

2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate.

3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.

4. Now for some good news, Women finally marrying for love, and not money!

5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $50 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender.

7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.

9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".

[travelwriter]

Wife complaining to her husband about the servant maid

"This woman stole my underwear. I say we fire her and confiscate her salary"

Maid, almost in tears, "Sahib, main chor nahi hoon. Aap to jaante ho, main underwear pehenti hi nahi....!!!"

[sidindica]

check this out! from Hyundai's thai website, also posted in ACI forums!
enlarge the pic and it reads-sex airbags!

[skoloseven]

A horse walks into the bar, and the bar tender asks, "Why such a long face?"

[maddy42]

About Myselfhi friends, This is p. k means pankaj becoz the people calling me by loving p. k, deer friends actually i am looking for such a life partner who love me alots and i do, also alongwith respect to all elders and little one you know friend what is the life, according to my point of view, the life partner what is the meaning of this, This means love of sympth,, who gul or guy does find out in eatchothers, is called that the shaadi, is the sharing of the feelings of two heart, which is issue for both, down to earth the woman do aspect alots of things from men but the men do only one things aspect from the woman that is love, it is the bitter fact of the life, any way this is my thought, and in the long run i would like to aspect from my life partner who should have possitive attitude, and make a laugh in eatchother, becoz the beauti is not t00 important for me than possitive attitude, and my proffessn.. life i did alots of struggale in my life, that is why reach at my ambition, and now i have to go more ahead in my upcomming life, becoz i am self depend... , guy who gained his target beocoz of the blessing of the loard, and i want to aspect from my life partner only one things that is real love and i ill also try to providing her wish, whatever she ill aspect from me, that its bye bye and thank you for visit my profile, god bless u
Basics
my family back ground is, that i belong from moderate family and i have five brothers and no sister, i got two mothers one of them has chilldren and one of them has not, but both of has alots of love, , my father expired four years ago, and now i have mother now of whome we love alots, my eleder brother is the officer in tatacompuny in tatanagar, my 2nd brother has small travel agency which he is runing, third one is working in as a account officer in limited compuny in south delhi, and he also staying in south delhi, alongwith my little mother, forth one is me, i am working in dubai nd looking job for in canada or london nd i hope in next year i ill be in canada or london, before i used to work in east africa, bu;t now i am in dubai, and my little brother is doing I. T. I in tatanagar jharkhand, thats it.

[SLK]

Originally Posted by maddy42

About Myself
Basics
....... and i have five brothers

.......forth one is me. . . .

Haha, now thats one of the funny things in that profile.

[isldhn]

Originally Posted by maddy42

About Myselfhi friends,
Basics
my family back ground is,

cmon.. he must have written 'Happys endings' at the end

[lambuhere1]

(to women) pls take time to ponder
(to men) enjoy the story, this will give you some idea....

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.
So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year,he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end...
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life.
And the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants?" She said, "Is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was.
The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.
The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half. "Which would you prefer? She asked him. "Beautiful during the day or at night?"
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch! Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?
(If you are a man reading this) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this ) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?
What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT make YOUR choice before you scroll down below OKAY
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now what is the moral to this story?
The moral is:-
1) There is a witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.
So, always remember: IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY"............ ......

[condor]

A pic is worth a thousand words ...

[Rotorhead]

Originally Posted by maddy42

About Myselfhi friends, This is p. k means pankaj becoz the people calling me by loving p. k, .....

this ad was just too hilarious

"deer friends actually i am looking for such a life partner " - Didnt know deers and rabbits also have started using shaadi.com for their partners.

"and in the long run i would like ... " - In long run..whoever is going to get married to this guy is going to defenitely run hard and as far away from this guy as possible

"life i did alots of struggale in my life" - i am sure the people who he had met during his struggale in life must be inturn struggaling for life now.

"guy who gained his target beocoz of the blessing of the loard" - praise the loard almighty ..

"that its bye bye and thank you for visit my profile, god bless u" - god bless us all that he didnt go ahead with this crap any further. Bye bye my friend i hope u get married real soon, we cant take the pain of reading another posting from u again.

"Basics" - this guy amazes me.. such finesse in his approach

"i have five brothers and no sister" - talk about setting the expectations rite. all you interested girls kindly note that he has NO SISTER, only five brothers.

"tatacompuny in tatanagar" - this is the division that makes the puny models like the nano

"my 2nd brother has small travel agency which he is runing" - or is it "ruining" ??

"alongwith my little mother," - ha..ha..too damn hilarious. this is just too gud.

"i am working in dubai nd looking job for in canada or london nd i hope in next year i ill be in canada or london, before i used to work in east africa" - watch out canada/london the dude, the stud is on the prowl. Why do i get a vague feeling that the wild animals chased him out of east africa, and the camels in dubai are after him right now and thus his plans of shifting base.

"...jharkhand, thats it" - yes boss we get the message.

[johnda]

Originally Posted by speedzak

Recession After effects!
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off.
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate.
3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Now for some good news, Women finally marrying for love, and not money!
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $50 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender.
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".

neat ones Zak.
here is a notice I found sometime back at a famous hotel close by. the best part was on the other side the notice said Caution: Dear Guest; Our new Lift ..... I was rolling on the floor and by the time I tried to click that, they got it removed, i got this but after lunch even this was gone. The next day it read " Lift being installed please bear with us" :-)

[varun911]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that another member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio if she could join them.


Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said: "Look, guys, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories, or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."


With that, the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape: "That was beautiful," he said.


The blonde put her driver away and said: "I really didn't get into it and I faded it a little."


After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.


The son said: "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."


The blonde frowned and said: "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.


When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said: "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.


The son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said: "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."


The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb: "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."


The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said: "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

[lambuhere1]

A survey of CV blunders reveals that job applicants are blowing their chances with gaffes such as listing their interests as "cooking dogs".

Experts found that 94% of job hunters risked missing out on vacancies through CV blunders such as poor spelling, grammar or presentation on their CVs.

Failure to use the comma led to embarrassing disclosures such as: "My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people."

In some cases, applicants' attempts to impress potential employers failed through the odd missed word, with phrases such as: "I was responsible for dissatisfied customers."


For others, the omission of a single letter consigned their CV to the dustbin: "I am a pub** [ masking the word related to human anatomy ] relations officer."

From a sample of 450 CVs, researchers found that 81% were laden with spelling and grammatical errors, while nearly half were poorly laid out.
A mere six per cent were error-free, the study by career advisers Personal Career Management (PCM) concluded.

Mistakes were not confined to applicants for menial roles either - many of the CVs riddled with errors were drafted by CEOs, professionals and recent graduates, researchers said.

Corinne Mills, managing director of PCM, said: "Many of the people whose CVs end up in the waste paper bin are perfectly capable of doing the job. However, a poor CV means they will not get the opportunity to prove it.

"Why would anyone want to employ a lawyer or a secretary who makes spelling mistakes or errors? If they can't pay attention to their own CV, why would you trust them to work on any of your documents?"



Source : Ananova - 'My interests include cooking dogs'=

[Maximum_torque]

I was lying on the side of the road, badly injured from a car accident, covered in blood. My friend tried to comfort me by saying, "Don't worry, A Red Cross nurse is on her way. She'll be here soon."

I moaned, "Oh! Why cant I get a beautiful Blonde one!"
:-)