The Official Joke thread

selfdrive · 9th May 2013, 12:38

From a friend's FB post:

Times of India - 175 years
Bollywood - 100 years

The first 75 years would have been difficult for Times of India

kiran · 10th May 2013, 17:17

Few good ones.

Farukh · 11th May 2013, 02:11

From a FB confession page -

Only local train passengers in Mumbai will know how helpful other commuters in trains try to be. Last week, a hapless victim fell prey to the over-enthusiastic Mumbai's Local train commuter.

Our hero, a man from Pune, wanted to go to Matunga, but as luck and trains would have it, boarded a fast train not halting at his destination. He panicked on realizing his mistake but by then the local had started moving. On seeing his plight, a sympathetic co-passenger decided to come to his rescue.
It seemed that he had been commuting by that particular train for past 6 years and had noticed that the train always slowed just before Matunga station and crawled at a snail's pace while passing through it. He told the man to jump out of the running train as it slowed down and that with a little bit of fleet-footedness, he would make it safely on terra firma. However, knowing the man's inexperience, he added some words of caution : "Keep running the moment you jump or you will fall. Just keep running." He stressed the word "running" lest the man not know the laws of motion.
The train slowed down just before Matunga Station and at the prompting of his mentor, our hero jumped out of the train and started running as if all hell had broken loose.
What he didn't realise, of course, was that he was running parellel to the train instead of running away from it. Meanwhile, the train slowed down further, so that the man was running faster than the train. In the process, he reached the door of the next compartment and the foot board commuters there pulled him in thinking he was trying to board the train. To this agony, the train picked up speed and sped past Matunga and his new co-passengers started to congratulate him on how lucky he had been, until he told them that they had actually undone what he had done with great difficulty.
Those standing at the door of his "ex-compartment" had witnessed the whole drama and just couldn't stop laughing at the poor man's situation, while he grinned sheepishly...!!!!
"Ae dil, hai mushkil, jeena yahan, Zara hatke, zara bachke.... Yeh hai MUMBAI MERI JAAN"

Scorcher · 13th May 2013, 13:50

PS lessons anyone?

Don't miss the NatGeo logo

Arch-Angel · 13th May 2013, 17:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scorcher

PS lessons anyone?

Don't miss the NatGeo logo

PS Level: Expert

May or may not be funny:

A man goes to a doctor and says that he has been terribly confused ever since he got married and began to blame his wife for his mental turmoil. The doctor decided to use this as an advantage and began saying stuff against womenkind in general to the point where the man stood up and called his wife inside. The man also insisted that both of them undergo a scan. The doctor now, made a lot of cash and the medical report was priceless.
Man's report: In the left brain nothing is right.
Woman's report: In the right brain nothing is left.
Combined report: Please work it out between yourself since you came to the wrong doctor to begin with. And honey, please learn how to cook properly because your husband ended up gassing the entire scanning area and i now have more patients to deal with.

-Please delete if it is inappropriate

mayankk · 16th May 2013, 12:13

I was looking for a used bullet on olx, when i came across this.
Going by the photos.......what the hell is he trying to sell????

http://newdelhi.olx.in/good-bike-new...-iid-474935259

carzone · 16th May 2013, 12:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by mayankk

I was looking for a used bullet on olx, when i came across this.
Going by the photos.......what the hell is he trying to sell????

http://newdelhi.olx.in/good-bike-new...-iid-474935259

I just fell of my chair laughing.

Dude, go for it. Who gives a 2006 bullet for 38 Kms on the ODO for 30,000 bucks.

Who knows, he might give you the other things shown in the pics for free. A ducati, BMW, Haybusa and what not!

IronH4WK · 16th May 2013, 12:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by mayankk

I was looking for a used bullet on olx, when i came across this.
Going by the photos.......what the hell is he trying to sell????

http://newdelhi.olx.in/good-bike-new...-iid-474935259

if he's giving all that for 30K, its a good deal

ninjatalli · 16th May 2013, 19:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by mayankk

I was looking for a used bullet on olx, when i came across this.
Going by the photos.......what the hell is he trying to sell????

http://newdelhi.olx.in/good-bike-new...-iid-474935259

Quote:

Originally Posted by carzone

I just fell of my chair laughing.

Dude, go for it. Who gives a 2006 bullet for 38 Kms on the ODO for 30,000 bucks.

Who knows, he might give you the other things shown in the pics for free. A ducati, BMW, Haybusa and what not!

Quote:

Originally Posted by IronH4WK

if he's giving all that for 30K, its a good deal

Married folks might understand my comment

Is all the stuff (bikes, gun) a smoke-screen for the lady whom he is trying to get "rid" off?

sa_kiran · 16th May 2013, 22:04

There was this robbery in Guangzhou , the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you". Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
------------------------------------------------
One lady lay on the table provocatively responded, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
------------------------------------------------
When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
-----------------------------------------------
After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".
This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
-------------------------------------------------
The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."
------------------------------------------------
The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"
------------------------------------------------
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.
This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

dhanushmenon · 19th May 2013, 20:13

Lord Ganesha had two wives
Riddhi and Siddhi...
Most men have one-- Ziddi
------------------------------------------------------

National food of India- "KASAM"
Sab Khaate hain...
------------------------------------------------------

Behind every successful man, there is a woman...
Because women dont run behind unsuccessful men
------------------------------------------------------

Only three living beings are immune to cold on earth
1. Polar bears
2. Penguins
3. Females wearing sleeveless & backless in marriages
------------------------------------------------------

Promises are like babies!!
Fun to make, but hell to deliver...

brraj · 21st May 2013, 11:06

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with a non-stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?

thoma · 21st May 2013, 13:16

Disclaimer: I don't know if this should be put here or on the accidents thread. I also do not know if this has been shared previously. But what I know is that it he is a silly silly driver and I had a good laugh viewing this clip over and over again. Does not feel for the guy

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4776590020168

mayankk · 21st May 2013, 14:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by thoma

Disclaimer: I don't know if this should be put here or on the accidents thread. I also do not know if this has been shared previously. But what I know is that it he is a silly silly driver and I had a good laugh viewing this clip over and over again. Does not feel for the guy

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4776590020168

Come on, tell us what TV show this was for?

Cant Stop laughing!!!

The only accident here is the guy himself!

roshan_cruise · 21st May 2013, 19:44

Got this on Whatsapp from one of my friends

Who said car names don't have meaning

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive....

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

HONDA: Hung Over, Now Driving Away.

BMW: Big Money Waste

And d best..
MARUTI: Made According Roads & Users Typically Indian

P.S.:- Don't Know if this has been posted before

9th May 2013, 12:38	#7771
selfdrive Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Zurich Posts: 2,962 Thanked: 3,534 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread From a friend's FB post: Times of India - 175 years Bollywood - 100 years The first 75 years would have been difficult for Times of India

10th May 2013, 17:17	#7772
kiran BHPian Join Date: May 2004 Location: Chicago,Chennai Posts: 53 Thanked: 23 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Few good ones.

11th May 2013, 02:11	#7773
Farukh BHPian Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Bangalore Posts: 80 Thanked: 44 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread From a FB confession page - Only local train passengers in Mumbai will know how helpful other commuters in trains try to be. Last week, a hapless victim fell prey to the over-enthusiastic Mumbai's Local train commuter. Our hero, a man from Pune, wanted to go to Matunga, but as luck and trains would have it, boarded a fast train not halting at his destination. He panicked on realizing his mistake but by then the local had started moving. On seeing his plight, a sympathetic co-passenger decided to come to his rescue. It seemed that he had been commuting by that particular train for past 6 years and had noticed that the train always slowed just before Matunga station and crawled at a snail's pace while passing through it. He told the man to jump out of the running train as it slowed down and that with a little bit of fleet-footedness, he would make it safely on terra firma. However, knowing the man's inexperience, he added some words of caution : "Keep running the moment you jump or you will fall. Just keep running." He stressed the word "running" lest the man not know the laws of motion. The train slowed down just before Matunga Station and at the prompting of his mentor, our hero jumped out of the train and started running as if all hell had broken loose. What he didn't realise, of course, was that he was running parellel to the train instead of running away from it. Meanwhile, the train slowed down further, so that the man was running faster than the train. In the process, he reached the door of the next compartment and the foot board commuters there pulled him in thinking he was trying to board the train. To this agony, the train picked up speed and sped past Matunga and his new co-passengers started to congratulate him on how lucky he had been, until he told them that they had actually undone what he had done with great difficulty. Those standing at the door of his "ex-compartment" had witnessed the whole drama and just couldn't stop laughing at the poor man's situation, while he grinned sheepishly...!!!! "Ae dil, hai mushkil, jeena yahan, Zara hatke, zara bachke.... Yeh hai MUMBAI MERI JAAN"

13th May 2013, 13:50	#7774
Scorcher Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Trivandrum, KL Posts: 4,916 Thanked: 7,118 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread PS lessons anyone? Don't miss the NatGeo logo Attached Thumbnails

16th May 2013, 12:13	#7776
mayankk Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: New Delhi Posts: 5,146 Thanked: 8,163 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread I was looking for a used bullet on olx, when i came across this. Going by the photos.......what the hell is he trying to sell???? http://newdelhi.olx.in/good-bike-new...-iid-474935259

16th May 2013, 22:04	#7780
sa_kiran BHPian Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Thane Posts: 515 Thanked: 169 Times	There was this robbery in Guangzhou , the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you". Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking". ------------------------------------------------ One lady lay on the table provocatively responded, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!" This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!" ------------------------------------------------ When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!" ----------------------------------------------- After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed". This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!" ------------------------------------------------- The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month". This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important." ------------------------------------------------ The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!" This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !" ------------------------------------------------ The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery. This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

19th May 2013, 20:13	#7781
dhanushmenon Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: KL-2/KL-7/GA-06 Posts: 1,108 Thanked: 4,345 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Lord Ganesha had two wives Riddhi and Siddhi... Most men have one-- Ziddi ------------------------------------------------------ National food of India- "KASAM" Sab Khaate hain... ------------------------------------------------------ Behind every successful man, there is a woman... Because women dont run behind unsuccessful men ------------------------------------------------------ Only three living beings are immune to cold on earth 1. Polar bears 2. Penguins 3. Females wearing sleeveless & backless in marriages ------------------------------------------------------ Promises are like babies!! Fun to make, but hell to deliver...

21st May 2013, 11:06	#7782
brraj BHPian Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: bangalore Posts: 913 Thanked: 1,280 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with a non-stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

21st May 2013, 13:16	#7783
thoma Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Kerala Posts: 1,980 Thanked: 1,447 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread Disclaimer: I don't know if this should be put here or on the accidents thread. I also do not know if this has been shared previously. But what I know is that it he is a silly silly driver and I had a good laugh viewing this clip over and over again. Does not feel for the guy https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4776590020168

21st May 2013, 19:44	#7785
roshan_cruise BHPian Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Dubai (Thane) Posts: 53 Thanked: 33 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Got this on Whatsapp from one of my friends Who said car names don't have meaning FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology. FORD: For Only Rough Drivers. HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive.... VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object. PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything. OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always. HONDA: Hung Over, Now Driving Away. BMW: Big Money Waste And d best.. MARUTI: Made According Roads & Users Typically Indian P.S.:- Don't Know if this has been posted before